;-NRLF 


THE 


BRAWNVILLE    PAPERS 


BEING 


MEMORIALS  OF  THE  BRAWNVILLE 
ATHLETIC    CLUB. 


EDITED   BY 


MOSES    COIT    TYLER, 

PROFESSOR  OF  ENGLISH  LITERATURE  IN  MICHIGAN  UNIVERSITY. 


BOSTON: 
FIELDS,    OSGOOD,    &    CO., 

SUCCESSORS  TO  TICKNOR  AND  FIELDS. 
1869. 


- 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1868,  by 

MOSES     COIT    TYLER, 
in  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  District  of  Massachusetts. 


UNIVERSITY  PRESS  :  WELCH,  BIGELOW,  &  Co., 

CAMBRIDGE. 


rsv 


PKEFACE. 

Two  or  three  years  ago,  I  was  invited  by  the  Editor 
of  THE  HEBALD  OF  HEALTH  to  furnish  for  that  periodical 
a  series  of  articles  on  some  leading  aspects  of  the  sub 
ject  of  Physical  Culture: 

In  yielding  to  a  request  which  suited  so  well  the 
bent  of  my  own  propensities,  I  at  first  thought  of 
throwing  the  discussion  into  the  shape  of  formal  didac 
tic  essays  ;  but  after  several  essays  in  such  a  style  had 
been  written,  it  occurred  to  me  that,  possibly,  a  kind 
lier  air  of  reality,  a  somewhat  warmer  and  more  gen 
ial  breath  of  personal  interest,  might  be  given  to  the 
subject  under  view,  if,  instead  of  being  considered  in 
that  stiff  and  systematic  fashion,  they  should  be  evolved, 
in  a  sort  of  colloquial  and  playful  way,  from  the  ex 
ploits  and  the  conversations  of  a  group  of  charac 
ters,  whom,  at  about  that  very  time,  as  it  fortunately 
happened,  I  actually  saw  —  in  my  mind's  eye,  Horatio  — 
residing  all  together  in  a  single  New  England  village, 


TEE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 


in  my  own  well-beloved  Utopia  of  Gymnastics,  the  peer 
less  and  immortal  community  of  BEAWNVILLE. 

The  twelve  papers,  which,  in  as  many  months,  grew 
up  on  the  stem  of  this  project,  appeared  in  regular 
course  in  the  journal  for  which  they  were  intended  ; 
and  now,  in  the  hope  that  they  may  be  of  some  fur 
ther  use  or  pleasure  to  a  person  here  and  there,  they 
are  published  once  more  ;  this  time,  in  the  more  con 
venient  form  of  a  book.  M.  0.  T. 

UNIVERSITY  OF  MICHIGAN,  September  24,  1868. 


"  FOR  Athletique,  I  take  the  subject  of  it  largely,  for  any  point  of 
ability  whereunto  the  body  of  man  may  be  brought,  whether  it  be  of 
activity  or  of  patience  ;  whereof  activity  hath  two  parts,  strength  and 
swiftness ;  and  patience  likewise  hath  two  parts,  hardness  against  wants 
and  extremities,  and  endurance  of  torments.  Of  these  things  the  prac 
tices  are  known,  but  the  philosophy  that  concerneth  them  is  not  much 
inquired  into." — Lord  Bacon. 

"A  SHORT  life  is  not  given  us,  but  wo  ourselves  make  it  so." — Seneca. 

"  WE  are  weak,  because  it  never  enters  into  our  thoughts  that  we 
might  be  strong  if  we  would." — Salzmaun. 

"  THE  first  wealth  is  health.  Sickness  is  poor  spirited,  and  can  not 
serve  any  one :  it  must  husband  its  resources  to  live.  But  health  or 
fullness  answers  its  own  ends  and  has  to  spare,  runs  over  and  inundates 
the  neighborhood  and  creeks  of  other  men's  necessities." — Emerson. 

11  O  BLESSED  Health!  thou  art  above  all  gold  and  treasure;  'tis  thou 
who  enlargest  the  soul,  and  openest  all  its  powers  to  receive  instruction 
and  to  relish  virtue.  He  that  has  thee  has  little  more  to  wish  for ;  and 
he  that  is  so  wretched  as  to  want  thee— wants  every  thing  with  thee." — 

Sterne. 

"  DON'T  let  reformers  of  any  sort  think  that  they  are  going  really  to 
lay  hold  of  the  working  boys  and  young  men  of  England  by  any  edu 
cational  grapnel  whatever,  which  has  n't  some  bona  fide  equivalent  for 
the  games  of  the  old  country  veast  in  it ;  something  to  put  in  place  of 
the  back-swording  and  wrestling  and  racing;  something  to  try  the 
muscles  of  men's  bodies  and  the  endurance  of  their  hearts,  and  to 
make  them  rejoice  in  their  strength.  In  all  the  new-fangled  compre 
hensive  plans  which  I  see  this  is  all  left  out. — TJiomas  Hughes. 


CONTENTS. 


i. 

THE  EDITOR'S  INTRODUCTION 9 

II. 
How  THE  CLUB  FIRST  GOT  TALKED  ABOUT 25 

III. 
JUDGE  FAIRPLAY'S  TEA  PARTY 


IV. 
THE  VILLAGERS  IN  MASS  MEETING 65 

V. 

How  GREAT  TRUTHS  LIVE  IN  GREAT  HOUSES,  AND  NEED 
CONSIDERABLE  CASH 85 

VI. 

OUR  HOUSE-WARMING,  AND  How  WE  MADE  OUR  OWN 
THUNDER..  .  101 


viii  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 


•s                                            VII. 
JUDGE  FAIRPLAY'S  WAY  OE  PUTTING  THINGS 120 

VIII. 
A  CATASTROPHE 135 

IX. 
OUR  QUESTION  Box m  143 

X. 
THE  SCHOOLMASTER'S  POEM 165 

XI. 
DEACON  SNIPP'S  LAST  KICK 18Q 

XII. 
LETTER  PROM  TOM  DICK  AND  HAREY .  196 


THE  BRAWNVILLE  ATHLETIC  CLUB, 


I. 

THE     EDITOE'S    INTEODUCTION. 

ONE  clear,   cold  Friday  in  January,  1867,  I  arrived,  on 
the   Springfield  and    Worcester  Railroad,  at  the  town 

of   F ,    the    nearest   station,    1    was   told,    to   the   little, 

secluded  village  of  Brawnville,  where  I  had  an  appoint 
ment  to  lecture  that  evening.  My  correspondent  at  Brawn 
ville,  the  Secretary  of  the  association  for  which  I  was  to 
lecture,  signing  himself  in  full  Thomas  Eichard  Henry,  had 
promised  to  meet  me  at  the  station  and  carry  me  to  the 
village,  a  distance,  as  I  had  understood,  of  fifteen  or  twenty 
miles.  Unfortunately,  all  that  I  knew  of  Mr.  Thomas  Eich 
ard  Henry  was  his  handwriting  ;  and,  unfortunately  like 
wise,  all  that  Mr.  Thomas  Eichard  Henry  knew  of  me  was 
of  about  the  same  narrow  category.  When,  however,  any 
two  of  the  descendants  of  Adam  really  desire  to  find  each 
other  in  a  crowd  at  a  railway  station,  Nature  suggests  a 
system  of  spontaneous  recognition  :  each  man  stretches  his 
neck  and  stares  for  another  man  who  is  also  stretching  his 
neck  and  staring.  On  this  occasion,  tiaveling-bag  in  hand, 
I  gave  an  abrupt  plunge  upon  the  platform,  and  at  once  ran 


ATHLETIC    CLUB. 


up  rlie*'sighalc^f' a '.stranger  lost  and  anxious  to  be  found; 
when,  almost  immediately,  the  signals  were  responded  to 
by  a  little,  parched,  shriveled  image  of  a  man,  with  bright 
eyes  and  a  lame  leg,  limping  toward  me  with  the  help 
of  a  cane,  and  saying,  rather  coldly : 

"  Is  this  Mr.  T ?» 

"You  are  a  good  guesser,  si*!  And  I  presume  this  is 
Mr.  Thomas  Eichard  Henry  ?" 

He  gave  forth  no  sound,  articulate  or  otherwise.  His 
small  black  eyes  gleamed  in  their  saffron  framework  of 
crow's-feet,  and  seemed  only  intent  on  piercing  two  holes 
through  me  then  and  there.  Only  his  ears  had  informed 
him  who  I  was ;  his  eyes,  evidently,  had  not  yet  made  up 
their  report.  In  a  minute,  however,  still  looking  straight 
at  me,  with  genuine  Yankee  economy,  he  answered  two 
questions  in  one  : 

"  The  cutter  is  ready,  sir !" 

"And  I,  too!" 

In  another  instant  we  were  side  by  side  in  the  sleigh, 
buffalo  robes  around  us,  the  huge  black  horse,  in  the  joy 
and  pride  of  his  muscularity  and  of  emancipation  from  the 
hitching-post,  almost  flying  over  the  crisp  silver  crests  of 
the  snow. 

There  is  perennial  fascination  in  human  nature.  After 
all,  the  only  thing  worth  notice  in  this  particular  solar  sys 
tem  is  not  a  thing  at  all — it  is  Man !  Cataracts,  mountains, 
deserts,  pictures,  statues,  temples,  pyramids — what  are  they ; 
eave  as  related  by  some  tie  of  action  or  passion  to  this  mil- 


THE    EDITOR'S    INTRODUCTION* 


lion-headed,  million-handed,  million-hearted  essence — hu 
manity  ?  Home  is  not  so  interesting  as  any  ragged  and 
unwashed  Roman  in  the  streets  of  Home.  A  new  man — he 
who  introduces  me  to  a  new  man  is  my  greatest  benefactor. 
A  new  man  is  a  new  Revelation  from  Heaven — an  Apoc 
alypse  of  mystery  and  power,  of  joy,  agony,  wisdom ! 

And,  to  me,  the  great  charm  in  the  profession  of  a  public 
lecturer  is  the  opportunity  it  affords  for  seeing  and  knowing 
fresh  souls.  First,  you  have  the  strange  interest  of  knowing 
them  before  you  have  seen  them.  And  this  alone  is  an  ever 
lasting  miracle :  that  we  can  wrap  up  our  thoughts  and  feel 
ings  in  a  sheet  of  paper;  that  we  can  become  acquainted, 
while  a  thousand  miles  apart ;  that  we  can  exchange  greet 
ings,  and  converse,  and  laugh  together  with  still  an  ocean  or 
a  continent  between  us.  We  peer  into  each  other's  letters  in 
order  to  trace  the  lineaments  of  each  other's  faces ;  we  expect 
autographs  to  be  photographs ;  and  we  wonder  what  all  these 
men  are  like,  from  whom  have  come  these  voiceless  messen 
gers  of  ink  :  how  tall,  of  what  complexion,  voice,  and  mien ; 
of  what  heart,  and  eye,  and  brain. 

For  my  part,  I  go  forth  upon  a  lecturing  campaign  as  upon 
an  exploring  expedition.  I  go  forth  with  th§  curiosity  and 
the  eagerness  of  a  Columbus,  a  Sir  John  Franklin,  or  a  Dr. 
Kane.  I  go  forth  to  discover  for  myself  new  continents  of 
human  nature ;  to  penetrate  into  tropical  realms  of  human 
love ;  to  risk  crushing  and  death  amid  icebergs  and  Arctic 
floes  of  human  selfishness ;  to  find  my  way  through  mysteri 
ous  seas  of  the  soul  to  new  cities  and  civilizations  of  human 
custom  and  prejudice. 


12  TEE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

And  here  I  was,  on  that  cold  Friday  in  January,  in  a  cutter 
on  my  way  to  Brawoville,  sitting  in  dead  silence  by  the  side 
of  a  man  with  whom  I  had  freely  conversed  at  the  distance 
of  a  hundred  and  fifty  miles.  We  had  exchanged  three 
letters.  I  had  wondered  what  he  was  like.  Something 
scarcely  definable  in  his  letters  had  attracted  my  special  no 
tice.  The  choice  of  a  particular  word,  the  turn  of  a  single 
sentence,  the  gleam  through  the  rifts  of  one  phrase  of  a  sen 
timent  gentler  and  deeper  than  commonplace  souls  are  likely 
to  be  afflicted  with,  had  created  in  me  the  expectation  of 
finding  in  him  something  more  than  a  commonplace  soul. 
Yet  his  appearance  and  manner  were  disappointing.  He 
was  frigid,  expressionless,  repelling — in  one  word,  a  New 
Englander !  Whence  comes  it,  oh,  ye  gods  of  courtesy ! 
that  New  Englanders,  especially  of  the  smaller  towns,  and 
of  the  unpaved  districts,  will  persist  in  sheathing  their  big 
hearts  and  their  strong  brains  in  coats  of  ice,  just  as  those 
ferocious  monsters — the  old  knights  of  chivalry — used  to 
sheathe  their  bodies  in  coats  of  steel  ?  There  sat  Mr.  Henry, 
my  correspondent  and  guide,  completely  ignoring  his  guest, 
completely  absorbed  in  his  horse,  eyes  fixed  as  flints  on  dis 
tance  and  futurity ;  his  thin,  sharp  blue  nose  pointed  immov 
ably  forward,  like  the  bowsprit  of  a  ship. 

So,  in  utter  silence,  we  rode  for  ten  or  fifteen  minutes.  I 
became  certain  that  Mr.  Thomas  Eichard  Henry  would  not 
be  the  first  to  speak,  if  we  waited  until  the  last  trump. 

I  meditated. 

This  is  getting  awkward.  I  ought  to  break  this  man's  icp 
crust.  There  is  a  soul  somewhere  inside  of  this  £rost-boundf 


THE    EDITOR'S    INTRODUCTION.  13 

r* 

lip-sealed  mortal ;  no  man  with  such  eyes  as  his  but  had  a 
soul  back  of  them — and  souls  are  worth  digging  for,  even 
through  ice  shells.  Souls  against  gold  nuggets,  any  day ! 

I  knew  thaf  no  ordinary  methods  of  talk  would  meet  the 
emergency.  I  opened  out  thus : 

"Mr.  Henry,  there  are  two  very  odd  things  about  you 
Brawnville  people." 

"Ugh!" 

That  sound !  how  can  it  be  translated  into  visible  speech  ? 
Jaws  and  lips  firmly  set ;  eyes  straight  ahead ;  nose,  ditto ; 
hands  on  reins ;  diffused  over  the  whole  visage  just  exactly 
the  amount  of  geniality  and  emotion  one  is  accustomed  to 
behold  in — an  icicle ! 

But  that  sound — "  Ugh !"  Most  expressive  monosyllable ! 
Eloquent  negation  of  eloquence !  It  meant  an  entire  speech. 
It  meant  this:  "I  'm  not  at  all  surprised;  I  do  n't  object 
to  hear  more  ;  I  do  n't  particularly  care — do  just  as  you 
please."  So  I  did  as  I  pleased  ;  I  continued  : 

"  Yes,  sir ;  two  very  odd  things ;  and  onte  of  them,  sir,  is 
your  own  name." 

"Ugh!" 

His  nose  and  eyes  still  ahead ;  general  physiological  con 
ditions  unchanged. 

"  Yes,  sir ;  and  when  I  saw  your  name  at  the  bottom  of 
your  first  letter  1  burst  into  a  laugh." 

"Ugh!" 

"And  what  do  you  imagine  I  thought,  sir?" 

"Ugh!" 

"  Why,  I  thought,  there  will  be  no  difficulty  in  remember- 


14  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUS. 

ing  this  fellow's  name,  '  Thomas  Eichard  Henry !'  Why, 
for  all  the  world,  that's  only  just  « Tom  Dick  and  Harry !'  " 

I  could  see  that  the  first  shot  had  gone  through.  My  new 
friend  slowly  relaxed ;  a  quiet,  shrewd  glimmer  crept  over 
his  wizened  face ;  a  couple  of  sparks  twinkled  from  his  eyes ; 
and  in  some  place  far  down  in  his  throat,  somewhere  between 
the  uvula  and  the  bronchial  tubes,  perhaps  in  a  cosy  corner 
of  the  larynx,  he  actually  laughed !  To  be  sure,  it  was  not 
much  of  a  laugh,  only^a  sort  of  guttural  vibration — a  snig 
ger  ;  very  low,  almost  inaudible,  yet  it  was  a  laugh.  I  knew 
that  my  shot  had  told.  1  inscribed  "  Victory"  on  my  flag — 
and  waited. 

During  the  next  five  minutes  his  lips  were  gradually  get 
ting  ready  to  act.  Several  preliminary  twitches  and  com 
pressions  took  place,  and  then : 

"  Well — that — is — queer  !  That  's  just — what — all — my 
boys — and  girls — call — me  !" 

"Is  it  possible,"  I  replied,  "that  you  allow  your  children 
to  speak  of  you  s5  disrespectfully  ?" 

«  Oh  ! — bless — your  soul !  You — do  n't — think — I — have 
— one  hundred — and  thirteen — children — do  you  ?" 

"  Well,  I  confess  I  had  not  thought  you  quite  so  much  of  a 
man.  Why?" 

"Do  n't  you — see — sir?  I  'm  only — a  poor — lorn — bach 
elor.  I  keep — the — Brawn ville — school." 

"  Worse  and  worse !"  I  rejoined ;  "  and  do  you  mean  to 
say  that  you,  the  Schoolmaster  of  Brawnville,  with  all  the 
solemn  responsibility  of  your  great  vocation  weighing  upon 
you,  actually  permit  such  liberty  to  be  taken  with  your  peda- 


THE    EDITOR'S    INTRODUCTION  15 

gogic  dignity  ?  Why,  sir,  every  urchin  that  calls  you  '  Tom 
Dick  and  Harry,'  should  be  hung  up  half  a  day  on  a  nail  by 
his  left  ear,  or  be  made  to  stand  on  his  head  till  a  little  rev 
erence  should  have  time  to  trickle  down  into  the  top  of  his 
cranium !" 

"  Hold,  sir  !  I  was — going — to  explain  ;  the  boys — and 
girls — do  n't  know — that  I  know — what  they  call  me.  I 
hear — a  great  deal  more  than — they  think.  But,  between 
ourselves — I  like  it.  I  like  nicknames !  The  fact — is,  sir — 
I  am — all  alone  in  the  world.  I  am  a  very  solitary — being. 
This  nickname  seems  to  bring  people  near.  My  only  pleas 
ures  are  in  the  school,  in  my  library,  and  at  the  Club.  Per 
haps  I  ought  to  say  that  I  have  one  other  pleasure — it  is, 
walking  by  myself  in  the  woods.  This  nickname  has  spread 
from  the  children  to  the  grown  folks ;  and  when,  as  is  often 
the  case,  I  overhear  myself  called  'Tom  Dick  and  Harry,' 
why,  sir,  it  really  cheers  me  up ;  it  gives  me  a  sense  of 
human  fellowship." 

These  words  fell  from  his  lips  with  a  quiet,  tremulous  ear 
nestness  that  won  my  heart.  He  had  begun  to  speak,  mak 
ing  long  pauses  between  his  words ;  but  as  he  lost  himself  in 
what  he  was  saying,  he  spoke  with  as  much  promptness  as 
was  compatible  with  so  much  thoughtfulness  and  sincerity. 
A  sweet,  almost  a  pathetic  beauty  clothed  with  its  own  life, 
for  a  moment,  those  dry,  pinched  features.  I  found  that  I 
was  not  mistaken  in  conjecturing  the  presence  of  a  rare, 
choice  soul  lying  in  ambush  behind  that  forbidding  and 
insignificant  face.  I  was  so  delighted  with  the  delicacy  and 
ingenuity  of  his  theory  of  nicknames,  that  I  resolved  to 
draw  him  out  into  a  further  discussion. 


16  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

'•'  Yes,"  I  replied,  "  there  's  truth  in  what  you  say.  Nick 
names,  after  all,  are  our  real  names ;  they  are  the  out 
growths  of  our  characters.  The  names  given  to  us  in  in 
fancy  are  not  outgrowths  of  character ;  they  do  not  express 
an  individuality ;  they  were  given  to  us  before  we  had  any 
individuality ;  they  were  given  to  us  from  accident,  from 
caprice,  from  vanity  or  avarice.  Did  you  ever  hear  the  story 
of  the  poor  English  woman  who  lisped,  and  who,  in  taking 
her  baby  to  the  priest  to  have  her  christened,  tried  to  tell 
him  that  she  wantt  d  the  child  named  Lucy  ?" 

"No,  sir;  I  think  not." 

"  *  Well.'  the  priest  said  sternly,  'what  is  this  child  to  be 
named  ?' 

"'Luthy,  thirl' 

"'  Lucifer?  What  a  diabolical  name!  I'll  not  christen 
a  child  by  the  Devil's  name.  Call  him  John !'  And  so, 
before  the  poor,  terrified,  lisping  woman  could  explain  the 
sexual  impediment  to  the  very  excellent  name  of  John,  down 
went  the  holy  drops,  and  the  wretched  girl  named  John  was 
handed  back  to  its  disconsolate  mother." 

Upon  this,  Mr.  Heniy  burst  into  a  genuine  and  hearty 
laugh,  and  seemed  to  appreciate  the  ludicrous  predicament 
of  the  poor  mother  and  her  child. 

"  Now,  my  point  is  this,"  I  continued ;  "  our  baptismal 
names  fit  our  characters  just  about  as  accurately  as  the  name 
of  John  fitted  that  little  child's  sex.  Unless  a  person  has  a 
nickname,  he  goes  through  life  nameless.  A  nickname  is 
the  verdict  which  our  acquaintance  pass  upon  our  charac 
ters." 


TEE    EDITOR'S    INTE  0 D  UC TION.  17 

"And  what  is  more,  sir,"  joined  in  Mr.  Henry,  "people 
do  n't  trouble  themselves  to  get  up  a  nickname  for  a  man 
unless  they  decidedly  love  him  or  decidedly  hate  him.  Now, 
I  know  the  people  at  Brawnville  do  n't  hate  me.  So  I  take 
'Tom  Dick  and  Harry'  to  be  a  sort  of  pet  name  in  the 
mouth  of  the  community,  and,  though  I  never  told  them  so, 
I  feel  inwardly  pleased,  I  feel  comforted,  when  I  find  I  am 
spoken  of  so  familiarly." 

"  What  you  say,  Mr.  Henry,  reminds  me  of  a  sentence  in 
one  of  Charles  Lamb's  letters  about  the  death  of  Norris,  the 
Janitor  of  the  Inner  Temple,  where  Lamb  was  born.  '  Old 
as  I  am  waxing,  I  was  still  the  child  he  first  knew  me.  To 
the  last,  he  called  me  "Charley" — I  have  none  to  call  me 
"Charley"  now!'" 

This  last  remark  of  mine  had  an  unfortunate  effect  upon 
my  new  friend ;  it  seemed  to  lock  him  up.  Perhaps  he  was 
staggered  to  find  how  suddenly  he  had  been  drawn  from  his 
reserve,  and  was  rebuking  himself  for  his  precipitate  loqua 
city.  His  old  manner  returned.  A  bend  in  the  road,  a 
whirl,  and  his  whole  attention  was  again  bestowed  upon  the 
horse.  The  sensibility,  the  thoughtful  tenderness,  stiffened 
out  of  his  face.  The  New  England  tortoise,  in  a  kind  of 
remorse  at  having  been  betrayed  to  come  out  so  far,  drew 
his  head  once  more  into  his  shell — and  I  was  left  alone. 

There  was  silence  in  the  cutter  for  the  space  of  a  quartei 
of  an  hour.  My  reflections  took  this  turn  :  If  this  odd 
genius  were  not  so  extremely  odd  a  genius  ;  if  he  were  what 
Mr.  A.  Ward  calls  an  "  ornery  cuss,"  I  would  not  take  the 
trouble  of  another  attempt  to  draw  him  out  of  his  shell. 


18  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

But  as  lie  is  an  extraordinary  curiosity,  a  rarissima  avis, 
I  '11  venture  upon  another  experiment.  I  think  I'll  try  it 
now. 

"But,  Mr.  Honry,  I  mentioned  that  your  name  is  not  the 
only  odd  thing  about  Brawn ville." 

"Ugh!" 

"I  was  struck  with  the  oddness  of  an  invitation  to  lecture 
to  an  Athletic  Club— the  Brawnville  Athletic  Club." 

As  I  pronounced  the  last  words  Mr.  Henry  gave  a  start, 
as  if  I  had  communicated  to  him  a  galvanic  charge;  and, 
without  uttering  a  sound,  he  turned  his  face  squarely  upon 
me,  gave  me  an  eager,  inquiring  look,  and  as  quickly  re 
verted  his  gaze  to  the  front.  It  was  evident  that  the  Club  of 
which  he  was  the  Secretary  was  a  subject  which  took  hold 
of  him.  I  was  vastly  amused  at  the  unique  way  he  had 
of  manifesting  an  interest  in  this  new  topic  of  conversation, 
and  felt  encouraged  to  proceed. 

"  Of  course,  you  know,  sir,  that  a  lecturer  finds  his  ser 
vices  called  for  by  all  sorts  of  societies — learned  and  un 
learned,  sacred  and  profane ;  by  Lyceums  and  Libraries,  by 
Mechanics'  Institutes,  by  Colleges,  by  Young  Men's  Christian 
Associations,  and  by  Young  Men's  Associations  with  the 
'  Christian'  left  out ;  and  I  remember,  in  England,  going 
down  two  or  three  times  to  a  charming  place — Henley  on 
Thames — (where,  by  the  way,  this  new  poet,  Swinburne, 
lives)  to  lecture  to  a  Chess  Club ;  but  this  is  the  first  time 
I  ever  had  the  honor  of  being  invited  to  lecture  to  an  Ath 
letic  Club." 

Again,  the  words  with  which  I  closed  the  sentence  gave 


THE    EDITOR'S    INTRODUCTION.  19 

him  a  start ;  and  again  he  gave  me  that  swift,  eager,  search 
ing  look. 

"The  fact  is,  Mr.  Henry,  being  myself  a  professed  Don 
Quixote  on  the  subject  of  athleticism,  I  was  infinitely  pleased 
to  learn  that  here,  in  this  secluded  little  New  England  town, 
there  was  enough  interest  on  that  subject  to  form  a  bonct  of 
union  for  a  vital  and  energetic  association  such  as  I  under 
stand  yours  to  be." 

He  slowly  turned  his  eyes  upon  me  and  slowly  perused  my 
face,  but  no  audible  word  escaped  from  him. 

"It  seems  to  me,  Mr.  Henry,  that  the  great  peril  of  the 
American  people  in  the  near  future  is  not  from  the  unslaugh- 
tered  Serpent  of  Secession,  or  from  the  Drunkard  at  the 
White  House,  or  from  the  Dotard  at  the  Foreign  Office,  or 
from  Mormonism,  or  Imperialism,  or  Irishism,  or  from  any 
other  ism,  except  the  Diabolism  of  Dyspepsia,  the  Anarchism 
of  Over- wearied  Nerves  and  Lungs.  Why,  sir,  we  have  no 
enemy  in  America,  or  out  of  America,  that  can  break  our 
skulls ;  but  we  have  one  in  our  very  midst  that  is  quite  able 
to  soften  our  brains.  There  's  a  great  deal  of  clatter  in  the 
Old  World  about  our  being  on  the  verge  of  national  bank 
ruptcy  ;  but,  for  my  part,  I  do  not  feel  half  so  anxious  about 
the  National  Bank  as  I  do  about  the  National  Belly.  I  do 
not  know  whether  our  currency  be  inflated  too  much ;  but  I 
am  very  sure  that  our  lungs  are  inflated  too  little.  In  my 
opinion,  Mr.  Henry,  it  is  not  of  so  much  consequence  to  us 
how  many  wives  any  old  Mormon  blackguard  has,  as  it  is 
how  many  blue  devils  our  statesmen  have,  and  our  preach 
ers,  our  editors,  our  lecturers.  Since  I  have  got  back  home 


20  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

I  have  heard  a  great  deal  of  cant  about  encouraging  domes 
tic  manufactures ;  well,  there  is  one  description  of  domestic 
manufacture  that  it  is  high  time  we  should  begin  to  dis 
courage,  and  that  is  the  domestic  manufacture  of  saleratus 
and  whisky,  of  pie  crust  and  sweetmeats,  and  hot  soda- 
biscuit." 

While  I  was  proceeding  in  this  strain,  my  companion  kept 
moving  in  his  seat,  quickly  turning  his  eyes  upon  me,  and 
as  quickly  turning  them  away,  but  not  offering  to  speak. 
I  paused  to  give  him  a  chance.  After  three  or  four  minutes 
of  silence,  as  he  did  not  seem  inclined  to  pick  up  the  thread 
of  discourse  I  picked  it  up  myself. 

"  Why,  Mr.  Henry,  what  this  dear  old  New  England  needa 
at  present  is  not  more  churches  but  more  Athletic  Clubs. 
If  every  village  that  has  two  churches  now  would  just  put 
both  congregations  together,  to  worship  in  one  building  and 
to  practice  gymnastics  in  the  other,  there  would  be  more 
godliness  in  this  land,  and  more  manliness,  too ;  the  fash 
ionable  theology  would  be  shamed  out  of  its  disgraceful 
Paganisms ;  and  the  diseased  rubbish  which  was  shot  upon 
Christianity  by  forlorn  old  monks  who  had  the  stomach  ache 
would  be  carted  off  by  the  scavenger ;  and  men  and  women 
would  be  more  prayerful,  and  more  charitable,  and  more 
virtuous,  because  they  would  have  a  more  regular  supply 
of  the  gastric  fluids,  and  less  torpidity  in  the  liver,  and  fewer 
obstructions  in  the  intestinal  canal.  Why,  sir,  it  strikes  me, 
as  I  go  about  the  country,  that  the  particular  kind  of  grace 
that  we  just  now  need  to  grow  is  the  grace  of  a  vigorous 
circulation  and  a  sound  digestion." 


THE    EDITOR'S   INTRODUCTION.  21 

I  now  discovered  that  my  reticent  friend  was  getting  ready 
to  express  himself.  I  wrapped  the  buffalo  robe  a  little  more 
closely  around  me  and  settled  down  into  a  posture  of  ex 
pectancy. 

He  turned  toward  me  grimly  and  turned  away  several 
times,  and  at  last  broke  silence  : 

"Mr.  T ,  if  you  would  not  think  me  too  forward,  being 

a  stranger  to  you,  I  should  like  to  shake  hands  with  you  on 
those  sentiments." 

"  Certainly,  Mr.  Henry ;  by  all  means.  Those  are  my 
sentiments  and  this  is  my  fist." 

And  there,  on  that  lonely  road,  amid  the  lawless  masses 
of  driven  snow,  the  horse  all  the  time  plunging  forward,  as 
if  to  prove  himself  a  first-class  muscular  Christian  and  a 
loyal  member  of  the  Brawnville  Athletic  Club,  Mr.  Henry 
and  I  gave  to  each  the  right  hand  of  fellowship,  as  a  symbol 
and  a  pledge  of  fraternity  in  the  glorious  communion  of 
those  who  believe  that  all  God's  laws  are  sacred,  and  that 
all  God's  workmanship  is  good.  We  both  laughed  heartily 
as  we  shook  hands,  conscious  of  the  romantic  absurdity  of 
such  an  act  on  the  part  of  two  men  muffled  up  in  furs  and 
robes,  riding  side  by  side  in  a  cutter  on  a  cold  January 
day. 

In  a  moment,  Mr.  Henry,  with  a  manner  bright  but  sub 
dued,  said : 

"  I  was  afraid,  sir,  awhile  ago,  that  you  would  think  me 
too  bold  and  familiar  in  talking  to  you  so  much  on  so 
short  an  acquaintance ;  but,  really,  sir,  what  you  have  just 
said  has  precisely  touched  my  own  pet  mania.  You  must 


22  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

excuse  me  for  having  talked  so  much  as  I  did  a  few  min 
utes  ago." 

And  thus,  as  it  appeared,  all  that  ice-clad  reserve,  all 
that  frigorific  New  England  numbness  of  manner,  were  not 
the  result  of-  any  selfish  whimsicality  or  sullenness,  but  the 
outward  crust  in  which  the  fine  modesty  of  a  soul  nurtured 
in  these  rural  solitudes  had  protected  itself.  I  hastened  to 
atone  for  the  injustice  which,  even  in  thought,  I  had  done 
to  him,  and  earnestly  told  him,  that  so  far  was  he  from 
having  talked  too  much,  that  he  had  not  talked  enough ; 
that  I  had  been  anxious  to  draw  him  into  conversation,  and 
to  compare  views  with  him,  and  especially  to  hear  all  about 
the  Brawnville  Athletic  Club — how  long  it  had  been  in 
existence,  on  what  principles  it  was  conducted,  how  many 
members  it  had,  what  difficulties  it  had  encountered,  what 
victories  gained. 

My  new  friend  now  talked  freely;  as,  indeed,  all  men 
do,  if  you  will  but  touch  the  key  which  strikes  the  chord 
vibrating  from  the  heart  to  the  tongue.  We  had  now 
landed  on  a  platform  of  cordial  sympathy.  With  no 
longer  any  trammels  of  diffidence,  with  no  more  hesi 
tation,  with  a  natural  fervor  of  enthusiasm,  in  a  stream 
of  really  noble  talk,  he  began  to  give  me  a  full  account 
of  the  Club. 

Before  we  reached  the  end  of  his  charming  narrative, 
however,  we  got  to  the  end  of  our  journey;  for,  in  the 
midst  of  a  most  comical  description  which  he  was  giving 
me  of  the  various  prejudices  among  the  people  at  Brawn 
ville,  with  which  the  Club  had  to  contend,  we  reached  the 


THE    EDITOR'S    INTRODUCTION.  23 

brow  of  the  Mil  beneath,  which  reposed,  like  some  huge 
winter  bird  in  its  protected  nest,  the  pretty  village  we  had 
been  talking  of. 

Becognizing  my  delighted  surprise,  Mr.  Henry  instantly 
reined  in  the  four-footed  athlete  that  had  borne  us  there  so 
swiftly,  and  gave  me  time  to  take  in  a  full  view  of  the  tran 
quil  scene.  It  was  between  two  and  three  o'clock  in  the 
afternoon.  The  sun,  approaching  now  its  western  couch, 
threw  back  upon  the  pretty  village  a  radiant,  yet  softened 
gaze — a  gaze  that  was  returned  with  many  a  happy  smile 
from  the  two  church  steeples,  and  from  all  the  loftiest  roofs 
of  the  peaceful  town, 

"  I  shall  take  you,"  said  Mr.  Henry,  as  the  horse  started 
down  the  hill,  "  to  the  house  of  our  President,  Judge  Fair- 
play.  He  begs  that  you  will  be  his  guest  during  your  stay 
in  Brawnville.  Perhaps,  after  dinner,  you  will  walk  over 
with  the  Judge  to  the  Club  House  and  inspect  our  Gymna 
sium  and  Library,  and  the  other  departments  of  the  Club  ?" 

"Nothing  would  suit  me  better!  But,  Mr.  Henry,  what 
you  have  told  me  about  the  Club  is  as  interesting  as  a  novel. 
When  am  I  to  have  the  rest  ?" 

"  Oh,  at  any  time  that  suits  your  convenience  !  But,  I 
was  just  thinking  of  another  thing.  From  the  very  incep 
tion  of  the  Club,  indeed  from  the  time  its  formation  began 
to  be  agitated  among  a  few  of  us,  I  have  kept  for  my  own 
private  satisfaction  a  complete  diary  of  the  undertaking.  I 
have  never  yet  shown  it  to  any  mortal.  But  I  think  I  could 
let  you  see  it !" 

"Do,  by  all  means!" 


24  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 


"  Well,  I  '11  bring  it  to  you,  by  and  by,  at  the  Club 
House." 

********* 

That  night,  after  the  lecture,  being,  as  usual,  too  wakeful 
to  go  to  bed,  I  insisted  on  Judge  Fairplay  and  his  family 
retiring  at  their  usual  hour,  and  leading  me  alone  in  the 
parlor  to  the  company  of  the  great  crackling  wood  fire  on 
the  hearth,  and  of  the  thick  quarto  volume  of  manuscript 
which  Mr,  Henry  had  put  into  my  hands. 

I  had  expected  the  book  to  quiet  my  thoughts  and  fit  me 
for  sleep  ;  instead  of  which  I  found  it  so  full  of  exciting 
facts,  and  of  all  manner  of  quaint,  amusing  things  relating 
to  health  topics,  that  I  grew  wakeful,  instead  of  sleepy, 
and  could  not  close  the  book  till  I  had  read  it  through. 
I  resolved  that  the  Schoolmaster's  MEMORIALS  or  THE  BRAWJT- 
VILLE  ATHLETIC  CLUB  should  not  be  buried,  but  printed  ; 
and  the  last  distinct  thought  I  had  before  gliding  into  the 
land  of  dreams,  was  that  of  urging  Mr.  Henry  to  let  me  lay 
portions  of  the  collection,  in  monthly  installments,  before 
the  great  family  circle  of  men  and  women  who,  in  all  parts 
of  this  vast  continent,  and  far  away  over  the  sea,  in  our 
beloved  Motherland,  are  readers  of  THE  HERALD  or  HEALTH 


II. 


HOW    THE     CLUB    FIEST    GOT    TALKED 
ABOUT. 

SATTJEDAY  EVENING,  November  13,  1865. 

AT  our  last  Powwow  we  got  on  in  Plato  as  far  as  III,  403, 
of  The  Eepublic.  In  fact,  we  read  nearly  a  page 
farther  into  the  following  paragraph,  for  we  wished  to  finish 
the  account  which  Socrates  was  giving  of  Music.  "  Do  you 
think,  then,  with  ine,"  said  that  grand  old  Querist  to  Glaucon, 
"that  our  theory  of  music  is  now  complete?  At  all  events, 
it  has  ended  where  it  ought  to  end ;  for  music,  I  imagine, 
ought  to  end  in  the  love  of  the  beautiful."  "  I  agree  with 
you,"  said  Glaucon. 

"And  I  think,  gentlemen,"  said  Judge  Fairplay,  who 
happened  to  be  the  reader  of  the  evening;  "I  think,  gen 
tlemen,  we  shall  be  inclined  to  say  ditto  to  Glaucon,  and, 
in  this  harmonious  frame,  end  our  divine  repast  for  to 
night." 

"  Hear !  hear !"  the  rest  of  us  shouted  ;  whereupon  the 
Judge  closed  the  book  with  a  great  slam,  tossed  it  into  the 
middle  of  the  study  table,  and  then  rising  and  stretching  his 
arms  as  a  relief  from  his  long  sitting  posture,  he  said,  with  a 
yawn  so  immense  that  his  sentence  nearly  foundered  in  it, 
2  (25) 


26  TEE    ATHLETIC    CLVB. 

"I  Ve  been  peeping  ahead  a  -  _   v.tlemen;  and  I  see 

.orious  old  Boy  takes  up  is  Gyni- 
i 

"  And.  by  tlie  bye,  Henry/'  said  Dr.  Drngger,  looking  at 

••  our  next  Powwow,  you  know,  is  to  be  at  your  den." 
i;  All  right,  gentlemen.     I  shall  be  the  "Wise  Virgin,  and 
:nv  lamp  trimmed  and  burning." 

So,   to-night  we  have   been  having  the   Powwow  here. 
There  are  not  enoogh  of  us  to  make  a  very  large  re 
circle;   indeed.  ::ist  four  members,  we  can 

scarcely  consider   ourselves  a  reading   circle  at  all-:— only  a 
reading  sgvarf,  one  member  being  planted  appropriat- 
each  corner  of  that  geometrical  figure. 

First  comes  the  Judge,  our  intellectual  autocrat — indeed, 
the  intellectual  autocrat  of  the  whole  village — who  reigns 
here  in  Braw~  .:ionally,  and  in  spite  of  himself^ 

simply  because  we  all  recognize  him  as  our  natural  monarch. 
Some  people  call  Nature  democratic ;  and  I  confess  there 
are  some  things  in  Nature  to  ju-  For  example,  chol 

era  morbii-  Ler  democratic  institution;  the  east  wind 

_ards  the  rank  of  the  man  it  blows  upon;  Death  is 
somewhat  notorious  for  being  no  respecter  of  persons.  Those 
who  have  crossed  the  Atlantic  tell  me  that  that  respectable 
body  of  water  is  quite  oblivious  of  conventional  distinctions. 
"  What  care  these  roarers  for  the  name  of  king ::;  Yet,  on 
the  other  han.  Nature  perpetual!;  - 

despc  -  I  find  her  perpetually  sending  into 

the  world  some  man  on  whose  brow  she  has  written  in  grand 


HOW  THE    CLUB    GOT   TALKED    ABOUT.       27 

diamond  letters  the  word  EJDTG  ;  and  ordinary  men  are  swal 
lowed  up  in  this  man's  kingliness,  just  as  inevitably  as  the 
moon  and  stars  are  swallowed  up  every  morning  in  the 
golden  flood-tide  of  that  great  planetary  autocrat  the  Sun. 
It  always  struck  me  that  there  was  a  side  of  truth  to  the  old 
high-tory  dogma  of  the  divine  right  of  kings — kings,  how 
ever,  not  necessarily  with  crowns  on  their  heads,  but  with 
brains  inside  of  them.  The  Constitution  of  the  United 
States  lays  upon  Congress  the  duty  of  securing  to  every 
community  within  our  borders  a  republican  form  of  govern 
ment;  but  if  Congress  undertake  to  establish  a  republican 
form  of  government  in  Brawnville,  it  must  first  get  Judge 
Fairplay  out  of  it.  "While  he  stays,  Brawnville  is  a  mon 
archy. 

Then  comes  Dr.  Drugger,  the  principal  physician  of  the 
place — a  man  at  about  the  middle  age  of  life,  fastidious  in 
his  tastes,  cold  in  manner,  independent,  fearless,  somewhat 
given  to  crotchets,  often  sarcastic;  in  disposition  decidedly 
tart,  not  to  say  sour.  But  with  all  his  narrowness,  and  not 
withstanding  his  saturnine  temper,  the  Doctor  is  a  kind- 
hearted  man.  His  furtive  deeds  of  benevolence,  his  stealthy 
acts  of  self-sacrifice  I  are  they  not  written  in  those  chroni 
cles  which  God  himself  transcribes  from  the  hearts  of  the 
poor? 

The  third  Platonist  is  the  Pastor  of  the  Second  Church  in 
the  village,  the  Rev.  Samuel  Bland — a  genial,  wholesome, 
liberal  man ;  liberal,  perhaps,  rather  from  temperament, 
from  the  happy  condition  of  the  gastric  and  nervous  juices, 
than  from  a  deliberate  intellectual  achievement  of  liberalism. 


28  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

The  creed  under  whose  banner  he  suffers  himself  to  be 
fighting  is  a  harsh,  vindictive,  ferocious  one ;  but  Samuel 
Bland  has  a  heart  too  strong  and  healthy  to  be  embruted  by 
any  amount  of  theological  Thugism.  When  Samuel  Bland 
passes  along  Main  Street  on  any  cloudy,  dismal  day,  with  the 
oast  wind  blowing  raw  over  the  meadows,  people  hasten  to 
the  doors  of  their  shops  and  say,  "  There  goes  Sunshine !" 
and  they  warm  and  brighten  themselves  in  the  rays  of  his 
big  loving  nature.  His  wife  says  she  "  always  tries  to  keep 
him  at  homo  between  four  and  five  o'clock  in  the  afternoon ; 
for  then  school  is  out,  and  if  the  boys  and  girls  see  Mr. 
Bland,  they  chase  after  him,  or  head  him  off,  or  come  some 
sort  of  flank  movement  on  him,  and  surround  him  six  deep, 
and  clamber  up  his  huge  body  and  perch  on  his  shoulders 
like  monkeys,  and  even  squat  on  the  top  of  his  head ;  that 
with  all  her  pains,  she  can't  keep  a  whole  coat  on  his  back 
for  one  blessed  week  together ;  and  that  if  she  ever  does  let 
him  get  out  of  the  house  between  four  and  five  o'clock,  she 
always  knows  what  sort  of  a  job  she  has  before  her  that 
evening,  and  that  is,  darning  coats  /" 

It  seems  hard  to  believe  that  such  a  man  as  Samuel  Bland 
can  have  enemies.  The  mystery  is  cleared  up,  however, 
when  we  remember  that  the  old  race  of  Pharisees  still  biveds 
vigorously  in  the  world.  Our  Brawnville  Pharisees  dislike 
Mr.  Bland ;  and,  on  occasion,  especially  when  there  are  no 
young  men  within  ear  shot,  they  speak  against  him.  I  may 
as  well  explain  here,  that  this  reserve  on  their  part  in  tho 
presence  of  the  young  men  of  the  village  is  not  for  any 
generous  reason,  but  for  an  exceedingly  prudential  one. 


HOW  THE    CLUB    GOT    TALKED    ABOUT.         29 

^  -Jf-^  __  _        _L  

Two  or  three  years  ago,  Deacon  Snipp  of  the  First  Church 
was  speaking  very  harshly  of  Mr.  Bland  in  front  of  the  Post- 
office,  because  Mr.  Bland  had  assisted  at  a  regatta  the  day 
before ;  and  one  of  the  young  men  in  the  crowd  told  Deacon 
Snipp  that  he  "would  be  much  obliged  to  him  to  shut  up 
abusin'  Mr.  Bland,"  and  rather  plainly  intimated  in  addition 
that  if  the  Deacon  "  did'nt  shut  up,  he'd  make  him  i"  The 
Deacon  continued  his  discourse,  whereupon  two  of  the  young 
men  laid  hold  of  him  and  put  him  under  the  pump.  To  a 
certain  extent,  that  little  affair  of  the  pump  seemed  to  con 
firm  Dr.  Pusey's  pleasant  doctrine  of  "  Baptismal  Regenera 
tion  ;"  for,  from  that  moment,  Deacon  Snipp  and  the  other 
Pharisees  of  Brawnville  have  been  so  far  regenerated,  that 
whenever  they  feel  like  abusing  Mr.  Bland,  which  is  quite 
often,  they  prudently  look  around  and  ascertain  whether 
there  be  any  body  near,  of  the  masculine  gender,  under  forty 
years  of  age. 

The  indictment  against  Mr.  Bland  has  several  counts. 
Some  of  these  counts  apply  in  the  winter,  and  others  in  the 
summer.  The  principal  winter  count  is  that  he  skates ;  and 
not  only  so,  but  he  skates  as  if  it  was  fun,  and  not  done, 
as  it  ought  to  be,  if  done  at  all,  merely  from  a  sense  of  duty. 
Deacon  Snipp  says,  "for  his  part,  he  doesn't  think  it  becom 
ing  in  a  minister  of  the  meek  and  lowly  Jesus  to  skate ;  he 
doesn't  remember  that  we  have  any  record  of  Jesus  having 
skated."  When  some  one  suggested  to  the  Deacon  that 
there  does  not  seem  to  have  been  much  ice  in  the  part  of 
the  world  where  Jesus  passed  his  life,  the  undaunted  man 
replied ;  "  That  makes  no  difference,  for  if  the  Saviour  had 


30  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUJB. 

approved  of  such  a  thing  as  skating,  lie  could  easily  have 
worked  a  miracle  and  made  ice  on  the  Sea  of  Galilee." 

But  the  sorrows  of  the  Brawnville  Pharisees  do  not  cease 
with  the  end  of  the  skating  season.  Nay,  they  seem  then 
only  just  begun ;  and  even  the  seasons  appear  to  be  in  con 
spiracy  against  their  virtuous  peace.  For  when  winter  gath 
ers  up  its  snowy  robes,  and  shatters  in  pieces  its  huge  breast 
plate  of  ice,  and  abdicates  the  earth  in  favor  of  the  dynasty 
of  green  leaves,  and  flowers,  and  bird  songs,  then  this 
strange  minister  seems  nearly  beside  himself  with  physical 
delight ;  he  goes  ranging  over  the  hills,  with  a  hammer  in 
hand,  lending  a  dangerous  support  to  the  infidel  and  ungodly 
science  of  Geology ;  he  seduces  the  young  men  into  all  man 
ner  of  athletic  sports,  boating  on  the  river,  ball  playing,  and 
so  forth.  "  What  can  be  more  scandalous,"  says  Deacon 
Snipp,  "  than  for  a  minister  of  the  meek  and  lowly  Jesus  to 
be  noted  for  being  the  best  ball  player  in  the  county  ?  No 
wonder  the  Lord  hides  his  face  from  his  people  !"  In  short, 
the  head  and  front  of  Mr.  Eland's  offending  is,  that  he  is — 
a  muscular  Christian !  He  can  out- walk,  out-run,  out-jump, 
out-skate,  out-swim,  out-fish,  out-hunt,  and  out-preach  any 
other  man  for  twenty  miles  around ;  and  from  an  event 
which  occurred  soon  after  he  came  to  Brawnville,  many  peo 
ple  have  an  impression  that  he  could  be  a  very  effective 
operator  in  another  favorite  pursuit  of  mankind,  which  is 
usually  engaged  in  with  the  fists  doubled. 

The  event  to  which  I  refer  is  so  characteristic  that  I  may 
as  well  mention  it  now.  It  was  on  Monday  morning,  just 
after  Mr.  Bland's  first  Sunday  in  the  village.  As  he  came 


HOW   THE    CLUB    GOT    TALKED    ABOUT.        31 

out  of  the  Postoffice,  lie  saw  a  crowd  of  men  and  boys  on 
the  opposite  side  of  the  street ;  and  being  interested  in  all 
human  excitements,  he  walked  across  to  see  what  was  going 
on.  As  he  is  but  a  little  gentleman,  standing  only  six  feet 
two  in  his  stockings,  it  may  be  imagined  just  how  long  he 
was  in  comprehending  by  a  glance  over  the  heads  of  the 
crowd,  the  exact  nature  of  the  attraction.  It  was  that  noble 
Anglo-Saxon  festival,  a  dog  fight !  Two  great  dogs,  a  mas 
tiff  and  a  Newfoundland,  were  being  spirited  on  to  a  battle, 
and  were  already  grappled  in  a  clutch  so  furious  and  bloody 
that  only  a  very  daring  man  would  have  tried  to  part  them, 
and  only  a  very  strong  man  would  have  succeeded  in  it.  As 
Mr.  Bland  reached  the  edge  of  the  crowd  and  saw  all  this, 
he  cried,  "  Shame !  shame !  shame !"  in  a  voice  so  deep  and 
stentorian  that  the  men  and  boys  started  as  if  a  note  of 
thunder  had  smitten  them  from  the  clear  sky ;  and  the  crowd 
fell  asunder  abashed,  and  opened  a  broad  aisle  for  the  giant 
strides  of  the  new  minister,  who,  coming  close  to  the  noble 
brutes,  and  seizing  each  by  the  neck,  tore  them  apart  as 
easily  as  if  they  had  been  a  pair  of  mice,  flung  one  to  the 
right  and  the  other  to  the  left;  and  then  flashing  his  eyes 
indignantly  around  over  the  crowd,  he  sent  them  slinking 
in  shame  in  all  directions  from  his  presence,  by  saying :  "  Go 
home !  go  home,  you  cowards !  why  should  dogs  tear  them 
selves  to  pieces  for  the  amusement  of  puppies  ?" 

Within  the  memory  of  the  oldest  inhabitant,  there  never 
was  greater  commotion  in  Brawnville,  or,  indeed,  throughout 
the  whole  county,  than  followed  that  day's  exploit.  The 
story  of  it  rushed  abroad  in  every  direction,  like  the  report 


32  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

of  a  great  battle ;  and  the  next  Sunday,  the  Second  Church 
was  crowded  to  suffocation.  People  came  in  their  teams 
from  miles  around  to  see  and  hear  the  young  clerical  Samson 
who  tore  the  two  dogs  apart  and  sent  the  crowd  of  puppies 
home.  Deacon  Snipp,  however,  of  the  First  Church  decidedly 
disapproved  of  Mr.  Eland's  performance,  especially  after  it 
brought  such  an  immense  congregation  to  the  Second  Church. 
He  said  that  he  "didn't  think  such  conduct  was  suited  to 
a  minister  of  the  meek  and  lowly  Jesus."  But  one  old  lady, 
who  happened  to  witness  the  exploit  from  the  steps  of  a  store 
near  by,  said  that  "  Mr.  Eland's  bearing  that  day  cleared  up 
for  her  one  very  mysterious  passage  in  the  Gospel  narrative ; 
and  that  she  can  now  understand  how  noble  was  the  rage 
of  our  Saviour,  and  how  grand  and  awful  he  must  have 
looked,  when  he  made  a  whip  and  scourged  the  money 
changers  out  of  the  Temple."  This  remark  of  the  old  lady 
was  reported  to  the  Deacon  by  Abdiel  Standish,  a  shrewd 
Yankee  farmer  who  lives  jast  out  of  the  village.  The  Dea 
con  seemed  very  much  shocked  at  the  profane  comparison  of 
Jesus  scourging  the  money  changers  to  Parson  Eland  quell 
ing  a  dog  fight ;  and  he  said  to  Abdiel : 

"Well,  I  do  n't  believe  the  meek  and  lowly  Jesus  ever 
called  human  beings  'puppies.'  " 

"Mebbe  he  didn't,"  replied  Abdiel;  "but,  Deac'n,  one 
thing  's  sartin,  Jesus  Christ  called  some  folks  a  wuss  name  'n 
puppies." 

"  What  name  ?" 

"  Why,  he  called  'em  vipers,  a  generation  of  vipers ;  an* 
vipers,  I  guess,  Deac'n,  is  critters  a  plaguey  site  wuss  'n 


SOW  THE    CLUB    GOT   TALKED    ABOUT.       33 

puppies,  any  day ;  'bout  like  our  mod'n  Copperheads !  eh, 
Deac'n?  eh?" 

This  last  thrust  of  Abcliel  was  an  extremely  cruel  one  on 
Deacon  Snipp,  and  caused  that  godly  man  to  leave  in  double- 
quick  time ;  for,  though  a  native  son  of  Massachusetts,  the 
Deacon  is  notorious  for  holding  those  peculiar  political  views 
in  which  the  element  of  copper  is  said  to  predominate.  He 
keeps  a  portrait  of  Vallandigham,  so  it  is  said,  hanging  in 
his  bedroom.  It  is  very  certain  that  he  frequently  quotes 
from  the  letters  and  speeches  of  that  renowned  patriot.  As 
the  Deacon  has  a  peculiar  habit  of  speaking,  on  all  occasions, 
in  a  style  which  some  worldly-minded  people  call  cant,  of 
"  the  meek  and  lowly  Jesus,"  and  almost  in  the  same  breath 
of  Mr.  Vallandigham,  his  conversation,  to  many  of  us,  often 
presents  examples  of  an  exceedingly  mixed  style.  This  pe 
culiarity  in  the  Deacon's  talk  was  tolerably  well  hit  off  one 
day  last  summer  by  the  remorseless  Abdiel : 

"Deac'n  Snipp  's  try  in'  t'  make  us  b'lieve  he  's  a  follerin' 
Jesus  Christ  and  Vallandigham  't  the  same  time.  'Bout  es 
tough  a  job,  /  guess,  es  't  would  be  fur  a  yoke  o'  steers  to  go 
'  gee'  and  '  haw'  both  to  wunst !" 

But  I  am  getting  a  long  way  from  Plato,  and  what  we 
read  in  him  this  evening.  I  have  described  three  of  the 
members  of  our  little  reading  party — Judge  Fairplay,  Dr. 
Drugger,  and  the  Rev.  Samuel  Bland.  The  fourth,  and 
last,  and  least,  is  myself,  the  Village  Schoolmaster — a  sub 
ject  on  which  the  less  said  the  better,  down  to  the  point  of 
Baying  nothing,  which  is  best. 
2* 


34  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

I  prefer  the  best. 

Well,  as  I  have  already  mentioned,  it  was  my  turn  to  en 
tertain  the  Powwow  to-night;  and  therefore,  being  host,  I 
was,  ex  officw,  Grand  Sachem,  and  had  to  read  from  the  mag 
nificent  Platonic  dialogue  which  we  are  spending  our  Satur 
day  evenings  in  studying  together. 

So,  beginning  at  the  point  where  we  left  off  last  week,  I 
read: 

"  Socrates — Gymnastics  will  hold  the  next  place  to  music  in 
the  education  of  our  young  men. 

"  Glaucon — Certainly. 

"  Socrates — No  doubt  a  careful  training  in  gymnastics 
ought  to  begin  with  their  childhood  and  go  on  through  all 
their  life.  But  the  following  is  the  true  view  of  the  case,  in 
my  opinion;  see  what  you  think  of  it:  My  belief  is,  not 
that  a  good  body  will  by  its  own  excellence  make  the  soul 
good ;  but,  on  the  contrary,  that  a  good  soul  will,  by  its  excel 
lence,  render  the  body  as  perfect  as  can  be ;  but  what  is  your 
view? 

"  Glaucon — The  same  as  yours,  Socrates." 

During  the  latter  part  of  this  speech  of  Socrates,  Dr. 
Drugger,  who  cherishes  a  sort  of  philosophico-crochety  con 
tempt  for  gymnastics,  kept  chuckling  in  grim  fashion,  and 
clapping  his  hands,  and  saying  in  undertone,  "Hear!  hear!" 
But  when  I  had  read  the  assenting  response  of  Glaucon, 
Judge  Fairplay  gave  the  signal  for  a  pause,  saying,  with 
a  mischievous  glance  at  Dr.  Drugger : 


HOW   THE    CLUB    GOT   TALKED    AS  OUT.        35 

"  Mr.  Grand  Sachem,  I  respectfully  submit  that  this  fellow 
Glaucon,  here  says  'Yes,'  a  little  too  easily.  At  all  events, 
I  can  not  indorse  his  assent,  if  Socrates  means  what  our 
Medicine-man  seems  to  think  he  does." 

"  What  can  be  plainer,"  replied  the  Doctor,  "  than  the 
meaning  of  Socrates  ?  *  A  good  soul  will,  by  its  excellence, 
render  the  body  as  perfect  as  it  can  be.7  Bravo,  Socrates ! 
That  quenches  at  one  broad  philosophical  sweep  all  this  new 
fangled  clatter  here  in  America  about  gymnastics.  Look 
after  the  soul,  cultivate  the  intellect,  regulate  the  spiritual 
nature,  and  the  body  will  take  care  of  itself,  without  the  help 
of  these  gymnastic  monkey-shines !  I  'm  charmed  to  find 
old  Socrates  and  his  son  Plato  on  my  side." 

"Not  quite  so  fast,  Doctor!"  rejoined  the  Judge;  "lam 
not  so  sure  that  you  have  Socrates  and  his  son  Plato  on  your 
side.  I  do  not  think  you  give  the  correct  interpretation 
of  the  text,  or  that  you  draw  a  just  inference  from  it.  But, 
even  if  you  do,  I  must  still  dissent ;  for  I  hold  that  grand 
old  legend :  '  Amicus  Plato,  amiciis  Socrates,  magis  tamen  arnica 
Veritas  /' " 

"  Bravo,  Judge !  bravo  !  bravo  !"  shouted  Parson  Bland ; 
and  even  the  Doctor,  carried  away  by  the  nobleness  of  the 
sentiment,  and  by  the  lofty  fervor  with  which  it  was  pro 
nounced,  smiled  his  admiration,  and  exclaimed : 

"  Well  said,  Judge !  You  lawyers  are  hard  fellows  to 
catch !  But  I  still  insist  that  I  gave  the  obvious  meaning 
of  the  text;  and  now,  the  burden  of  proof  is  with  you  to 
show,  that,  while  Plato  and  Socrates  and  my  illustrious  self 
are  on  the  one  side,  your  very  particular  friend  Yeritas  is 


36  TEE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

really  over  upon  the  other  side  with  you.  Show  that,  and, 
of  course,  though  you  will  be  but  two,  you  will  be  in  the 
majority." 

"Do  n't  you  see,  Doctor,"  retorted  the  Judge,  "if  you 
have  given  the  text  correctly  and  have  drawn  a  just  inference 
from  it,  you  reject  not  only  gymnastics,  but  your  own  profes 
sion,  too  ?  I  might  turn  upon  you  and  say,  '  Look  after 
the  soul,  cultivate  the  intellect,  regulate  the  spiritual  nature, 
and  the  body  will  take  care  of  itself,  witliout  the  help  of 


At  this  home  blow  we  all  set  up  a  laugh,  the  Doctor 
included,  who,  however,  immediately  rallied  so  far  as  to 
say: 

"You  lawyers  never  lose  a  chance  for  the  argumentum 
ad  hominemf  Still,  you  know,  Judge,  that  you  have  merely 
made  a  good  hit.  You  may  demolish  my  profession,  but  you 
have  n't  yet  demolished  my  argument." 

"Very  well,  Doctor;  I  am  content  to  do  one  thing  at  a 
time.  If,  indeed,  I  have  demolished  your  profession,  I  can 
not  help  thinking  that  glory  enough  for  one  day.  I  must 
feel  that  I  have  not  lived  in  vain. 

"  But  earnestly,  Doctor,"  and  here  the  Judge  spoke  with 
such  an  air  of  mock  solemnity  as  gave  an  exquisitely  comic 
turn  to  what  he  was  saying,  "  what  you  are  kind  enough  to 
style  a  good  hit  is  a  good  one  simply  because  it  is  a  legiti 
mate  one,  I  do  not  pretend  that  it  settles  the  general 
question  that  you  have  stated;  but  it  certainly  carries  out 
your  own  doctrine  to  its  direct  consequences.  If  you  care 
more  for  your  argument  than  you  do  for  your  profession, 


HOW   THE    CLUB    GOT   TALKED    ABOUT.          37 

I  honor  you  for  your  disinterestedness.  But  I  urge  home 
upon  you  that  if  your  doctrine  abolishes  the  gymnasts,  why, 
it  abolishes  the  doctors,  too.  If,  then,  you  are  really  con 
vinced  of  what  you  say,  you  are  bound,  as  an  honorable  man, 
to  go  home,  tear  down  your  shingle,  smash  your  drug  bottles, 
and  go  into  some  honest  business." 

"  Change  the  subject !  change  the  subject !"  cried  the 
Doctor.  "For  mercy's  sake,  Mr.  Grand  Sachem,  move  on!" 

I  resumed  the  reading.  x 
********* 

"  Socrates — We  have  already  said  that  the  persons  in  ques 
tion  must  refrain  from  drunkenness;  for  a  guardian  is  the 
last  person  in  the  world,  I  should  think,  to  be  allowed  to  get 
drunk,  and  not  to  know  where  he  is. 

II  Glaucon — Truly,  it  would  be  ridiculous  for  a  guardian  to 
require  a  guard." 

Here  the  Doctor  stopped  me : 

"  Mr.  Grand  Sachem,  being  in  a  charitable  mood  at  this 
particular  moment,  I  do  hope  that  no  one  of  the  company 
will  have  the  cruelty  to  copy  this  passage  and  send  it  to  our 
great  'guardian'  at  the  White  House.  I  fear  that  Andy 
would  think  Plato  rather  .personal." 

"  Ho !  ho !"  broke  in  the  Parson,  "  I  'm  sure  Andy  must 
have  seen  it  already.  There  can  be  no  doubt  that  he  's  a 
student  of  Plato." 

"Why?"  "why?"  "why?"  came  from  us  all. 

"'Why?'  gentlemen!  'why?'"   said  the  Parson,  with  a 


38  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

guilty,  indeed,  almost  a  sheepish  look,  as  if  he  were  on  the 
verge  of  some  outrageous  deed ;  "  how  unnecessary  a  ques 
tion  !  Have  you  not  read  Andy's  speeches  ?  Are  they  not 
full  of  Pla-to-tudes?" 

The  Parson  was  saluted  by  one  unanimous  howl.  "Bah ! 
bah !  Parson ;  and  you  to  preach  to-morrow  ?"  yelled  the 
Doctor. 

"  He  deserves  excommunication,"  shouted  I, 

"  You  say  Andy  Johnson's  speeches  are  full  of  platitudes, 
do  you?"  roared  the  Judge.  "Well,  Mr.  Grand  Sachem, 
this  is  the  first  time  I  ever  heard  lies,  bad  grammar,  black 
guardism,  and  blasphemy  called  by  that  name.  I  move  you, 
sir,  that  if  the  Parson  ever  repeats  the  ignominy  of  this 
night,  he  be  put  where  the  boys  put  Deacon  Snipp — under 
the  town  pump !" 

" Order !  order!"  said  I,  and  returned  to  Plato. 
#  *  *  *  *  *  *  ** 

"Socrates — But  where  can  you  find  a  more  signal  proof 
that  a  low  and  vicious,  education  prevails  in  a  State,  than  in 

the  fact  that  firstrate  physicians are  in  request,  not 

merely  among  base-born  mechanics,  but  even  among  those 
who  lay  claim  to  the  birth  and  breeding  of  gentlemen  ?  .  .  .  . 
And  do  you  not  hold  it  disgraceful  to  require  medical  aid, 
unless  it  be  for  a  wound,  or  an  attack  of  illness  incidental 
to  the  time  of  year,  to  require  it — I  mean,  owing  to  our  lazi 
ness  arid  the  life  we  lead,  and  to  get  ourselves  so  stuffed  with 
humors  and  wind,  like  quagmires,  as  to  compel  the  clever 
sons  of  jJEsculapius  to  call  diseases  by  such  names  as  flatu 
lence  and  catarrh  ? 


THE    CLUB    GOT   TALKED    ABOUT.        39 


"  Glaucon  —  To  be  sure,  these  are  very  strange  and  new 
fangled  names  for  disorders. 

********* 

"  Socrates  —  Then  will  'you  not  establish  in  your  city  the 
two  faculties  of  medicine  and  law,  each  having  the  character 
we  have  described  —  to  bestow  their  services  on  those  only 
of  the  citizens  whose  bodily  and  mental  constitutions  are 
sound  and  good,  leaving  those  that  are  otherwise  in  body 
to  die,  and  actually  putting  to  death  those  who  are  naturally 
corrupt  and  incurable  in  soul  ? 

"  Glaucon  —  Yes,  that  has  been  proved  to  be  the  best  course, 
both  for  the  patients  themselves  and  for  the  State. 

"  Socrates  —  As  for  the  young  men,  it  is  clear  that  they  will 
be  cautious  how  they  incur  any  need  of  law,  so  long  as  they 
use  that  simple  kind  of  music,  which,  as  we  stated,  generates 
sobriety  of  soul. 

"  Glaucon  —  Undoubtedly. 

"  Socrates  —  If,  then,  the  accomplished  student  of  music 
follows  this  same  track  in  the  pursuit  of  gymnastics,  may 
he  not,  if  he  pleases,  so  far  succeed  as  to  be  independent  of 
the  medical  art,  except  in  extreme  cases  ? 

"  Glaucon  —  I  think  he  may. 

"  Socrates  —  Moreover,  in  the  exercises  and  toils  which  he 
imposes  upon  himself,  his  object  will  be  rather  to  stim 
ulate  the  spirited  element  of  his  nature  than  to  gain 
strength  ;  and  he  will  not,  like  athletes  in  general,  take 
the  prescribed  food  and  exercise  merely  for  the  sake  of 
muscular  power. 

"  Glaucon  —  How  so  ? 


40  THE    ATHL-ETIC    CLUB. 

"Socrates — Do  you  not  observe  the  characteristics  which 
distinguish  the  minds  of  those  who  have  been  familiar  with 
gymnastics  all  their  lives,  without  any  acquaintance  with 
music?  and  again,  of  those  whose  condition  is  the  reverse 
of  this  ? 

"  Glaucon — To  what  do  you  allude  ? 

"  Socrates — To  the  roughness  and  hardness  which  mark 
the  one,  to  the  softness  and  gentleness  which  mark  the 
other. 

4f 

11  Glaucon — Oh,  yes.  Those  who  devote  themselves  to 
gymnastics  exclusively  become  ruder  than  they  ought  to 
be ;  while  those  who  have  devoted  themselves  exclusively 
to  music  are  made  softer  than  is  good  for  them. 

********* 

"Socrates — Then,  whosoever  can  best  blend  gymnastics 
with  music,  and  bring  both  to  bear  on  the  mind  most  judi 
ciously,  such  a  man  we  shall  justly  call  perfect  in  music, 
and  a  master  of  true  harmony,  much  rather  than  the  artist 
who  tunes  the  strings  of  the  lyre. 

"  Glaucon — Yes,  and  with  good  reason. 

"  Socrates — Then  will  not  some  such  overseer  be  always 
needed  in  our  State,  Glaucon,  if  our  commonwealth  is  de 
signed  to  endure  ? 

"  Glaucon — Yes,  indeed,  such  an  officer  will  be  quite  indis 
pensable." 

"  There  !  gentlemen,"  said  I,  laying  down  the  book,  "  that 
is  the  end  of  the  colloquy  on  Gymnastics.  I  confess  I  had  no 
idea,  until  this  moment,  that  Plato  was  such  a  prophet.  In 


SOW   THE    CLUB    GOT   TALKED    ABOUT.      41 

r*  ___ 

this  imaginary  '  overseer'  in  Plato's  ideal  commonwealth, 
what  a  remarkable  and  exact  prediction  of  Dio  Lewis,  who, 
in  our  time  and  land,  has,  with  such  ample  success,  married 
Musie  and  Gymnastics  at  the  altar  of  Education !" 

"Faugh!"  replied  Dr.  Drugger  with  a  sneering  manner 
that  was  too  naturalto  him,  "Do  n't,  for  God's  sake,  throw 
Plato's  mantle  over  that  stupendous  humbug !  Do  you 
know  what  sign  every  honest  physician  sees  over  Dr.  Lewis's 
door  in  Essex  Street  ?" 

"No;  what?" 

"  Why,  that  feathered  animal  which  swims  and  quacks !" 

"Ah !"  said  the  Parson;  "and  is  it  because  he  is  such  a 
duck  of  a  man  ?" 

Here  we  all  darkened  our  brows  at  the  outrageous  pun 
ster,  and  again  reminded  him  of  expulsion  and  the  town 
pump,  but  he  looked  utterly  incorrigible. 

I  am  myself  an  admirer,  though  not  without  careful  dis 
crimination,  of  Dr.  Lewis.  I  believe  him  to  be  one  of  the 
true  and  great  benefactors  of  this  age,  and  of  all  mankind; 
and  it  seemed  to  me  that  Dr.  Drugger,  in  his  rather 
coarse  attack  on  him,  was  thrusting  upon  us,  a  company 
of  philosophical  students,  the  warped  and  tainted  verdict 
of  a  merely  professional  hostility.  Accordingly  I  retorted 
upon  the  Doctor,  perhaps  somewhat  too  much  in  his  own 
style : 

"You  said,  Doctor,  that  you  and  your  brethren  always  see 
the  quacking  bird  over  Dr.  Lewis's  door  in  Essex  Street. 
Perhaps  I  can  account  for  that.  I  found,  the  other  day,  in 
Thackeray's  '  English  Humorists'  an  old  maxim  to  this 


42  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

effect:    •  '  .  each  of  us,  what  we  bring  with  us  the 

a  to  see  P  " 

"  Oh !  oh  P*  said  the  Doctor,  moving  his  chair  toward  me 
deprecatingly :  i;  that 's  f  Jre !  and  for  a  disciple 

of  the  divine  Plato,  too  P' 

H,  perhaps  it  was.  I  take  it  all  back.  But  really, 
Doctor,  you  do  injustice  to  Dio  Lewis.  And  I  affirm  that 
if  you  will  go  back  and  read  over  again  Plato's  theory 
of  gymnastics,  you  will  find  it  a  philosophical  exposition 
of  the  spirit,  the  scope,  almost  the  method,  of  the  Dio  Lewis 
Gyrrmai* 

"Come,  come,  gentlemen!"  interposed  the  Judge  "do 
not  let  us  get  to  dissecting  Dio  Lewis  to-night  We  can 
summon  hi™  to  our  scalpels  at  any  time.  But  between 
ourselves,  taking  these  pregnant  and  profound  words  of 
Plato  for  our  text,  I  want  to  suggest  to  you  one  practical 
question :  Is  it  not  a  disgrace  to  every  man  and  woman  in 
Brawnville,  more  especially  to  those  of  us  who  are  blessed 
with  influence,  and  perhaps  wealth,  that  we  have  no  Gym 
nasium  here  ?" 

"I  think,"  said  the  Doctor,  with  a  half  smile,  "that  the 
fact  is  greatly  to  the  credit  of  Brawnviile." 

"Yes,  and  in  doctor's  bills  greatV  to  its  debit,  too,  no 
doubt  you  find !  eh,  Doctor  ?*'  shouted  the  Parson. 

"  Now,  gentlemen,"  joined  in  the  Judge,  please  to  restrain 
your  sparring  propensities  a  moment,  while  I  add  this  word 
farther.  I  am  deeply  in  earnest  on  this  subject  I  have 
been  thinking  of  it  a  long  time.  I  have  something  rather 
definite  to  propose  to  you.  It  is  too  late  to  go  over  the 


HOW  THE    CLUB    GOT    IALKLL    ABOUT.        43 

ground  to-night ;  but  come  to  tea  with  me  next  Monday 
evening,  and  we  will  have  the  matter  thoroughly  canvassed. 
I  shall  solicit  your  counsel,  your  criticism,  and  your  personal 
co-operation.  I  hope  that  the  next  twelve  months  will  see 
formed  in  this  happy  village  a  good  Gymnasium,  and  not 
only  that,  but  a  Sanitary  Society,  or  Athletic  Club,  or  some 
thing  of  the  sort,  for  the  discussion  of  all  topics  relating  to 
Health." 

We  all  love  and  honor  Judge  Fairplay.  So  we  parted  to 
night  to  meet  again  next  Monday  evening  around  his  elegant 
tea  table. 


III. 

JUDGE    FAIKPLAY'S    TEA    PARTY. 

BBAWNVILLE,  November  15,  1865. 
"Y  DEAR,"  said  the  Judge,  turning  to  his  wife,  as 
we  all  sat  together  in  the  drawing  room,  "  will  you 
pardon  for  once  an  allusion  to  the  mysteries  of  that  man- 
forbidden  place,  the  kitchen !" 

"  For  just  once  !"  she  replied. 

"If,  then,  you  think  there  will  be  time  before  tea,  I  should 
like  to  read  to  these  gentlemen  the  passage  from  Horace 
Mann,  which  I  showed  you  last  night." 

"  Oh,  certainly !"  Mrs.  Fairplay  replied ;  "  there  will  be 
ample  time ;  and  if  our  friends  enjoy  the  extract  half  as  much 
as  I  did,  they  will  have  a  great  treat.  Harold,"  she  added, 
speaking  to  her  second  son,  a  bright,  handsome  lad  of  a 
dozen  years,  "  go,  dear,  to  the  library,  and  bring  from  your 
papa's  desk  the  book  you  will  find  there." 

"  I  do  not  suppose,"  said  the  Judge,  "  that  the  bit  I  want 
to  read  will  be  new  to  you ;  for  you  must  all  have  seen  it 
some  years  ago,  when  it  was  first  published.  Don't  you  re 
member  the  address  Horace  Mann  gave  on  the  opening  of 
a  gymnasium  in  Boston  ?" 

Dr.  Drugger  was  sure  he  had  never  seen  any  thing  more 
(44) 


JUDGE    FAIRPLAY'S    TEA    PAET7.  45 

of  it  than  the  cover,  if  he  had  that ;  as  a  philosopher,  he  was 
willing  to  hear  all  sides  of  all  questions ;  he  must  confess  he 
had  never  been  much  edified  by  gymnastic  addresses;  but 
he  expected  he  should  be  on  this  occasion,  for,  somehow, 
Judge  Fairplay  had  a  gift  of  rendering  every  thing  valuable 
which  passed  over  his  lips. 

We  all  saw  the  ludicrous  struggle  in  the  Doctor's  soul 
between  his  antipathy  to  gymnastics  and  his  affectionate 
courtesy  to  his  friends.  The  Judge  acknowledged  the 
compliment  with  an  amused  twinkle  of  the  eye,  and  a 
heroic  nod.  Mr.  Bland  a-nd  I  said  we  remembered  to  have 
seen  Mr.  Mann's  address  many  years  ago,  and  that  for 
that  very  reason  we  should  like  to  hear  it  or  any  part  of  it 
again. 

By  this  time  Harold  had  laid  the  book  on  his  father's 
knee.  I  thought  the  Judge  took  it  with  a  sort  of  tender 
reverence,  and  my  impression  was  immediately  confirmed; 
for,  while  he  was  turning  over  the  leaves  to  find  the  place, 
he  said : 

"  I  am  one  of  those  who  think  Horace  Mann  to  have  been 
almost  the  ideal  statesman.  How  many-sided  was  his  com 
prehension  ;  how  broad  his  sympathy ;  how  far-reaching, 
intuitive,  prophetical,  was  his  vision  ;  finally,  how  grand  his 
moral  courage — the  want  of  which  is  the  chronic  disease  of 
American  statesmanship.  His  is  the  praise  which  few  of  his 
political  contemporaries  can  receive — to  have  turned  away 
form  the  lower  lures  of  American  politics,  from  the  objects 
which  a  vulgar  ambition  covets,  and  to  have  devoted  his  great 
powers,  not  to  the  flattery  of  the  national  prejudices,  but  to 


46  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

the  removal  of  them.  With  such  gifts  as  his  he  might  have 
made  far  more  clamor  in  the  world,  gained  far  higher  offices, 
made  far  more  money ;  but  he  chose  to  enrich  his  country 
men,  by  making  them  wiser,  healthier,  better !  I  think  that, 
judged  by  the  highest  tests,  our  Websters,  Choates,  Everetts, 
Clays,  Calhouns,  seem  dwarfs — indeed,  I  had  almost  said 
demagogues — by  the  side  of  Horace  Mann.  What  did  their 
lives  signify,  after  all  ?  They  went  with  the  current,  muddy 
and  in  the  wrong  direction  as  that  current  was.  Horace 
Mann  had  the  greatness  to  go  against  the  current,  that  he 
might  purify  it  and  direct  it  into  a  nobler  channel,  to  a 
grander  outlet.  How  colossal  seems  the  figure  of  the  late 
President  of  Antioch  College  compared  with  any  late  Presi 
dent  of  the  United  States,  excepting — ONE  !  Ah !  Prada/rum 
ct  venerdbile  nomen.  But  of  Horace  Mann's  service  to  popu 
lar  education,  mental  and  physical,  I  can  not  speak  without 
emotion.  Gentlemen,  there  's  not  a  poor  child  thumbing 
his  dog-eared  spelling-book  in  a  log  hut  in  the  remotest  set 
tlement  of  our  American  wilderness,  but  owes  a  personal 
debt  to  Horace  Mann.  If  every  toiling  man  on  this  conti 
nent,  who  has  all  his  life  been  pursued  by  Poverty — that 
ghost  that  can  cast  a  shadow — but  who  has  been  enabled, 
by  the  services  of  Horace  Mann,  to  see  his  boys  and  girls, 
in  spite  of  his  own  pennilessness,  sitting  down  to  the  royal 
feast  of  knowledge  which  the  good  God  meant  should  be 
spread  for  all,  were  to  bring  but  one  poor  pebble  and 
cast  it  upon  Horace  Mann's  grave,  there  would  rise  a  mon 
ument  over  his  dust  higher  than  the  granite  shaft  at 
Bunker's  Hill.  We  ought  to  gauge  a  statesman  by  this 


JUDGE    FAIRPLAY'S    TEA    PARTY.  47 

test — not  how  much  does  lie  know,  but  how  much  does 
he  know  that  his  own  generation  does  not  know.  We 
can  say  of  the  true  statesman,  what  Wordsworth  says  of 
the  wise  man : 

"  ' he  sees  what  he  foresaw,' 

Apply  this  test  to  Horace  Mann.  Take  the  question  of 
slavery  among  us  founded  on  color,  the  question  of  slav 
ery  among  us  founded  on  sex,  and  that  other,  that  vast 
question,  which  so  many  of  our  statesmen  ignore — of  the 
mental,  and  especially  the  sanitary  condition  of  the  people ; 
and  how  great  seems  the  statesmanship  of  this  modest  pa 
triot  !  A  moment  ago  I  spoke  of  the  late  President  of 
Antioch  College  in  connection  with  the  late  Presidents  of 
the  United  States.  Were  it  not  for  the  one  redeeming 
exception  among  them,  I  should  feel  that  I  ought  to  apolo 
gize  to  the  surviving  relatives  of  Horace  Mann  for  making 
such  a  comparison.  Do  you  remember  that  grand  sentence 
of  gruff  old  Count  Gurowski  ?  '  It  is  great  and  stirring  to 
see  one's  name  recorded  on  the  list  of  the  Presidents  of  the 
United  States;  but  there  is  a  record  far  shorter  and  far 
more  to  be  envied — a  record  venerated  by  our  race — it  is 
the  record  of  GREAT  MEN  !'  On  that  venerated  record  who 
can  doubt  that  the  name  of  Horace  Mann  is  written  ?  But, 
pardon  me,  dear  friends ;  this  is  too  bad !  Here  have  1 
been  talking  so  long  about  Horace  Mann,  when  an  infi 
nitely  better  thing  was  at  our  command — to  let  Horace 
Mann  himself  speak.  Keally,  I  must  beg  your  forgiveness. 
Here  is  the  extract :" 


48  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 


Whereupon  the  Judge,  with  his  fine,  manly  elocution,  read 
these  sentences : 

"To  a  reflecting  mind  there  is  a  deeper  pleasure   than 
could   be   derived   from   any   mere    exhibition   of   strength, 
though  it  should  equal  Samson's;  or  of  fleetness,  though  it 
should  emulate  that  of  Mercury.     It  is  because  we  know  that 
every  leap  and  spring  aids  in  renewing  the  body,  and  there 
fore  in  giving  greater  hilarity  to  the  spirit,  and  superior  vigor 
to  the  intellect.     Every  motion  helps  to  construct  a  fortifica 
tion  against  disease,  and  to  render  the  body  more  impreg 
nable  against  its  attacks.     It  requires,  indeed,  no  very  strong 
imagination  to   see  the  horrid  forms  of  the  diseases  them 
selves,   as  they  are  exorcised   and  driven   from  the  bodies 
which  were  once  their  victims,  and  are  compelled  to  seek 
some  new  tenement.     Those  prodigious  leaps  over  the  vault 
ing  horse,  how  they  kick  hereditary  gout  out  of  the  toes! 
Those  swift  somersaults,  with  their  quick  and  deep  breath 
ings,  are  ejecting  bronchitis,  asthma,  and  phthisis  from  the 
throat  and   lungs.     On   yonder  pendent   rope,  consumption 
is   hung  up  like  a  malefactor,  as  he  is.     Legions  of  blue 
devils  are  impaled  on  those  parallel  bars.     Dyspepsia  lost 
hold  of  its  victim  when  he  mounted  the  flying  horse,  and 
has   never  since  been  able  to  regain  her  accursed   throne 
and  live  by  gnawing  the  vitals.     There  goes  a  flock  of  nerv 
ous  distempers — headache,  and  tic-douloureux,  and  St.  An 
thony's  fire ;  there  they  fly  out  of  the  window,  seeking  some 
stall-fed  alderman,  or  fat  millionaire,  or  aristocratic  old  lady. 
Rheumatism,  and  cramps,  and  spasms  sit  coiled  up  and  chat- 


JUDGE   FAIRPLAY'S    TEA    fAETY.  49 

tering  in  the  corners  of  the  room,  like  satanic  imps,  as  they 
are,  the  strong  muscles  of  the  athletes  having  shaken  them 
off  as  the  lion  shakes  the  dewdrops  from  his  mane.  Jaun 
dice  flies  away  to  yellow  the  cheeks  and  blear  the  eyes  of  un 
fair  young  lady  reclining  on  ottomans  in  her  parlor.  The 
balancing  pole  shakes  lumbago  out  of  the  back,  and  kinks 
out  of  the  femoral  muscles,  and  stitches  out  of  the  side. 
Pleurisy,  and  apoplexy,  and  fever,  and  paralysis,  and  death 
hover  round ;  they  look  into  the  windows  of  this  hall,  but. 
finding  brains,  and  lungs,  and  hearts  all  defiant  of  their 
power,  they  go  away  in  quest  of  some  lazy  cit,  some  guzzling 
drone,  some  bloated  epicure  at  his  late  supper,  to  fasten  their 
fangs  upon  him.  In  the  mean  time,  the  rose  blooms  again 
on  the  pale  cheek  of  the  gymnast ;  his  shriveled  skin  is  filled 
out,  and  his  non-elastic  muscles  and  bones  rejoice  anew  in 
the  vigor  and  buoyancy  of  youth.  A  place  like  this  ought 
to  be  named  the  Palace  of  Health !" 

The  reading  of  this  eloquent  passage  was  greeted  witL 
exclamations  of  delight,  in  which  even  Dr.  Drugger  heartily 
joined ;  for  he  had  a  keen  intellectual  appreciation  of  ? 
literary  masterpiece.  Yet  it  was  evident  to  us  that,  whiL 
his  intellect  was  pleased,  his  prejudices  were  suffering  iron, 
neuralgia. 

"Capital,  capital!"  said  he.  "Fine  piece  of  idealizing 
Was  not  aware  that  Horace  Mann  had  so  much  imagination 
Why,  it 's  poetry — muscular  poetry ;  yes,  Judge,  rather  mon 
poetry,  I  apprehend,  than  truth." 

Before  any  of  us  could  reply  to  this  covert  hit,  tea  was 
3 


50  THE    ATELET1C    CLUB. 

announced,  and  the  subject  was  lost  for  a  time  in  general 
conversation  around  the  table.  At  last  Judge  Fairplay 
said: 

"That  last  sentence  from  Horace  Mann  keeps  coming 
back  to  my  mind:  *A  place  like  this  ought  to  be  named 
the  Palace  of  Health ;'  and  I  can't  quite  settle  it  with  my 
conscience  that  we  have  no  such  Palace  of  Health  in 
Brawnville." 

There  was  a  moment's  pause.  Would  the  Judge  go  on 
and  unfold  to  us  his  project,  or  would  he  wait  to  observe  the 
effect  of 'this  remark?  Presently,  Mr.  Bland,  our  clerical 
athlete,  broke  silence : 

"I  know  Drugger  needs  no  help  in  his  vocation  of  resist 
ing  all  attacks  of  gymnastics  with  which  Brawnville  may  be 
threatened;  but  he  must  be  rather  tired  of  the  monotony 
of  doing  all  the  work  himself.  If  he  will  permit  me,  I  '11 
put  in  my  oar  on  his  side.  Let  me  state  to  you,  Judge,  the 
objection  which  I  know  many  will  make  to  the  idea  of  hav 
ing  a  gymnasium  here.  This  is  but  a  village,  they  will  say, 
too  small  to  support  a  gymnasium — far  too  small  to  build 
one.  Moreover,  it  will  be  said,  we  do  not  need  a  gymna 
sium  here.  In  large  cities,  where  the  air  is  less  pure,  where 
people  are  inclosed  in  shops  and  offices  all  day,  where  access 
to  fields  and  hills  and  river  banks  is  not  easy,  there  is  need 
of  some  artificial  arena  for  exercise,  some  Palace  of  Health, 
like  that  one  in  Boston?  which  Horace  Mann  inaugurated 
with  the  magnificent  oration  from  which  you  have  read  to 
us  ;  but  here,  in  this  rural  village,  the  case  is  different.  Tho 
fields  are  all  about  us.  A  five  minutes'  walk  brings  us  to 


JUDGE    FAIRPLAT'S    TEA    PARTY,  51 

v* 

& 
them.     Yonder  are  the  hills.     Yonder  the  river  "banks.     Our 

gymnasium  is  Nature.  We,  too,  here  in  Brawnville,  have  a 
Palace  of  Health ;  but  it  is  one  not  made  with  hands.  The 
sky  is  the  dome  of  it ;  the  trees  of  the  forest  are  its  apparatus ; 
the  hills  are  its  galleries ;  and  yon  beautiful  stream  of  water 
flowing  through  the  midst  of  it  is  its  lavatory.  Will  it  not 
be  an  ingratitude — nay,  an  impertinence — for  us  to  build, 
by  the  side  of  this  grand  and  capacious  Palace  of  Health, 
any  paltry  affair  of  bricks  and  shingles,  such  as  the  best 
fabric  made  by  man  must  appear  ?" 

We  all  waited  somewhat  eagerly  to  hear  how  the  Judge 
would  receive  this  objection,  which,  by  the  way,  we  thought 
»the  Parson  had  stated  with  remarkable  felicity  and  vigor. 
The  Judge  sat  some  time  in  silence,  evidently  in  deep  medi 
tation,  but  gazing  steadfastly  at  no  more  considerable  object 
than  his  teaspoon,  which  he  turned  over  and  over  on  the 
edge  of  the  cup.  As  he  did  not  offer  to  speak,  Mrs.  Fair- 
play  rallied  him,  laughingly : 

"  My  dear,  has  Mr.  Bland  so  effectually  demolished  your 
project  of  a  gymnasium  that  you  can't  speak?  Or  do  you 
expect  to  get  some  help  from  that  teaspoon  that  you  stare  at 
so  intently  ?" 

"Do  n't  be  alarmed,  madam,  about  your  husband's  si 
lence,"  said  the  Doctor.  "La \vyers  are  never  unable  to  speak, 
though  they  do  draw  a  good  deal  of  inspiration  from  the 
metal  of  which  that  teaspoon  is  made.  He  will  be  all  right 
in  a\ioment." 

"  Mr.  Bland,"  said  the  Judge  at  last,  looking  up  with  a 
smile,  and  quite  ignoring  the  last  two  remarks,  "do  you 


52  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

remember  what  church  Carlyle — I  think  in  his  'Life  of"' John 
Sterling' — speaks  of  going  to  ?" 

"No,  Judge,  I  do  not." 

"Well,  he  speaks  of  going,  one  Sunday,  to  'the  great 
Cathedral  of  Immensity.' " 

"Why,  my  dear,"  exclaimed  Mrs.  Fairplay,  "what  in  the 
world  has  that  to  do  with  the  objection  to  a  gymnasium 
which  Mr.  Bland  has  just  stated  ?" 

"  It  has  this  to  do  with  it — if  Nature  serves  for  a  gymna 
sium,  it  serves  for  a  church,  too.  If  the  gymnasium  built 
by  Nature  renders  unnecessary  the  gymnasium  built  by  man, 
so,  likewise,  does  the  church  built  by  Nature  render  unneces 
sary  the  man-made  church."  , 

"There,  Parson!"  broke  in  Dr.  Drugger,  in  high  glee, 
"  it 's  your  turn  now.  Last  Saturday  the  Judge  upset  my 
profession ;  now  he  's  for  upsetting  yours !  Why,  what 
would  the  man  have  left  in  the  world  ?  Nobody,  good  heav 
ens,  but  gymnasts  and  lawyers ! — the  heroes  of  the  muscle, 
and  the  heroes  of  the  tongue." 

"No,  Doctor,"  retorted  the  Judge:  "it  is  not  so  easy  to 
upset  the  Parson's  profession  as  it  is  yours.  Neither  am 
I  trying  to.  His  profession  was  ordained  of  God;  yours 

was  ordained  of well,  never  mind,  I  won't  mention  his 

name !  No,  no,  Doctor ;  I  am  not  attacking  the  Parson's 
profession,  only  the  place  where  he  usually  engages  in  it. 
I  wish  to  show  him  thai  the  same  argument  which  sends  the 
gymnasts  into  the  woods  to  practice,  sends  the  parsons  fnere, 
too,  to  preach." 

"  I  appreciate  the  argument,"  Mr.  Bland  said,  with  a  gra- 


JUDGE    FAIRPLAY'S    TEA    PARTY.  53 

cicras  bow.     "But,  Judge,  do  tell  us  a  little  more  explicitly 
how  you  would  meet  the  objection  which  I  stated  a  moment 


"  With  all  my  heart,"  said  the  Judge.  "I  should  reply  to 
the  man  who  says  'Nature  is  our  best  gymnasium,'  Certainly, 
and  it  is  our  best  cathedral  or  meeting  house,  too.  The  groves 
were  God's  first  temples.  There  men  worshiped  in  the  in 
fancy  of  society ;  there  they  would  continue  to  worship,  were 
it  not  for  certain  practical  inconveniences,  which  make  it 
necessary  for  us  to  erect  a  church — that  ingratitude,  nay,  that 
impertinence,  a  man-made  tabernacle,  which,  in  comparison 
with  the  tabernacle  which  God  made — the  grand,  sky-arched, 
star-lighted,  mountain-buttressed,  meadow-paved  Cathedral 
of  Nature — is,  indeed,  bat  a  paltry  affair  of  bricks  and  shin 
gles.  What  are  the  practical  inconveniences,  do  you  ask,  to 
worshiping  only  in  Nature's  Cathedral?  They  are  chiefly 
those  of  climate.  There  are  others,  also;  but  climate  pre 
sents  the  first  and  greatest.  It  rains,  it  is  cold,  the  wind 
blows;  therefore,  we  shelter  ourselves  in  churches  of  our 
own  building,  instead  of  occupying  the  one  great  church 
which  Nature  built  for  us.  So  of  gymnasiums — Nature's 
gymnasium  and  man's  gymnasium.  There  is  no  rivalry 
between  them ;  they  are  both  needed.  There  are  many  days 
in  the  year  when,  as  you  have  just  intimated,  our  best  gym 
nastic  exercises  can  be  taken  at  the  river  and  on  the  hills. 
But,  in  this  climate,  how  many  days,  weeks — nay,  months — 
there  are  every  year  when  Nature  closes  the  doors  of  her  big 
gymnasium  and  shuts  us  out.  It  is  winter ;  so,  Nature  puts 
a  notice  on  the  door  :  '  Gymnasium  closed  for  repairs !'  The 


54  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 


wind  blows  furiously;  so  Nature  puts  up  another  notice: 
4 Gymnasium  closed  while  being  swept!'  It  rains;  Nature 
now  puts  up  the  placard :  '  Gymnasium  closed  until  washed !' 
Meantime  what  are  we  to  do  for  exercise  ?  The  community 
replies :  '  Wait  a  few  weeks  or  months  till  Nature's  gynma- 
nasium  be  reopened.'  The  community  merely  proves  by 
that  reply  how  imperfectly  it  is  educated.  The  community 
confesses  by  that  reply  that  it  does  not  yet  understand  one 
of  the  most  important  of  the  primary  laws  of  being — 
namely,  that  physical  exercise  is  a  sacred  ritual  for  each 
day's  service;  that  physical  exercise  belongs  essentially  to 
the  economy  which  God  has  ordained  for  the  harmonies  and 
sanities  of  existence ;  no  more  to  be  intermitted  for  a  week 
or  a  day  than  food,  than  drink,  than  sleep,  than  laughter, 
than  prayer  and  praise.  Therefore,  my  dear  Mr.  Bland,  the 
objection  of  which  you  consented  to  be  tha  mouthpiece  for 
a  moment,  is  but  the  objection  of  an  imperfect  education  as 
to  the  laws  of  being.  "What  is  for  us  to  do,  then  ?  To  yield 
to  that  objection?  No;  let  us  try  to  remove  it  by  removing 
its  cause." 

Mr.  Bland  was  the  first  to  speak : 

"I  do  n't  need  to  tell  you,  Judge,  how  entirely,  how  heart 
ily  I  accord  with  what  you  have  said.  And  I  would  add  just 
this  in  support  of  your  view :  Man's  gymnasium  is  a  prepara 
tion  for  Nature's  gymnasium.  It  is  not  only  true  that  we  can 
take  exercise  in  a  building  when  we  can't  do  so  in  the  open 
air ;  but  the  very  exercises  which  we  get  in  a  building  are  a 
help  in  doing  those  which  we  are  to  get  in  the  open  air. 
They  reach  muscles  which  would  be  otherwise  neglected; 


JUDGE    FAIEPZAY'S    TEA    PARTY.  55 

they  promote  erectness  and  symmetry;  above  all,  they  key 
up  the  instrument,  they  tune  it,  for  service  in  the  great  or 
chestra  of  out  doors." 

At  this  point,  rising  from  the  table,  we  adjourned  to  the 
library.  The  Judge  has  recently  received,  from  Paris,  Dora's 
illustrations  of  Dante,  and  we  spent  some  time  in  turning 
over  those  leaves,  on  which  the  artist  seems  to  have  held  a 
mad  revel  of  horror,  terror,  and  woe.  Presently,  however, 
we  were  summoned  to  business  by  the  Judge. 

"  Come,  gentlemen,  let  us  get  out  of  Inferno  and  make  our 
wav  to  some  wholesomer  region.  That  sentence  of  Horace 
Mann  still  haunts  me :  l  A  place  like  this  ought  to  be  named 
the  Palace  of  Health.'  I  long  to  see  such  a  Palace  of 
Health  in  Brawnville.  I  want  to  talk  over  with  you  a  pro 
ject  I  have  carefully  considered.  Be  my  advisers.  I  have 
in  mind  something,  not  very  large,  of  course,  but  far  more 
complete,  in  its  way,  than  seems  to  have  been  attempted 
in  modern  times ;  something  which  shall  combine  the  mod 
ern  gymnasium  with  the  lyceum,  the  book  club,  the  debat 
ing  society,  and  even  the  social  circle ;  an  institution  on  the 
basis  of  the  gymnasium,  but,  like  the  old  Athenian  gym 
nasia,  to  be  the  nucleus  and  the  vehicle  for  intellectual 
culture,  for  the  study  and  discussion  of  health  laws,  for  the 
love  of  the  beautiful,  for  all  that  can  refine,  expand,  and 
ennoble  the  manhood  and  womanhood  of  this  community, 
and  not  merely  for  this  generation,  but  for  the  generations 
that  are  to  follow  us.  '  This  is  a  fine  dream,'  you  will  say ; 
'but  fine  dreams  do  not  travel  except  on  golden  "\v heels.' 
I  accept  the  intimation.  Awhile  ago  I  quoted  a  saying 


56  TEE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

, § .  . . 

of  Carlyle's.  I  remember  another  of  his  sayings.  It  is 
abont  Schiller.  He  says  that  in  his  early  manhood,  that 
great  poet  'felt  the  mortifying  truth  that  to  arrive  at  the 
ideal  world,  he  must  gain  a  footing  on  the  real.'  That 
is,  indeed,  a  'mortifying  truth.'  How  often  it  thrusts 
itself  in  upon  our  petty  enthusiasms,  collapses  our  cheap 
air-castles,  mortifies  our  vanity,  our  ambition,  our  youthful 
hope.  Well,  gentlemen,  I  have  many  things,  even  about 
this  world,  yet  to  learn ;  but  I  think  I  may  consider  myself  a 
master  at  least  of  that  lesson  which  Schiller  learned  so  early. 
For  my  ideal  Palace  of  Health,  I  have  indeed  considered  the 
necessity  of  a  footing  in  the  real  world.  The  footing  which 
I  propose  for  it,  is  just  the  size  of  two  village  lots,  to  wit : 
that  pair  of  vacant  lots  on  Main  Street,  just  east  of  the  Post- 
office,  which,  belonging  to  me,  I  am  ready  to  dedicate  to  this 
purpose.  Moreover,  I  have  got  from  an  architect  in  Boston, 
plans  and  estimates  for  our  Palace.  On  the  principle  that 
men  value  most  that  which  costs  them  something,  I  wish  to 
induce  our  people  to  invest  in  this  enterprise  ;  but  my 
check  is  ready  for  half  the  cost.  My  idea  is  to  form  an 
Athletic  Club  ;  to  have  it  incorporated ;  to  have  it  erect  a 
pretty  Grecian  temple,  one  part  being  a  single  large  room 
to  be  used  as  a  gymnasium,  and  for  lectures ;  the  other 
part  being  for  a  reading  room,  for  dressing  rooms  and  lav 
atories,  especially  for  a  library  room  in  which  the  literary 
and  social  meetings  of  the  Club  can  be  held.  We  have  no 
lyceum  in  Brawnville.  We  never  have  among  us  any  of  the 
lecturers.  We  need  the  stimulus  of  an  occasional  visitor 
from  the  outer  world.  Our  Club  might  easily  supply  that 


JUDGE    FAIRPLATS    TEA    PARTY.  57 

need.  But,  of  course,  the  principal  function  of  the  Club 
would  be  not  the  importation  of  talent,  but  the  evolution 
of  ic — our  own  exercise,  physical  and  mental ;  the  diffusion 
among  us  of  health,  and  of  just  ideas  upon  health,  in  the 
broad  and  sublime  sense  of  that  word.  I  have  called  you 
together  as  my  special  friends,  my  intellectual  companions, 
in  order  to  talk  this  matter  over  with  you  before  I  propose 
it  to  the  public.  I  am  anxious  to  assist  in  the  establishment 
here  of  something  which  shall  be  an  enduring  blessing  to 
the  community.  I  believe  that  a  genuine  classical  gymna 
sium  would  best  accomplish  that  desire." 

Extreme  admiration  puts  out  the  critic's  eye.  The  next 
few  moments  were  consecrated  to  grateful  enthusiasm.  We 
thought  too  much  of  the  nobleness  of  our  friend's  nature,  to 
be  able  to  anatomize  his  project.  As  for  the  Parson  and  my 
self,  it  met  our  views  exactly.  We  cordially  indorsed  and 
applauded  it.  In  some  matters  of  detail,  there  might  be 
room  for  a  suggestion  or  two  from  us ;  in  the  broad  outline 
of  the  scheme,  none.  With  Dr.  Drugger  it  was,  of  course, 
different.  He  is  a  sworn  foe  to  "  gymnastic  monkey  shines," 
as  he  calls  them.  He  makes  no  concealment  of  the  fact; 
and  Judge  Fairplay,  in  asking  his  presence  to-night,  must 
have  anticipated  his  opposition  to  all  that  part  of  his  plan 
which  involves  gymnastics,  a  part,  indeed,  which  holds  the 
same  relation  to  the  whole  that  the  Prince  of  Denmark  does 
to  the  tragedy  called  by  his  name.  The  Doctor,  who  is  a  true 
gentleman,  and  was  anxious  to  be  faithful  to  his  own  nature, 
and  at  the  same  time  to  be  not  wanting  in  appreciation  of 
3* 


58  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

Judge  Fairplay's  magnanimity,  paved  the  way  for  his  objec 
tion  thus : 

"  We  four  are  friends,  dear  friends.  We  are  students  of 
philosophy.  We  are  bound  together  in  the  fellowship  of 
culture  and  love  of  truth.  Our  intimacy  is  all  the  deeper, 
and  all  the  more  fruitful,  because  it  is  based,  not  on  identity, 
but  on  diversity — diversity  in  profession,  habit,  temperament, 
opinion.  The  one  essential  bond  between  us  is  the  spirit  in 
which  we  pursue  our  several  courses  of  thinking  and  living ; 
and  that,  as  Goethe  says,  '  is  the  highest  matter ;'  indeed,  it 
is  almost  the  only  matter !  We  respect  and  love  each  other. 
We  are  honest,  each  to  each,  and  therefore  each  to  himself. 
We  respect  each  other's  personality,  down  to  the  last  atom 
of  idiosyncrasy  and  whim.  For  this  reason,  though  we  differ, 
we  are  harmonious;  though  our  opinions  clash,  our  hearts 
do  not.  You  know,  my  dear  Judge,  that  I  hold  very  decided 
views  on  the  subject  of  gymnastics.  If  I  object  to  that  fea 
ture  of  your  beautiful  scheme,  surely  you  will  not  think  me 
insensible  to  the  large  and  noble  benignity  of  the  scheme  as 
a  whole." 

"  I  assure  you,  my  dear  Doctor,"  earnestly  exclaimed  the 
Judge,  "  you  can  not  pay  me  a  higher  compliment  than  by 
bringing  to  bear  upon  my  plan,  whether  for  support  or  for 
censure,  your  own  individuality." 

"You  are  well  aware,  Judge,"  the  Doctor  replied,  "that 
I  do  not  join  in  what  I  must  call  this  modern  cackle  over 
gymnastics.  Perhaps  if  it  had  been  indulged  in  with  mode 
ration,  I  might  have  assented  to  it.  But  the  new  claim  for 
gymnastics,  by  its  extravagance,  its  pretentiousness,  its  shal- 


JUDGE    FAIRPLAY'S    TEA    PARTY.  59 

low  and  illogical  clamor,  provokes  my  antagonism  and  dis 
gust.  It  is  soaked  through,  and  through  with  quackery. 
I  wonder  that  your  literary  hero,  Carlyle,  has  not  got  it 
into  the  list  of  things  which  he  lives  to  denounce,  to  wit: 

' fire  horses,   jotuns,  wind-bags,   owls,   Choektaws  and 

horsehair,  shams  and  flunkeyism,  unwisdom,  tythes  and 
unveracities !'  I  object  to  the  present  drift  of  the  public 
mind  toward  gymnastics  on  many  grounds.  I  object  to  it 
both  as  a  physiologist  and  as  a  moralist.  I  see  in  it  perils 
of  all  sorts.  However,  I  need  not  go  into  that  subject  now ; 
you  and  I  have  had  it  all  over  before.  But,  concerning  your 
plan  of  a  gymnasium  here,  one  personal  consideration  occurs 
to  me.  Let  me  ask  if  it  be  not  essential  to  the  plan,  that 
you  gentlemen  who  advocate  the  gymnasium,  should  show 
your  faith  by  your  works,  and  personally  engage  in  its 
exercises  ?" 

"  Certainly!  by  all  means!"  replied  the  Judge.  Upon  this 
reply,  which  was  spoken  with  great  earnestness,  the  Doctor 
sat  in  silence  gazing  disconsolately  at  the  floor.  Presently, 
however,  throwing  his  eyes  around  our  little  company,  he 
said: 

"And  do  you,  Judge,  and  do  you,  Parson,  and  do  you, 
Schoolmaster,  mean  actually  to  plunge  in  among  the  village 
boys,  and  pull  your  coats  off,  and  there,  in  your  shirt  sleeves, 
and  perhaps  in  the  presence  of  people  who  for  many  years 
have  held  you  in  respect,  perform  antics  for  their  diversion  ? 
Shall  it  be  said  that  Judge,  Parson,  and  Schoolmaster  have 
turned  acrobats?  That,  indeed,  would  produce  mirth;  but 
it  would  produce  also  something  more  than  mirth.  For  no 


60  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

community  can  lose  its  reverence  for  its  chief  citizens  with 
out  a  loss  of  moral  and  social  tone,  without  the  general  man 
ners  suffering.  I  can  not  understand  how  you  can  submit  to 
such  humiliation.  I  can  but  feel  that  it  is  unworthy  of  you. 
It  seems  to  me  that  the  voice  of  a  true  dignity,  of  a  manly 
self-respect,  breathes  in  those  mournful  and  scornful  words 
which  Milton  puts  into  the  mouth  of  Samson,  when  the  Phil 
istines  came  to  take  him  from  the  mill,  and  make  an  exhi 
bition  of  his  muscle  for  the  amusement  of  a  gaping  crowd : 

"  '  Have  they  not  sword  players,  and  every  sort 
Of  gymniclc  artists,  wrestlers,  riders,  runners, 
Jugglers  and  dancers,  antics  mummers  and  mimicks, 
But  they  must  pick  me  out,  with  shackles  tired, 
And  overlabored  at  the  public  mills, 
To  make  them  sport  with  blind  activity  ?' 

How  it  will  breed  degeneracy  here  in  Brawnville  to  have 
our  chief  dignitaries  turned  into  'gymnick  artists,'1  and  along 
with  'jugglers  and  dancers, .  antics  mummers  and  mimicks,' 
making  sport  for  all  those  who  can  buy  tickets  to  witness 
the  show !  Ha,  ha,  ha  !  Judge  Fairplay  in  his  shirt 
sleeves,  standing  on  his  head!  I  speak  now  for  reserved 
seats!" 

The  Judge  awaited  patiently  the  end  of  Dr.  Drugger's 
sarcastic  tirade. 

"  Well,  Doctor,  as  you  have  attacked  me  with  one  quota 
tion,  I  will  meet  your  attack  with  another.  Against  your 
Milton,  or  rather  against  your  Milton's  Samson  Agonistes, 
I  will  bring  out  Bishop  Hurd.  In  one  of  his  Dialogues,  that 


JUDGE   lAlKPLAY'S    TEA    PARTY.  61 

p* 

on  the  age  of  Elizabeth,  if  I  mistake  not,  lie  has  this  remark, 
which  seems  to  me  eminently  pertinent  to  the  present  case : 
1  But  you  must  not  think  to  discredit  these  gymnastics  with  a 
little  raillery,  which  had  its  foundation  in  modern  prejudices.' 
Now,  Doctor,  you  know  I  always  enjoy  a  fine  bit  of  raillery ; 
and  I  must  say  the  specimen  you  have  given  us  is  admirable. 
But  as  an  example  of  reasoning — well,  I  imagine  you  did  not 
intend  it  for  that !  Yet,  beneath  what  you  have  said,  lurks 
the  real  objection,  after  all,  which  deters  multitudes  of  pro 
fessional  men  from  engaging  in  gymnastic  exercise ;  it  is  the 
feeling  that  on  the  whole  it  is  *  infra  dig'  for  gentlemen  to 
do  that  sort  of  thing.  I  acknowledge  that  this  objection  is 
not  often  put  into  words.  For  that  very  reason  I  am  satisfied 
it  is  the  deepest  and  most  real  one.  Very  well ;  the  only  ques 
tion  for  us  to  consider  is,  whether  the  objection  be  founded  on 
just  ideas  of  the  Becoming,  or  only  on  artificial  and  therefore 
superficial  ones.  Is  it  based  .on  sound  reason,  or  only  on 
sounding  prejudice  ?  Does  the  ritual  of  a  good  gymnasium, 
conducted  in  a  spirit  of  refined  and  enlightened  taste,  contra 
dict  the  universal  and  permanent  laws  of  Fitness,  or  merely 
our  modern,  local,  absurd,  and  transient  customs  ?  I  should 
be  convinced  that  the  latter  is  the  true  view,  by  the  simple 
fact  that  you,  my  dear  Doctor,  in  attempting  to  portray  the 
unseemliness  of  gymnastics,  found  yourself  unable  to  make 
out  a  case  without  exaggeration,  and  exaggeration  of  a 
very  palpable  and  grotesque  kind.  All  that  about  'shirt 
sleeves,'  '  standing  on  the  head,'  and  *  making  an  exhibition' 
of  ourselves,  is  mere  caricature.  These  offensive  things  are 
not  an  essential  part  of  gymnastics.  You  can  practice  gym- 


62  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

nasties  without  being  in  your  *  shirt  sleeves,'  or  standing  on 
your  head,'  or,  making  an  exhibitior,of  yourself.  In  every 
true  gymnasium  a  special  costume  will  be  worn  by  every  prac 
titioner  ;  for  example,  the  Garibaldi  jacket  and  flannel  trow- 
sers — a  costume  at  once  decorous,  easy,  graceful,  and  pictur 
esque.  Then,  too,  the  acrobatic  element  is  rapidly  passing 
away  from  our  best  gymnastic  methods,  and  from  the  Dio 
Lewis  method,  it  has  passed  away  entirely.  Finally,  the 
exercises  will  not,  by  the  true  gymnast,  be  engaged  in  as 
they  are  by  these  'mimicks'  and  'jugglers'  to  whom  you 
compared  us,  for  show  or  for  pay,  but  in  conscious  obedience 
to  a  great  physiological  law,  and  for  our  own  individual  im 
provement  in  bodily  and  mental  strength. 

"You  cited,  a  moment  since,  the  noble  aphorism  of 
Goethe  :  '  The  spirit  in  which  we  act  is  the  highest  matter  I' 
Apply  that  wise  principle  to  the  case  of  true  gymnasts.  In 
what  spirit  do  they  exercise  ?  Is  it  in  a  spirit  unworthy  of 
a  gentleman?  Is  it  in  the  spirit  of  acrobats,  and  mounte 
banks,  and  mummers?  Is  it  for  vanity,  ostentation,  lucre? 
Or,  is  it  rather  in  the  spirit  of  thoughtful  and  conscientious 
men,  reverencing  all  God's  laws,  and  showing  that  reverence 
by  active  obedience?  In  such  a  work,  pursued  in  such  a 
spirit,  is  there  any  thing  undignified,  unmanly,  or,  if  you 
prefer  the  next  word,  ungentlemanly  ?  If  the  performance  of 
legitimate  gymnastic  exercises  by  the  Parson  here,  or  by  the 
Schoolmaster,  or  by  myself,  should  make  any  silly  people 
deride,  it  would  be,  not  because  the  exercises  were  unbecom 
ing,  but  because  the  people  were  silly.  In  my  judgment,  old 
Diogenes  was  a  true  gentlemen,  if  he  did  live  in  a  tub.  You 


JUDGE    FAIRPLAY'S    TEA     PAETT  63 

remember  what  lie  said  when  some  one  spoke  to  him  of  the 
sneers  and  laughter  of  certain  foplings.  'Diogenes,  they 
deride  you  I'  *  But,'  said  the  grand  old  fellow  in  the  true 
dignity  of  a  man,  '/ am  not  derided!1  Why,  my  dear  Doctor, 
are  we  in  this  world  to  be  kept  from  doing  what  God 
requires;  are  we  to  be  frightened  from  the  pursuit  of  a 
healthful  and  beautiful  object,  by  the  grinnings  of  a  clown 
or  the  booby  stare  of  an  ignoramus?  The  rude  of  all 
nations  think  that  preposterous  to  which  they  are  unaccus 
tomed.  With  your  frock  coat,  and  silk  hat,  in  the  country 
villages  of  Turkey,  you  would  be  received  with  the  same 
ridicule  that  a  Pasha  and  three  tails  would  be  in  the  country 
villages  of  America.  Let  us  be  philosophers,  not  the  slaves 
of  local  prejudice.  Let  us  first  ascertain  what  is  intrinsically 
true,  beautiful,  and  good;  then  let  us  follow  it,  without 
scorn,  without  fear.  The  ignorant  will  gaze,  the  silly  will 
giggle;  that  can  not  harm  us,  while  our  course  may  ulti 
mately  benefit  them." 

As  the  Doctor  seemed  disinclined  to  carry  the  discussion 
farther,  Judge  Fairplay  rose  and  took  from  a  drawer  the 
plans  for  the  gymnasium  which  he  had  received  from,  his 
architect  in  Boston.  These  he  spread  out  upon  the  table  for 
our  inspection.  When  we  had  carefully  examined  them,  he 
asked  us  to  suggest  the  best  method  of  bringing  the  subject 
before  the  public.  After  much  deliberation  it  was  decided  to 
call  a  meeting  of  the  villagers  for  the  purpose  of  hearing 
Judge  Eairplay's  proposal  and  of  discussing  the  whole 
subject. 

As  I  wended  my  way  home  to-night  to  my  lonely  room,  I 


64  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

V 

felt  revived  and  cheered  by  the  conversation  of  the  evening ; 
above  all,  by  the  clear  vision  which  has  dawned  upon  me  of 
the  creation  here,  in  this  secluded  spot,  of  a  unique  and 
beneficent  institution  which  may  yet  shed  a  light  across  the 
whole  land.  Aristotle,  speaking  of  Crete,  uttered  the 
aphorism  that  "Insular  positions  are  favorable  to  political 
experiments."  So  it  seems  to  me,  by  an  obvious  analogy, 
that  retired  villages  are  favorable  to  educational  experi 
ments.  I  expect  that  Judge  Fairplay's  plan  will  be  opposed 
'by  a  few  bigots  of  the  Deacon  Snipp  persuasion ;  and,  no 
doubt,  it  will  encounter  other  difficulties  of  a  more  important 
kind.  But  Judge  Fairplay  is  a  man  who  never  fails.  This 
project  is  the  child  of  his  matured  judgment,  of  his  con 
science  and  his  heart.  Opposition  will  but  rouse  the  ener 
gies  of  his  nature  and  secure  the  accomplishment  of  the 
very  object  it  meant  to  defeat.  To  him,  more  than  to  any 
other  man  I  have  ever  known,  might  be  applied  the  latter 
part  of  that  description  which  occurs  in  Foster's  Essay  on 
Decision  of  Character:  "An  irresolute  mind  might  ,be 
quelled  and  subdued  by  a  formidable  kind  of  opposition; 
but  the  strong  wind  which  blows  out  the  taper  augments  a 
powerful  fire,  if  there  be  fuel  enough,  to  an  indefinite 


IV. 

THE    YILLAGEES    IN    MASS    MEETING. 

BRAWNVILLE,  November  24,  1865. 

TTTE  were  like  Belgium's  capital  to-night — there  was  a 
11  sound  of  revelry  in  Brawn  ville.  For  in  our  quiet 
Tillage,  where  reigns  the  serenity  of  a  population  of  lotus- 
eaters,  any  sound  seems  like  a  sound  of  revelry,  which  is 
not  a  sound  of  homeward-plodding  villagers,  or  of  prayer- 
meeting  devotees.  Were  it  not  for  the  occasional  presence 
of  a  meandering  magician,  or  of  a  maundering  phrenologist, 
or  of  a  tempestuous  Temperance  lecturer,  we  Brawnvillans, 
nestling  in  our  far-away  rural  valley,  might  consider  our 
selves  treated  to  the  cold  shoulder,  snubbed,  ignored,  by  the 
entire  outside  world.  Left  thus  to  our  own  resources,  a  very 
mild  beverage  indeed  acts  as  a  powerful  stimulus  upon 
us.  I  think  the  dropping  of  an  aerolite  into  the  midst  of 
the  town  at  noon-day  would  have  caused  less  agitation  and 
eifervescence  than  did  the  announcement  made  shortly  after 
our  tea  party  at  Judge  Eairplay's,  that  there  would  be  a 
meeting  of  the  villagers  to-night  at  the  schoolhouse,  to  con 
sider  the  proposition  of  establishing  a  Gymnasium  in  Brawn- 
ville.  It  had  been  at  first  intended  to  hold  the  meeting  at 
one  of  the  churches ;  but  this  plan  was  received  with  such 


66  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

righteous  indignation  by  certain  of  our  good  people  that  we 
thought  it  best  to  give  it  up.  Parson  Bland  was  sure  that 
his  church  could  be  had  for  the  purpose ;  and  the  Pastor  of 
the  First  Church,  the  Rev.  Job  Fearful,  a  most  excellent 
divine,  of  a  meek,  inoffensive,  and  bilious  aspect,  was  in 
clined  to  recommend  to  his  deacons  the  use  of  theirs,  if  it 
should  be  desired.  Mr.  Fearful  is  one  of  those  superlatively 
modest  and  angelic  dispensers  of  the  Gospel,  who,  devoting 
their  lives  to  the  salvation  of  other  people's  souls,  have  never 
the  courage  to  say  that  they  have  any  souls  of  their  own; 
and  before  one  wave  of  Deacon  Snipp's  scepter,  the  good 
man  is  accustomed  to  surrender  at  discretion,  and  retire 
into  the  tranquil  cell  of  his  own  humility  and  insignificance. 
On  his  mentioning  to  the  Deacons  the  request  that  the 
church  might  be  granted  for  -a  village  meeting  to  consider 
the  establishment  of  a  gymnasium  in  Brawnville,  Deacon 
Snipp  rose  to  an  unwonted  height  of  pious  wrath,  and  avowed 
his  willingness  "  to  see  the  church  burned  to  the  ground,  and 
its  site  plowed  over  and  sowed  with  salt,  rather  than  have  it 
desecrated  by  an  assemblage  convened  for  so  worldly  and, 
indeed,  godless  a  purpose.  He  was  surprised  that  their  hon 
ored  Pastor  should  even  propose  such  a  thing.  It  would  be 
a  most  wicked  concession  to  a  carnal  spirit  that  was  now 
rampant  in  the  village.  Men  were  getting  to  care  more  for 
their  bodies  than  for  their  souls.  He  did  not  know  what 
judgment  God  was  about  to  punish  them  with  for  such  a 
xcmoval  of  the  ancient  landmarks."  One  of  his  colleagues, 
Deacon  Wafcson,  suggested  that  "Perhaps  men  would  care 
just  as  much  for  their  souls,  even  if  they  did  pay  some  atten- 


THE    VILLAGE    MASS    MEETING.  67 

tion  to  their  bodies ;  that  if  by  '  the  ancient  landmarks'  Dea 
con  Snipp  meant  those  very  ancient  and  conspicuous  ones 
of  round  shoulders,  and  flat  chests,  and  bankrupt  stomachs, 
and  stiff  joints,  and  inefficient  muscles,  the  sooner  they  were 
{ removed'  the  better ;  and  that,  if  the  laws  of  health  were 
ordained  of  God,  he  did  not  see  why  the  house  of  God  was 
not  exactly  the  place  to  be  used  for  promoting  a  more  gen 
eral  obedience  to  those  laws."  As,  however,  the  use  of  either 
'  church  seemed  sure  to  awaken  great  asperity  of  feeling,  it 
was  decided  to  hold  the  meeting  in  the  schoolhouse,  and  thus 
avoid  complicating  the  plan  by  any  side  issues.  But  Abdiel 
Standish,  who  conceals  beneath  a  rough  exterior  and  a 
Yankee  provincialism  an  unusual  amount  of  good  sense  and 
mother  wit,  and  who  never  looes  an  opportunity  of  worrying 
Deacon  Snipp,  met  that  devout  man  at  the  door  of  the  Post- 
office  a  few  days  after  the  denial  of  his  church,  and  in  the 
presence  of  quite  a  crowd  of  people,  who  expected  to  see 
some  fun,  Abdiel  saluted  him  thus : 

"  I  say,  Deac'n,  why  would  n't  you  Eust  Church  folks  let 
us  have  your  meetin'-house  ?" 

"  We  think,  Abdiel,  that  the  church  of  God  ought  not  to 
be  used  for  a  profane  purpose." 

"  And  do  you  call  it  a  profane  purpus,  the  raisin'  o'  funds 
to  build  a  gymnasium  ?" 

"Most  certainly!" 

"But,  Deac'n,  'spose  the  objiok  of  the  gatherin'  was  to 
raise  funds  to  keep  the  meetin'-house  in  repair ;  would  you 
call  that  a  profane  purpus  ?" 

"  Why,  of  course  not,  Abdiel — what  a  strange  question  I" 


68  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

"Wai,  Deac'n,  ain't  our  bodies,  which  God  made,  jest 
as  sacred  as  the  meetin' -house,  which  man  made  ?  Does  n't 
the  Bible  say  our  bodies  air  l  the  temples  o'  the  Holy  Ghost  ?' 
Now,  Deac'n,  I  should  like  to  know  what  is  a  gymnasium 
but  suthin'  or  other  to  help  keep  the  livin'  '  temples  o'  the 
Holy  Ghost'  in  repair,  to  help  keepin'  on  'em  from  fallin' 
into  decay,  and  becomin'  old  and  rickety  afore  their  time,  and 
unfit  for  the  uses  which  God  'Imighty  intended  'em  fur? 
Ef  you  call  that  a  profane  purpus,  why,  all  I  've  got  to  say, 
Deac'n,  is  that  your  idees  of  profanity  air  'bout  as  much 
mixed  as  the  old  darkey's  idees  o'  prayer  wus  ?" 

"  How  was  that,  Abdiel  ?  I  do  n't  know  what  you  refer 
to." 

"  Wai,  Deac'n,  I  kind  o'  thought  you  did  n't— so  I  '11  tell 
you.  You  see,  Deac'n,  there  wus  a  prayer  meetin'  among 
the  black  folks  somewhere,  and  the  preacher  asked  if  some 
brother  would  n't  lead  in  prayer.  As  is  often  the  case 
in  white  folks'  prayer  meetin's,  there  was  a  long  pause. 
Bymeby,  a  half-witted  fellow,  named  Zeke,  begun  a  string 
o'  words  that  had  n't  no  meanin'  to  'em.  Of  course,  the 
darkey  thought  he  was  a  prayin'  to  the  Lord;  but  man 
could  n't  make  head  or  tail  o'  what  he  wus  sayin',  and  it 
seemed  likely  that  the  Lord  could  n't  neither.  So  the 
preacher  looked  up  and  said,  *  Who  's  dat  prayin'  ?  Dat  you, 
Brudder  Zeke?  Jess  you  hold  on,  Brudder  Zeke;  you  let 
somebody  pray  dat 's  better  acquainted  wid  de  Lord.'  So  I 
say,  Deac'n,  Jess  you  hold  on,  Brudder  Snipp ;  you  let  some 
body  talk  about  profanity  dat 's  better  acquainted  with  what 
profanity  is." 


THE    VILLAGE    MASS    MEETING.  69 

»* 

The  poor  Deacon  made  no  attempt  to  reply ;  for  the  loud 
laughter  of  the  crowd,  that  never  failed  to  appreciate  Abdiel's 
rough  jokes,  would  have  prevented  any  single  voice  from 
being  heard.  So  in  the  general  tumult  of  mirth,  the  Deacon 
beat  a  safe  and  an  orderly  retreat. 

By  seven  o'clock  this  evening  the  schoolhouse  was  crowded, 
as  the  newspaper  writers  would  say,  to  its  utmost  capacity,  by 
a  highly  respectable  audience  of  ladies  and  gentlemen,  all 
eager  to  hear  more  particulars  of  Judge  Fairplay's  plan. 
I  shall  not  attempt  to  relate  minutely  every  thing  that  was 
done,  but  shall  content  myself  with  those  things  that  were  the 
most  interesting  and  decisive.  Judge  Fairplay  was  called  to 
the  chair  ;  and  the  Village  Schoolmaster,  being  usually  cred 
ited  with  the  ability  to  write,  was  made  secretary.  As  I 
could  not  make  a  speech  if  it  were  to  save  my  neck  from  the 
hempen  noose,  I  was  really  glad  to  serve  the  good  cause  with 
the  only  instrument  of  expression  I  can  at  all  command — the 
pen.  On  the  subsidence  of  the  warm  applause  which  greeted 
the  Judge's  appearance  on  the  platform,  he  made  a  little 
speech,  which,  by  the  help  of  phonography  and  a  good  mem 
ory,  I  um  able  to  give  almost  word  for  word;  and  I  think 
every  word  of  it  is  worth  keeping. 

"  MY  FEIENDS — It  is  scarcely  necessary  for  me  to  state  that 
the  object  of  this  meeting  is  to  consider  the  project  of  estab 
lishing  a  gymnasium  in  the  village.  I  have  long  been  of 
the  opinion  that  such  an  institution  was  needed  here ;  indeed, 
I  hold  that  wherever  there  are  people  enough  to  have  a 
church,  a  schoolhouse,  and  a  postoffice,  there  are  people 


70  THE    ATHLETIC    CLVB. 

enough,  to  have  a  gymnasium.  Society  will  never  be  prop 
erly  constituted,  until  it  be  constituted  on  the  basis  of  spirit 
ual  and  physiological  la\v. 

"A  house,  erected  for  human  habitation,  in  which  no  pro 
vision  has  been  made  for  fire  and  for  the  escape  of  smoke,  is 
not  more  certainly  defective  than  that  series  of  houses,  called 
a  village,  in  which  no  provision  has  been  made  for  bodily 
exercise.  In  a  certain  stage  of  social  development  people 
commit  the  former  mistake ;  they  light  fires  on  the  ground 
in  the  middle  of  their  huts,  and  leave  the  smoke  to  escape  as 
best  it  can  by  its  own  ingenuity.  "VVe  look  with  pity  and 
with  wonder  upon  such  poor  people — Hottentots,  Esqui 
maux,  Irish  peasants — and  we  say  that  they  are  in  a  state  of 
barbarism.  By  and  by,  when  mankind  shall  be  properly 
educated  in  natural  laws,  they  will  look  with  a  similar  pity 
and  with  equal  wonder  upon  us  who  have  committed  the 
latter  mistake — who  have  built  a  village  without  building  a 
gymnasium ;  they  will  speak  of  us  as  having  been  in  the 
mere  murky  dawn  of  a  semi-civilized  state ;  as  having  been 
only  just  sufficiently  removed  from  the  condition  of  barba 
rians  to  have  a  vast  conceit  of  our  own  progress,  and  exactly 
far  enough  out  of  the  darkness  to  be  continually  boasting  of 
our  own  light. 

"  The  more  I  reflect  on  the  essential  elements  of  civiliza 
tion  the  more  am  I  impressed  with  the  preposterousness  and 
the  impudence  of  this  Nineteenth  Century  in  ever  pretend 
ing  that  the  Dark  Ages  have  yet  terminated. 

"  They  only  are  civilized  beings  who  know  and  obey  the 
imperial  laws  of  this  complex  life  of  ours — the  laws  of 


THE    VILLAGE    MASS    MEETING.  71 

•* 

spirit,  tlie  laws  of  matter;  and  only  that  village  or  city  is 
within  the  pale  of  civilization  which  recognizes  this  broad 
truth,  and  is  itself  an  apparatus  for  carrying  it  into  effect. 

"In  taking  the  chair  to-night,  it  is  not  my  purpose  to  enter 
at  large  upon  this  subject ;  but  I  thought  it  right  at  the  out 
set  thus  to  state  to  you  my  position.  I  have  lived  among 
yeu  all  my  life.  I  should  like  to  assist  you  in  making  this 
beautiful  and  wealthy  New  England  village  a  civilized  one. 
We  have  churches.  We  have  schools.  We  have  a  library. 
We  have  shops,  stores,  factories,  farms.  What  lack  we  yet  ? 
We  lack  one  essential  factor  of  civilization.  We  have  no 
gymnasium.  That  is  a  disgrace  to  us.  Shall  we  not  con 
spire  together  to-night  to  remove  that  disgrace  ?  Probably 
all  have  heard  something  of  a  plan  on  which  a  few  of  us 
have  been  consulting  together.  Our  object  to-night  is  to 
have  all  consult  together  upon  the  plan.  I  have  asked  my 
friend,  the  Rev.  Mr.  Bland,  to  state  it  to  you. 

"  But  before  I  take  my  seat,  allow  me  to  relate  a  story  out 
of  the  '  Arabian  Nights.'  It  is  one  which  I  came  across  last 
evening  while  reading  The  Spectator.  Addison  tells  it  some 
what  in  this  style :  There  was  an  Oriental  King  who  had 
long  languished  under  a  weak  habit  of  body,  and  had  taken 
an  abundance  of  remedies;  but  all  to  no  purpose.  At 
length,  however,  a  physician  cured  him  by  the  following 
curious  method :  He  took  a  hollow  ball  of  wood,  and,  with  an 
air  of  great  science  and  mystery,  he  filled  it  with  several 
kinds  of  drugs,  after  which  he  closed  it  up  so  artificially  that 
nothing  appeared.  He  likewise  took  a  club  or  bat,  and, 
having  hollowed  the  handle  and  that  part  which  strikes  the 


72  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

-v 

ball,  lie  inclosed  in  it  several  drugs,  in  the  same  manner  as 
in  the  ball  itself.  He  then  ordered  the  Sultan  to  exercise 
himself  with  these  rightly  prepared  instruments  until  such 
time  as  he  s*hould  thoroughly  sweat;  when,  as  the  story 
goes,  the  virtue  of  the  medicaments  perspiring  through  the 
pores  of  the  wood  had  so  good  an  influence  on  his  majesty's 
constitution  that  it  cure"d  him  of  an  indisposition  which  all 
tho  remedies  he  had  taken  inwardly  had  been  quite  unable 
to  remove.  'And  this  Eastern  allegory,' remarks  Addison, 
'  is  finely  contrived  to  show  us  how  important  bodily  labor  is 
to  health,  and  that  exercise  is  often  the  most  effectual  medi 
cine.'  It  is  a  good  many  years  since  I  read  the  '  Arabian 
Nights,'  and  I  do  not  remember  what  the  Sultan  did  for  that 
very  ingenious  and  sensible  doctor.  I  presume,  however, 
that  he  rewarded  him  handsomely,  bestowing  on  him  gifts  of 
honor  and  of  wealth  -worthy  so  great  a  monarch.  But  all 
that  is  essential  in  the  prescription  for  which  the  Sultan  paid 
so  much  we  can  have  for  nothing. 

"  We  have  some  admirable  physicians  among  us ;  and  one 
of  them,  whom  I  have  the  honor  to  number  among  my 
dearest  friends,  we  have  here  to-night.  I  think  we  give  our 
doctors  a  great  deal  too  much  trouble ;  and,  in  my  opinion, 
all  trouble  which  is  avoidable  is  too  much.  We  are  obliged 
to  afflict  the  doctors  grievously  by  running  to  them  so  often, 
or  having  them  run  still  oftener  to  us.  Let  us  relieve  them 
and  ourselves  by  adopting  the  ball-ancl-bat  prescription  of 
the  Oriental  doctor;  and,  after  all,  a  gymnasium  is  but  a 
somewhat  larger,  more  varied,  and  more  elaborate  ball  and 
bat! 


THE    VILLAGE    MASS    MEETING.  73 

"Do  you  not  remember  with  what  energy  John  Dryden 
has  insisted  on  the  value  of  exercise  as  a  means  of  averting 
bodily  weakness  and  disorder  ? 

"  'By  chase  our  long-lived  fathers  earned  their  food — 
Toil  strung  their  nerves  and  purified  their  blood. 
But  we,  their  sons,  a  pampered  race  of  men, 
Are  dwindled  down  to  three-score  years  and  ten. 
Better  to  hunt  in  fields  for  health  unbought 
Than  fee  the  doctor  for  a  nauseous  draught. 
The  wise  for  health  on  exercise  depend, 
God  never  made  his  work  for  man  to  mend.' 

"  Let  us,  my  friends,  in  the  true  spirit  of  wisdom,  and  of 
religion,  recognize  the  truth  of  that  last  couplet.  Let  us,  as 
rational  beings  and  as  Christians,  so  adjust  the  economy  of 
our  lives  to  the  processes  of  universal  law  as  to  avoid  all 
that  suffering  which  comes  from  folly,  and  all  that  dishonor 
upon  the  Maker  of  our  bodies  which  comes  from  the  spectacle 
of  his  workmanship  in  need  of  so  much  mending  at  the  hand 
of  man." 

It  is  the  characteristic  of  Judge  Eairplay's  mind  to  dig 
nify  whatever  subject  he  touches,  by  connecting  it  with  the 
great  general  law  on  which  it  rests.  Nothing  could  have 
fitted  the  needs  of  the  meeting  better  than  that  little  speech, 
For  several  days  past,  many  of  our  villagers  have  been  mak 
ing  themselves  merry  over  the  thought  of  a  gymnasium 
here,  and  have  fired  off  a  good  many  rather  flat  jokes  at  the 
prospect  of  beholding  Judge  Fairplay,  Parson  Bland,  and 
others,  performing  such  pranks  as  they  have  witnessed  in  a 
4 


74  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

traveling  circus.  Of  course,  these  jesters  but  reveal  their 
own  ignorance  of  what  a  proper  gymnasium  is,  and  their 
total  want  of  reflection  as  to  the  connection  between  exercise 
and  health.  Indeed,  I  am  fully  persuaded  that  the  vast 
majority  of  the  American  people  are  still  as  devoid  of  any 
intelligent  conception  of  the  sanitary  bearings  of  muscular 
exercise  as  they  are  of  the  precession  of  the  equinoxes  or 
the  use  of  the  JEolic  digamma.  Accustomed  thus  far,  as  is 
inevitable  in  a  new  country,  to  think  of  bodily  labor  merely 
as  a  means  of  livelihood — merely  as  an  inevitable  incident 
in  chopping  down  trees,  in  plowing  fields,  in  digging  canals, 
in  building  houses,  in  making  horseshoes,  and  cart  wheels, 
and  baby  jumpers — we  have  not  as  yet  had  much  occasion  to 
view  it  as  a  means  of  health.  Before  Judge  Fairplay  spoke 
to-night,  I  thought  I  noticed  on  the  faces  of  many  present  an 
expression  as  of  persons  who  had  come  together  on  a  very 
absurd  errand  indeed.  I  think  his  speech  was  to  some  of 
them  a  new  revelation.  When  he  concluded,  they  had  the 
rare  and  very  peculiar  appearance  of  having  been  struck  by 
an  idea. 

At  this  point,  before  Parson  Bland  could  rise  and  make 
the  statement  which  Judge  Fairplay  had  -requested,  Deacon 
Snipp  sprang  to  his  feet  and  claimed  the  right  to  be  heard. 
The  Deacon  is  a  tall  and  somewhat  lank  gentleman,  with 
false  hair,  false  teeth,  and  a  foxy  smile.  To-night,  however, 
the  smile  had  given  place  to  an  injured  and  lachrymose  look, 
which  betokened  at  once  the  consciousness  of  superior  sanc 
tity,  and  the  expectation  of  almost  immediate  martyrdom  at 
the  hands  of  a  wicked  and  perverse  generation.  His  rising 


TEE    VILLAGE    MASS    MEETING.  75 

was  obviously  an  offense  to  the  larger  portion  of  the  assem 
bly.  An  ominous  sound,  as  of  mingled  heel-taps  and  hisses, 
came  from  the  back  of  the  room ;  but,  at  one  look  from  the 
chairman,  silence  was  restored. 

The  Deacon  said  "  that  he  had  risen  from  a  sense  of  duty 
to  his  Master,  and  the  cause  of  religion  and  good  morals,  to 
protest  against  the  object  contemplated.  A  gymnasium 
would  be  an  encouragement  to  all  manner  of  gayety,  frivol 
ity,  and  dissipation.  He  regretted  to  see  so  respectable  a 
gentleman  as  Judge  Fairplay  lending  his  support  to  such  a 
project.  And  it  grieved  him  to  see  a  minister  of  the  meek 
and  lowly  Jesus" — at  this  favorite  phrase  of  the  Deacon, 
which  upon  his  lips  sounds  like  absolute  cant,  and  which  the 
people  have  heard  from  him  to  the  point  of  nausea,  outcries 
and  stamping  resounded  from  all  parts  of  the  room,  and  com 
pletely  silenced  the  Deacon's  croaking  tones.  Judge  Fairplay 
rose  and  beckoned  for  silence,  and  then  administered  to  the 
meeting  a  stern  rebuke  for  its  discourtesy  and  indecorum. 
He  told  them  that  "  the  object  of  the  meeting  was  free  dis 
cussion  ;  nothing  would  be  gained  by  trying  to  choke  down 
opposition ;  they  ought  to  listen  patiently  to  every  objection, 
and  treat  it  with  a  refutation,  if  possible — never  with 
senseless  clamor."  He  then  called  on  Deacon  Snipp  to 
proceed. 

The  Deacon,  who  had  remained  standing  during  the  tumult, 
and  would  have  made  an  admirable  model  for  "  Patience  on 
a  monument,  smiling  at  Grief,"  now  resumed :  "  He  would 
not  occupy  their  time  much  longer  (cheers  from  all  parts  of 
the  house) ;  he  had  risen  merely  to  enter  his  protest  as  an 


76  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 


officer  in  Zion  ;  lie  had  meant,  when  interrupted,  to  express 
his  sorrow  that  a  minister  of  the  Gospel  should  lend  his 
support  to  so  dangerous  a  doctrine.  It  was  a  sad  day  for 
Zion,  when  ministers  were  engaged  in  leading  the  young 
into  temptation.  If  this  gymnasium  should  be  established, 
it  would  open  the  way  for  dancing,  card  playing,  billiards, 
and  croquet.  (Loud  laughter.)  They  might  laugh  ;  but  he 
trusted  he  should  have  grace  given  him  to  endure  the 
laughter  as  well  as  the  frowns  of  a  sinful  world.  He 
would  now  sit  down."  (Vehement  cheering  at  the  last 
statement.) 

Mr.  Bland  now  came  forward.  No  contrast  could  be 
greater  than  that  between  him  and  Deacon  Snipp.  Each 
represents  a  type  of  religious  character.  The  Deacon  repre 
sents  the  ever-enduring  Pharisee  type  —  narrow,  morose, 
ceremonious,  self-complacent.  Such  as  he  will  walk  five 
miles  to  a  prayer-meeting,  but  will  not  cross  the  road  to  save 
the  poor  man  who  lies  stripped  and  bleeding  at  the  hands  of 
thieves;  they  are  so  much  occupied  in  giving  mint,  anise, 
and  cumin  to  the  Lord,  that  they  have  not  time  to  throw  a 
crust  of  bread  to  the  beggar  starving  at  their  gate  ;  they 
seem  to  think  Christians  are  to  be  not  messengers  of  sweet 
ness  and  gladness  in  a  world  already  too  full  of  gloom,  but 
so  many  two-legged  vinegar  cruets  to  spill  over  upon  the 
sports  of  childhood  and  the  joy  of  life.  As  for  Mr.  Bland  — 
he  is  what  the  Brawnville  people  have  named  him  ;  he  is 
"  Sunshine."  The  very  objections  which  Deacon  Snipp  and 
liis  sort  urge  against  Mr.  Bland  would  apply  with  equal 
force  against  the  light  of  God's  sun.  If  the  former  gives  a 


TEE    VILLAGE    MASS  ^MEETING.  77 

cheerful  view  of  God  and  nature,  so  does  the  latter ;  if  Mr. 
Bland  chases  away  darkness,  depression,  sorrow,  and  pain,  so 
does  the  sun;  if  he  is  heterodox,  so  is  it!  I  wonder,  by  the 
bye,  why  the  Pharisees  do  not  call  an  ecclesiastical  convention 
and  excommunicate  this  same  sun !  Certainly,  they  have  no 
greater  foe  extant.  Parson  Bland  began  by  saying  that 
"ho,  too,  rose  as  an  officer  in  Zion,  not,  however,  to  oppose 
the  plan  of  a  gymnasium,  but  to  say  'Godspeed'  to  it. 
Surely,  he  who  was  reverently  addressed  as  the  Great  Physi 
cian,  and  who  when  upon  earth  passed  so  much  of  his  lifa 
in  healing  the  diseases  of  mankind,  would  approve  of  every 
device  for  averting  bodily  weakness;  there  was  in  a  well- 
conducted  gymnasium  nothing  unfavorable  to  religion  and 
good  morals,  to  piety,  purity,  or  charity."  Mr.  Bland  then 
unfolded  the  project  of  an  Athletic  Club ;  exhibited  the 
plans  of  the  architect ;  told  the  people  of  Judge  Fairplay's 
gift  of  ground  for  the  site  and  of  half  the  cost  of  the  build 
ing,  and  concluded  by  moving  a  series  of  resolutions  express 
ing  gratitude  to  Judge  Fairplay,  and  calling  for  the  nomina 
tion  of  an  Executive  Committee  of  twelve — six  ladies  and 
six  gentlemen — to  take  such  further  measures  as  the  case 
required. 

Deacon  Watson  of  the  First  Church,  the  colleague  of  the 
venerable  Snipp,  rose  to  second  the  motion  of  Mr.  Bland  for 
the  adoption  of  the  resolutions.  He  said  that  "as  an  officer 
in  the  same  church  with  Deacon  Snipp,  as  a  follower  of  the 
same  Master,  as  a  believer  in  the  same  faith,  he  was  anxious 
to  show  by  this  act  that  there  was  no  necessary  collection 
between  orthodoxy  and  antipathy  to  gymnastics;  that  he 


78  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

could  not  help  regarding  his  colleague's  allusion  to  Mr. 
Bland  as  unjust ;  that  Mr.  Bland  did  indeed  lead  young  men 
into  temptation,  but  it  was  the  same  kind  of  temptation  as 
that  practiced  by  Whitefield,  of  whom  a  person  once  said : 
'He  was  so  cheerful  that  he  actually  tempted  me  to  be  a 
Christian;'  finally,  he  did  not  think  it  was  incumbent  on 
those  who  were  zealous  for  Zion  to  be  jealous  of  innocent 
pleasures  and  diversions." 

I  had  noticed  for  some  minutes  that  our  Platonic  brother, 
Dr.  Drugger,  was  getting  ready  to  speak.  Of  course,  the 
Doctor,  as  a  man  of  culture  and  of  really  fine  feeling,  would 
oppose  the  scheme  in  a  very  different  manner  from  that  so 
natural  to  Deacon  Snipp.  The  latter  utters  the  objections  of 
religious  bigotry — of  ignorance  and  intolerance  couching 
under  the  shield  of  piety.  The  former  presents  the  objec 
tions  of  medical  bigotry — of  personal  narrowness  and  pro 
fessional  conservatism  veiled  beneath  the  mantle  of  science. 

The  Doctor  said  that  "  it  must  be  evident  that  the  plan  of 
an  Athletic  Club  wa§  already  cLetermined  on,  and  that  oppo 
sition  would  be  quite  unavailing ;  it  was,  however,  none  the 
less  his  duty  to  express  the  stern  objection  which  he,  as  a 
man  of  science,  had  to  gymnastics.  Ages  ago,  Galen,  one  of 
the  fathers  of  medical  science,  had  passed  condemnation 
upon  gymnastics.  That  great  physician  had  called  the  art 
K.aK.QTt'xyiav  OVO\IO/TI  GepvG).  (Laughter  and  ironical  cheers.) 
He  hoped  they  \vould  excuse  him  for  introducing  a  Greek 
quotation;  and  he  would  now  give  them  the  translation, 
which  was,  that  the  gymnastic  art  is  'a  contemptible  art, 
smuggled  under  a  venerable  name.1  For  his  own  part,  he 


THE     VILLAGE    MASS    MEETING.  79 

did  not  object  to  a  little  moderate  exercise ;  but  the  ordinary 
vocations 'of  life  gave  them  that  in  sufficient  quantity.  He 
decidedly  sympathized  with  Sir  Walter  Scott's  friend,  Plum- 
mer,  who  used  to  say  to  the  great  novelist  that  '  a  walk  from 
the  parlor  to  the  garden  once  a  day  was  exercise  enough  for 
any  rational  being,  and  that  nobody  but  a  fool  or  a  fox- 
hunter  would  take  more.7  (Laughter.)  The  common  prac 
tice  of  gymnastics  ignored  a  great  physiological  fact — that 
there  are  in  the  body  two  distinct  forces,  the  muscular  and 
the  vital,  and  that  the  former  may  be  cultivated  at  the 
expense  of  the  latter.  Men  often  become  strong  outwardly 
and  weak  inwardly.  Suppose  they  should  produce  an  enor 
mous  shell  of  muscle ;  it  would  not  necessarily  make  them 
healthy.  It  might  rather  make  them  diseased,  by  drawing 
away  to  the  surface  the  life  and  power  of  the  great  vital 
organs  within.  It  was  notorious  that  acrobats,  pugilists, 
rope-dancers,  gymnasts,  and  other  mountebanks  (laughter,) 
were  a  short-lived  race.  In  certain  districts  of  Germany, 
where  gymnastics  have  been  thoroughly  disseminated  for  a 
long  period,  medical  statistics  report  a  frightful  prevalence  of 
heart  disease.  (Sensation.)  There  was  another  view  of  the 
case  which  he  would  suggest  to  parents — the  great  danger  of 
accidents  to  their  children.  Sprains  which  are  carried 
through  life,  the  fracture  of  arms,  legs,  ribs,  these  are  com 
mon  occurrences  in  gymnasia;  and  scarcely  a  year  passes 
without  the  announcement  of  some  one  being  killed  in  gym 
nastic  performances.  (Sensation.)  He  noticed  not  very  long 
ago  the  account  of  a  little  boy  in  a  "Western  gymnasium  who 
got  caught  among  the  ropes,  and  was  found  dangling  there 


80  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

by  the  neck,  twenty  feet  from  the  fioor — hung  like  a  male 
factor!  (Sensation  of  horror  among  the  ladies.)  He 
objected  to  the  new  movement  in  America  toward  gymnas 
tics  because  it  was  a  mania.  Americans  seem  to  have  some 
pet  mania  on  the  carpet  all  the  while ;  one  day  it  would  be 
silk-worms,  then  copper  stock,  then  gold  digging,  then 
Shanghai  chickens;  and  now  it  is  gymnastics!  (Laughter.) 
He  supposed  that  this  insensate  gymnastic  mania,  like  all  the 
others,  must  have  its  course ;  but  it  was  the  duty  of  those 
who  could  keep  their  wits  together  during  this  epidemic  of 
madness  to  do  so !"  (Cheers  and  laughter.) 

There  was  just  enough  of  cool,  slashing  oratorical  surgery 
about  this  speech  to  make  it  very  effective.  While  the  Doc 
tor  was  speaking,  Deacon  Snipp  sat  in  a  sort  of  rapture,  both 
astonished  and  delighted  at  so  unexpected  an  auxiliary ;  and 
as  soon  as  the  Doctor  had  ended,  the  Deacon  gained  the 
floor. 

After  profuse  compliments  to  Dr.  Drugger,  he  said  that 
"  he  felt  strengthened  to  rise  once  more  'and  urge  upon  his 
fellow-townsmen  to  beware  of  what  they  were  doing.  They 
all  appreciated  the  munificence  of  Judge  Fairplay ;  but  the 
money  would  be  much  better  bestowed  if  sent  to  convert  the 
poor,  perishing  heathen  in  Africa.  He  discovered  in  this 
gymnastic  movement — or  mania,  as  Dr.  Dr agger  properly 
called  it — only  another  token  of  the  shocking  impiety,  irrev 
erence  and  materialism  now  overrunning  the  age.  People 
were  beginning  to  talk  in  a  most  presumptuous  manner  about 
being  able  to  control  the  mysterious  springs  of  health.  Not 
so  did  the  ancients  believe.  No;  they  used  to  accept  sick- 


THE    VILLAGE    M AS 8    MEETING.  81 

ness  as  a  providential  dispensation  and  a  means  of  grace. 
He  would  illustrate  what  he  meant  by  an  incident  in  his  own 
experience.  He  was  once  ill.  A  Christian  brother  called  to 
comfort  him,  and  said :  '  What  a  pity,  Brother  Snipp,  that  you 
are  ill.'  (Laughter.)  To  which  his  reply  was  :  *  No,  nothing 
is  a  pity  which  God  sends  upon  us.  Do  n't  you  believe  in 
fore-ordination?'  (Laughter.)  That,  he  respectfully  sub 
mitted  was  the  true  spirit  of  the  Gospel — resigcation  to 
the  ills  of  life  ;  and  not  this  unseemly  and  rebellious 
talk  about  being  able  to  resist  the  allotments  of  ill  health." 
After  many  warnings  to  them  in  the  name  of  "piety," 
"religion,"  and  "the  interests  of  Zion,"  the  Deacon  resumed 
his  seat. 

Every  eye  now  twinkled  as  Abdiel  Standish — the  Yankee 
Nemesis  of  Deacon  Snipp — stood  up  to  speak. 

"  I  hope,  my  friends,  that  I  ain't  wholly  indifferent  to  the 
subjick  of  piety  in  the  land;  but  the  speech  what  we  've  just 
heerd  'minds  me  of  a  bit  o'  po'try  my  leetle  boy  read  to  me 
t'  other  night  out  of  his  last  library  book.  It 's  writ  by  a 
chap  over  to  England  which  they  call  Tom  Hood.  It  goes 
suthin'  like  this : 

"  '  A  man  may  cry  church,  church,  at  every  word, 

With  no  more  piety  than  other  people ; 
A  daw  's  not  reckoned  a  religious  bird 

Because  he  keeps  a  cawing  from  the  steeple.' 

"  Now  I  rec'mend  that  leetle  hymn  to  my  friend  the  Dea- 
c'n.     I  hope  he  '11  meditate  onto  it  when  he  goes  hum  to 
night.     He  has  a  good  '1  more  to  say  'bout  piety  than  most 
4* 


82  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

folks ;   perhaps  that  don't   'xactly  prove  lie  's  got  so  much 
more.     (Laughter  and  cheers.) 

"  He  tells  us  that  the  ancient  saints  used  to  'xcept  sickness 
as  providential ;  and  he  's  told  us  a  bit  o'  his  own  hist'ry  to 
show  that  there  's  one  ancient  saint  still  a  livin'  in  the  airth. 
He  seems  to  think  it 's  agin  the  will  o'  providence  to  try  to 
stave  off  disease.  Wai,  that 's  'bout  like  some  Scotch  folks 
onct,  that  wus  so  pious,  when  fannin'  mills  wus  fust  intro- 
dooced,  that  they  denounced  the  machines  as  atheistikil. 
They  said  fannin'  mills  was  gittin'  up  a  breeze  when  the 
Almighty  willed  to  hev  a  calm.  (Great  laughter.)  So  I 
s'pose  the  good  Deac'n  here  thinks  that  gymnasiums  are 
atheistikil  for  the  same  reason ;  they  is  fur  gittin'  up  a  good 
digestion  when  the  Almighty  wills  to  hev  a  stumick-ache. 
(Roars  of  laughter  and  loud  cheers.)  Now  I  respeckfully 
eay  to  the  good  Deac'n  that,  in  my  humble  opinion,  when  he 
tells  us  that  diseases  is  sent  onto  us  by  the  Lord,  he's  just 
slanderin'  and  blasphemin'  the  Lord.  I  do  n't  b'lieve  no 
sich  doctrine.  I  b'lieve  when  God  'Irnighty  made  our  bodies 
he  knowed  what  he  was  about ;  he  made  'em  Al,  fuss  rate 
machines,  to  go  and  b'have  'emselves,  ef  we  'd  only  treat  'em 
well ;  and  ef  the  machines  git  out  o'  order,  through  our  own 
selfishness,  or  willful  ign'rance,  or  sin,  that 's  our  fault,  not 
his'n.  (Cheers.)  I  do  n't  b'lieve  it 's  the  will  o'  God  that 
his  young  'uns  here  on  the  airth  should  suffer  so.  I  b'lieve 
all  these  sufferings  come,  not  by  the  will  o'  God,  but  the  will 
o'  the  Devil  and  the  sin  o'  man.  Diseases  sent  on  us  by 
God  ?  Why,  it 's  porfeckly  shockin' !  No,  they  comes  from 
dirt,  and  laziness,  and  bad  air,  and  bad  ancisters,  and  food 


THE    VILLAGE    MASS    MEETING.  83 

** 

that  is  jest  heathenish,  and  whisky,  and  other  pizins  o'  one 
kind  and  another !  (Cheers.) 

11  Deac'n  Snipp  says,  let  this  money  be  given  to  the  poor 
heathen.  Wai,  I  remember  a  readin'  in  a  sartin  blessed  old 
book  I  hev  to  hum,  that  when  the  woman  came  to  Jesus, 
havin'  an  alabaster  box  o'  precious  ointment,  and  paid  her 
'omage  to  him  by  pourin'  of  it  upon  his  head,  his  disciples 
1  had  indignation,'  and  said,  'this  ointment  might  have  been 
sold  for  so  much  and  given  to  the  poor.'  So  it 's  very  con 
venient  for  folks  nowadays,  when  there  's  a  Messiah  to  be 
honored  and  obeyed  in  our  own  hearts  and  lives,  to  say  why 
ain't  this  here  money  given  to  the  heathen  ? 

"  Ez  fur  Dr.  Drugger,  I  've  got  a  few  words  to  say  to  him. 
He  's  made  a  very  lamed  speech  to  us  to-night ;  he  's  talked 
a  leetle  Greek  to  us ;  and  then,  as  he  knew  we  wus  a  crowd 
of  ignoramuses,  he  's  translated  it  for  us ;  and  he  told  us 
't  was  suthin'  said  by  an  old  chap  named  Galen,  who  he  calls 
one  o'  the  old  fathers  o'  medikil  science ;  but,  ef  that 's  a 
specimen  o'  what  he  knew,  I  should  think  he  was  one  o'  the 
old  grannies  o'  medikil  science.  Wai,  I  do  n't  know  as  I  can 
blame  the  Doctor  much  for  his  opinions.  I  s'pose  ef  I  was 
a  doctor  I  should  want  to  hev  lots  o'  business,  and  should 
look  onto  the  buildin'  of  a  gymnasium  with  great  alarm. 
Do  n't  that  great  poet,  Mr.  Shakspeare,  somewhere  say 
suthin'  'bout  '  Othello's  occupation  's  gone  ?'  Ef  we  git 
gymnasiums  all  about,  I  s'pose  the  doctors  will  be  very 
much  in  the  fix  that  Othello  was.  That 's  prob'ly  what 's 
the  matter  with  'em."  (Great  laughter  and  applause.) 

This  speech  carried  the  night.    The  motion  for  the  adop- 


84  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

tion  of  the  resolutions  was  put  to  the  meeting  by  the  Secre 
tary  and  carried  by  an  immense  majority,  and  the  Executive 
Committee  of  twelve  were  appointed  on  the  spot. 

So  ends  our  village  meeting.  It  seems  to  me  the  greatest 
event  that  ever  happened  in  Brawnville.  The  good  cause 
speeds  on ! 


HOW  GEEAT  TEUTHS  LIVE  IN  GEEAT  HOUSES, 
AND  NEED  CONSIDEEABLE  CASH. 

BRAWNVILLE,  June  19,  1866. 

AH  me !  What  a  chasm  since  my  last  entry  in  this  history 
of  our  immortal  Club!  Not  one  word  since  last 
November !  And  the  worst  of  it  is  I  have  no  excuse  to  offer 
that  any  reasonable  mortal  would  accept;  unless  it  be  the 
excuse  which  Gibbon  once  gave  to  a  friend  for  delinquency 
as  a  correspondent:  "I  have  been  sorely  afflicted  with 
gout  in  the  hand,  to  wit — laziness."  I  could  also  plead  that 
my  affliction  has  been  greater  than  Gibbon's;  for  I  have 
had  that  particular  sort  of  gout  not  merely  in  the  hand,  but 
all  over ! 

This  inaction  of  mine  has  been  all  the  more  ignominious 
because  events  of  the  very  first  importance  in  the  life  of  the 
Club  have  in  the  mean  time  taken  place.  For  example : 
what  event  in  the  life  of  clubs  or  of  men  can  be  of  greater 
importance,  or  of  more  precarious  fortune,  than  getting 
born  ?  Well,  since  I  last  wrote,  our  Club  has  had  that  expe 
rience.  It  has  actually  been  and  gone,  and  got  born!  ' 
It  is!  During  any  day  of  the  past  uvo -months  it  could  have 

(85) 


86  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB.* 

said,  in  the  eloquent  language  of  Horace  and  of  Dr.  Arnold, 
"Pwri." 

It  lias  just  occurred  to  me  that  the  biography  of  this  Club 
proves  not  unlike  the  biography  of  Tristram  Shandy,  a  con 
siderable  portion  of  which  is  occupied  in  relating  the  history 
of  that  wonderful  individual  before  he  was  born — a  stage  of 
human  existence  which  people  who  write  Lives  do  indeed 
seldom  take  notice  of,  but  which,  if  accurately  described, 
would  explain  many  a  curious  mystery  in  all  the  succeeding 
stages.  So  far  as  I  can  at  present  remember,  Lawrence 
Sterne  and  myself  are  about  the  only  biographers  that 
deserve  to  be  called  philosophers,  for  we  went  about  the 
business  of  life-telling  as  if  we  knew  what  was  what.  We 
have  had  the  good  sense  to  recount  the  various  careers  of 
our  heroes  before  they  came  into  iife  ! 

Let  me  see.  You  remember — [by  the  way,  who  is  "you?" 
How  odd  that  I  should  say  "you"  in  a  lot  of  chit-chat 
written  down  for  my  own  amusement.  I  suppose  it  is 
because  I  am  a  schoolmaster,  and  am  so  much  accustomed  to 
explain  every. thing  to  ray  pupils  in  that  form  of  speech. 
So  even  when  I  am  talking  to  myself  I  say  "you"  merely 
from  force  of  habit ;  just  as  the  fish-women  near  Edinburgh, 
whom  Sir  Walter  Scott  tells  of,  go  to  church  on  Sundays 
with  their  creela  new  washed  and  a  few  stones  in  them  for 
ballast,  simply  because  they  can  not  walk  steadily  without 
their  usual  load.  So  I  shall  stick  to  my  pedagogic  privilege 
of  having  my  own  way,  and  shall  talk  to  myself  as  if  I  were 
my  own  pupil] — you  remember  that  tremendous  mass  meet 
ing  our  villagers  had  last  November ;  how  Judge  Fairplay 


HOW    GREAT    TKUTHS    LIVE.  87 

made  a  noble  speech,  on  Gymnastics;  how  Deacon  Snipp 
tried  to  frighten  the  Nineteenth  Century  into  believing  that 
going  to  a  gymnasium  was  one  of  the  seven  deadly  sins, 
because  it  would  surely  lead  to  dancing,  billiards,  ten-pins, 
croquet,  and  other  abominations,  and  how,  on  the  whole,  the 
pious  Deacon  rather  put  his  foot  into  it ;  how  Parson  Bland 
threw  some  light  upon  the  subject,  as  was  to  be  expected 
from  one  whose  local  name  is  "Sunshine ;"  how  Dr.  Drugger 
practiced  on  our  gymnastic  project  with  some  very  clever 
surgery,  and,  indeed,  came  very  near  cutting  its  head  quite 
off;  how  the  comical  Abdiel  Standish,  with  his  quaint 
Yankee  vernacular  and  his  pugnacious  jokes,  turned  the 
tables  on  both  Doctor  and  Deacon,  and  covered  them  and 
their  objections  with  the  laughter  of  the  town;  and,  finally, 
how  the  vote  for  establishing  an  Athletic  Club  in  Brawnville 
passed  by  a  great  majority,  and  the  Executive  Committee 
was  appointed,  consisting  of  six  ladies  and  six  gentlemen,  to 
raise  the  sum  necessary  in  addition  to  Judge  Fairplay's  gift. 

The  Committee  discharged  their  duties  and  had  a  report 
ready  in  an  incredibly  short  time,  thus  rebutting  the  opiniom 
which  Mr.  Spurgeon  entertained  of  the  dilatory  habits  of 
committees  in  general,  when  he  said:  "Why,  my  brethren, 
if  the  Lord  had  put  the  building  of  the  Ark  into  the  hands 
of  a  committee,  it-would  not  have  been  finished  yet!" 

It  must  be  confessed,  however,  that  our  Gymnasium  Com 
mittee  have   had  an  easy  task.     In  fact,    their   office   was 
almost  a  sinecure.     So  great  was  the  enthusiasm  generated' 
by  our  mass  meeting  that  the  people,  without  waiting  to  be 
solicited,  came  to  the  Committee  and  offered  their  subscrip- 


88  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

tions ;  *.  and  within  three  days  after  tlie  meeting  the  whole 
amount  was  raised. 

As  an  attic  philosopher — looting  out  from  my  uppermost 
story  window  upon  this  little  world  of  Brawnviile,  and 
knowing  the  rest  of  the  universe  only  by  report — often  have 
I  been  struck  with  the  extraordinary  power  of  cash  in 
producing  intellectual  conviction.  We  Anglo-Saxons  are  not 
much  addicted  to  idealizing ;  and  we  do  not  begin  to  have 
faith  that  a  truth  is  a  truth  till  we  see  somebody  willing  to 
put  down  the  solid  money  in  support  of  it.  The  most  effect 
ual  plank  in  any  platform,  political  or  religious,  is  the  one 
which  holds  the  dollar  on  it.  There  appears  to  be  no  logic 
like  the  logic  of  a  check  on  the  bank.  I  have  heard  that 
when,  twenty-five  years  ago,  Cobden  and  Bright  were  pour 
ing  forth  all  their  resources  of  argument  and  eloquence  to 
induce  the  English  people  to  go  against  the  Corn  Laws,  they 
and  their  party  were  treated  with  ineffable  scorn  by  the 
august  London  Times.  One  night  it  was  announced  that 
some  members  of  the  Anti-Corn  Law  League  had  got  to 
gether  at  Manchester,  and  had  subscribed  fifty  thousand 
pounds  sterling  for  the  cause.  Instantly  that  cause  became 

*  I  sincerely  trust  that  this  rather  startling  statement  of  the  School 
master's  will  not  prove  too  large  for  the  faith  of  any  reader.  I  have 
abundant  evidence  that  it  is  literally  true.  But  what  a  model  town 
Brawnviile  must  he !  Only  to  he  compared  with  that  other  New 
England  village  where  the  people  are  so  lender-hearted  that  they  will 
not  allow  a  skiff  to  shoot  the  mill-dam,  or  any  musician  to  heat  time ; 
and  where,  when  the  day  hreaks,  the  people  all  turn  out  from  sympathy 
and  help  it  gather  up  the  pieces. — ED. 


HOW    GEE  AT    TRUTHS    LIVE. 


respectable.  And  the  next  morning  the  Thunderer  came 
cut  with  this  proclamation :  "  The  Anti-Corn  Law  is  a  great 
fact!" 

Ah !  a  great  fact !  That  is  what  we  idol- worshiping  mor 
tals  want.  Do  not  talk  to  us  about  any  of  your  beautiful 
ideals !  Do  not  waste  your  breath  in  reciting,  in  our  hear 
ing,  the  lovely  prophecies  of  the  mystics !  Do  not  think  to 
gain  our  attention  by  any  amount  of  eloquent  chatter  con 
cerning  the  might  bo  or  the  ought  to  ce!  Tell  us  what  is! 
Give  us  great  facts ;  and,  remember,  no  fact  is  a  great 
one  till  it  is  planted  on  a  circular  piece  of  the  precious 
metals ! 

For  my  part,  I  am  unler  the  impression  that  if  Methuse 
lah  had  come  to  Brawnville  when  he  was  a  small  boy,  and 
had  devoted  himself  exclusively  to  preaching  Gymnastics  till 
he  had  taken  upon  his  venerable  shoulders  every  atom  of 
that  huge  load  of  "  nine  hundred  and  sixty  and  nine  years," 
the  mass  of  our  people  would  have  still  remained  deaf  to 
what  he  had  to  say,  unless  he  could  have  induced  somebody 
to  incorporate  the  subject  in  an  appreciable  modicum  of 
legal-tender  currency. 

It  is  positively  astonishing,  the  effect  already  wrought 
among  us  by  the  announcement  that  a  particular  number  of 
thousands  of  dollars  had  been  given  in  Brawnville  in  attesta 
tion  of  somebody's  belief  in  Gymnastics.  Only  just  now, 
and  the  cause  of  Gymnastics  was  a  fancy— the  mad  scheme 
of  a  few  enthusiasts.  In  eighty  hours  it  becomes  that  digni 
fied,  that  irresistible  thing — "  a  great  fact !" 

I  almost  expect  to  hear  that  Deacon  Snipp  will  give  in  his 


90  TRE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

adhesion ;  for  what  is  Phariseeism  but  the  worship  of  "great 
facts?" 

Judge  Fairplay  proved  himself  the  wise  man  we  all 
thought  him  by  foreseeing  that  the  best  preacher  of  sani 
tary  truths  we  could  have  here  would  be  a  preacher  some 
four  stories  high,  made  of  brick,  and  silently  proclaiming 
those  truths  from  its  roof  top  to  every  passenger  along  the 
streets. 

Let  me  go  back  a  moment  just  to  say  that  we  did  not  wait 
for  our  Club  House  to  be  erected  before  we  commenced  the 
work  of  the  Club.  As  soon  as  the  Executive  Committee 
reported  that  the  funds  for  the  building  were  subscribed,  we 
regularly  organized  the  Club — appointing  Judge  Fairplay 
President,  having  several  Vice  Presidents,  and,  besides  the 
Executive  Committee,  a  Board  of  Trustees.  I,  the  Village 
Schoolmaster,  was  appointed  to  the  scribbling  department — 
that  is,  I  was  made  Secretary.  We  engaged  a  large  room 
over  one  of  the  stores;  obtained  a  graduate  of  Dr.  Lewis's 
Normal  School  as  a  teacher ;  formed  classes  for  grown  folks 
as  well  as  for  children,  and  thus  set  to  work.  We  have  also 
held  weekly  literary  and  social  meetings  of  the  Club,  which 
have  been  very  beneficial.  We  have  had  at  our  meetings 
essays,  poems,  and  extemporaneous  discussions  on  health 
topics,  as  well  as  two  or  three  lectures  from  local  celebrities ; 
and  next  winter  we  intend  to  invite  lecturers  from  beyond 
our  horizon.  Under  the  wise  and  stimulating  chairmanship 
of  Judge  Fairplay,  the  meetings  of  the  Club  are  rapidly 
becoming  a  means  of  education,  liberality,  and  health  to  thia 
community. 


HOW    GREAT    TRUTHS    LIVE.  91 

I  will  now  try  to  give  some  slight  description  of  our  brick 
preacher  of  Gymnastics.  First  of  all,  its  name.  We  de 
cided  not  to  call  it  a  Gymnasium.  That  word  has  been  so 
grossly  misapplied  in  modern  times,  that  it  would  convey  no 
just  idea  of  the  versatile  character  of  our  institution,  which, 
in  directing  attention  to  physical  improvement,  does  not  in 
tend  to  ignore  moral  and  intellectual  improvement  too  We 
think  that  a  fatal  mistake  has  been  made  in  these  latter  days 
by  limiting  the  gymnasium  to  the  single  task  of  cultivating 
muscle,  thus  depriving  that  very  important  function  of  the 
dignity,  and  of  the  manifold  sources  of  interest,  which  really 
attach  to  it  when  connected  with  the  culture  of  the  total 
manhood  of  the  gymnast.  God  has  not  isolated  the  physical 
nature  from  the  intellectual  and  moral  faculties.  Why 
should  man?  Whatever  in  the  universe  is  partial,  is  also 
false,  and  therefore  disastrous  !  We  discard,  then,  the 
abused  and  degraded  word  Gymnasium. 

What  have  we  in  its  place? 

On  a  smooth  marble  slab,  inserted  high  up  on  the  facade 
of  our  edifice  is  this  inscription,  which  answers  the  question : 

******************************************************** 
BRAWNVILLE 

ATHLETIC    CLUB   HOUSE.  .| 

ERECTED      1866. 

I  —  ! 

$       So  GOD  created  Man  in  his  OTTO  image. — Gen.  i.  27.        * 
************************************************************ 

I  suppose  that  every  man,  woman,  and  child  in  the  village 


92  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

has  paused  again  and  again  before  tho  building,  and  gazed 
upon  this  inscription  long  enougli  to  have  deciphered  an 
Egyptian  hieroglyph — pondering  the  mighty  sermon  sug 
gested  by  that  text  of  Scrip  cure  so  significantly  petrified  into 
its  context.  It  has  been  amusing,  also,  to  watch  the  farmers 
who,  for  purposes  of  trade,  come  to  the  village  in  their  wag 
ons  from  many  miles  around.  As  they  drive  through  Main 
Street,  and  reach  the  point  opposite  the  Club  House,  they  in 
variably  shout  "Whoa !"  and,  as  if  some  great  affair  of  state 
was  to  be  considered,  they  sit,  solemnly  studying  the  whole 
structure,  perusing  with  especial  gravity  the  inscription  on 
its  brow,  and  often  holding  serious,  though  sometimes  alco 
serio-comic,  conversations  with  each  other,  or  with  the  villa 
gers,  as  to  the  probable  nature  of  the  building  and  the  im 
port  of  that  venerable  text.  I  had  myself,  the  other  day,  a 
rather  funny  experience  with  one  of  these  farmers.  As  I 
was  passing  near  the  wonderful  house,  I  heard  some  one 
shout  repeatedly  :  "  Hello,  Cap'n !"  but  having  myself  never 
enjoyed  any  military  honors,  I  did  not  suppose  that  this  salu 
tation  could  be  meant  for  me.  Looking  around,  however,  I 
discovered  that  I  was  indeed  the  object  of  it ;  the  old  farmer 
who  was  desirous  of  speaking  with  me  evidently  granting 
the  title  of  captain  by  brevet,  as  a  means  of  conciliation. 
I  turned  to  hear  what  he  had  to  say. 

"  Hello,  Cap'n !"  he  again  shouted,  though  I  stood  waiting 
to  hear.  He  evidently  wished  to  assure  himself  that  I  had 
the  gift  of  articulate  speech  before  he  should  commit  him 
self  further. 

"  Well?"  said  I,  interrogatively. 


HOW    GEEAT    TRUTHS    LIVE. 


11  Look-a-here,  Cap'n,  what 's  that  air  shantee  fur — a  meet- 
in'-house  ?" 

"Yes ;  that  is,  it  is  a  house  for  meetings — meetings  of  the 
Athletic  Club." 

11  What  'n  thunder 's  that — a  new  religion  ?" 

"  No,  not  exactly ;  though  some  people  do  call  the  mem 
bers  Muscular  Christians." 

"  Musc'lar  Christians,  eh?  Why,  them 's  Brigham  Young's 
fellers — ain  't  they?  them  's  Mormons,  I  s'pose." 

"  Oh  no,  no ;  not  by  any  means.  The  Mormons  propose  to 
give  men  more  wives;  the  Muscular  Christians  propose  to 
give  them  more  health." 

"Is  that  all  the  diff'rence,  Cap'n?" 

"  No,  not  ail ;  still  it  includes  a  good  many  points." 

"Naow,  look-a-here,  Cap'n  1"  said  he,  with  a  ludicrously 
suspicious  look,  "dew  yeu  take  me  for  sich  a  'tarnal  green 
horn  that  yeu  think  yeu  can  make  me  swaller  that  air  yarn  ? 
Naow,  tell  me,  Cap'n — honest — ain't  that  air  shantee  a 
Mormon  meetin'-house  ?  'Cause  I  heerd,  down  our  way, 
that  Mormonism  had  lately  busted  out  here  in  Brawnville, 
and  that  Judge  Fairplay  had  got  took  with  it,  and  Parson 
Bland,  too,  and  lots  o'  other  decent  folks,  and  that  there 
was  nobody  left  to  fight  it  'cept  Dr.  Drugger  and  Deac'ii 
Snipp.  Naow,  Cap'n,  ain't  that  air  the  Mormon  meetin'- 
house  ?" 

I  could  not  help  laaghing  outright  in  the  farmer's  face  at 
this  droll  illustration  of  the  habit  of  Madame  Rumor  to 
perform  whimsical  pranks ;  and  I  thought  how  the  Club 
would  roar  when  I  reported  to  them  the  reputation  they 


94  TEE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

•were  getting  in  the  surrounding  country.  At  last  I  man 
aged  to  straighten  my  face  sufficiently  to  tell  him  some 
thing  about  the  real  character  of  the  Club,  and  to  beg  him 
to  deny  the  wild  reports  he  had  heard;  but  the  more  I 
explained,  the  more  he  was  mystified.  At  last  he  drove 
away,  muttering : 

"  Wai,  whether  that 's  a  Mormon  meetin' -house  or  is  n't, 
it 's  the  dreffulest  queer  lookin'  shantee  I  ever  seed,  any 
how !" 

Our  Club  House,  I  imagine,  would  not  be  a  very  note 
worthy  edifice  in  New  York  or  Boston — though  I  can  not 
speak  positively,  never  having  visited  those  Babylonian  won 
ders.  But  there  is  no  architecural  monument  in  these  rural 
solitudes  half  so  beautiful  and  commanding. 

As  you  ascend  the  stone  steps  and  enter  by  the  front  door, 
you  reach  a  sort  of  square  lobby,  paved  with  blocks  of  dark 
and  white  marble,  so  as  to  form  a  sort  of  mosaic  floor.  On 
the  right  is  the  Superintendent's  office,  and  on  the  left  the 
reception  room,  while  in  front  of  you  are  double  doors, 
through  which  you  are  admitted  to  the  great  hall  of  exercise. 
Within  this  hall,  near  the  right-hand  corner,  is  a  door  open 
ing  into  the  gentlemen's  dressing  room,  and  near  the  left- 
hand  corner  a  door  opening  into  a  similar  room  for  ladies. 
Above  the  lobby,  the  reception  room  and  the  Superintend 
ent's  office  is  a  spacious  room  called  the  library,  which  is  to 
be  elegantly  fitted  up,  and  to  be  used  for  a  reading  room  and 
for  the  literary  and  social  meetings  of  the  Club.  The  great 
hall  is  yet  unfurnished.  It  is  to  contain  ladders,  swings, 
horizontal  and  parallel  bars,  weights  and  pulleys,  iron 


GREAT    TEUTES    LIVE.  95 


dumb-bells,  tlie  wooden  horse,  a  mimic  fortress,  and  all  the 
usual  appliances  of  the  most  improved  German  Gymnasium  ; 
but  a  great  space  in  the  middle  of  the  room  is  left  free  for 
the  special  work  of  the  Dio  Lewis  Gymnastics.  Around 
three  sides  of  the  hall  are  galleries  for  spectators.  We  have 
obtained  from  Dr.  Lewis  an  invention  as  unique  and  "effica 
cious,  in  its  way,  as  is  his  own  exquisite  system  of  exercises  ; 
it  is  the  model  of  a  chair,  which  can  be  folded  up  and  placed 
in  a  rack  at  the  side  of  the  room,  or  taken  again  at  an  in 
stant's  notice  and  placed  for  use  upon  the  floor.  By  this 
contrivance  we  are  able,  without  the  least  trouble,  to  fill 
our  hall  with  chairs  for  an  audience  to  hear  a  lecture  ;  and 
again,  in  a  moment,  as  by  the  waving  of  a  magician's  wand, 
every  chair  shall  disappear,  and  we  ourselves  be  resolved 
into  a  gymnastic  class  ready  for  operations. 

As  I  have  already  intimated,  the  interior  of  our  house  is 
yet  incomplete.  Our  plans  have  been  formed  in  consulta 
tion  with  three  goddesses  rarely  consulted  in  America  all 
at  once  —  Liberality,  Prudence,  Taste.  We  believe  that 
the  rooms,  when  fully  furnished,  will  be  exceedingly  at 
tractive. 

We  expect  to  take  official  possession  of  our  Club  House 
next  week,  when  we  shall  celebrate  the  event  by  a  superb 
house  warming,  in  the  shape  of  a  great  public  meeting, 
with  speeches,  songs,  and  gymnastic  exercises. 

Lest  1  forget  it  altogether,  I  think  I  will  now  scribble 
down  some  of  the  verses  which  the  literary  meetings  of  our 
association  have  already  evoked.  They  are  not  of  a  very 
ambitious  character,  being  thus  far  inclined  merely  toward  a 


96  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

familiar  and  humorous  manner.  I  remember  one  set  of 
verses  which  produced  great  mirth  when  recited  to  the  Club 
some  weeks  ago.  They  are  entitled  "Almost  a  Scholar," 
and  explain  the  rather  tragical  circumstances  under  which 
an  aspiring  bookman  was  induced  to  lay  aside  his  towering 
aspirations.  Is  it  not,  indeed,  one  of  the  most  hackneyed 
sayings  of  the  didactic  folk,  that  great  events  do  often 
spring  from  small  causes  ?  If  Gray,  who  sang  of  mute, 
inglorious  Miltons,  and  of  village  Hampdens  guiltless  of 
their  country's  blood,  had  but  extended  his  life  to  the 
present,  and  his  observations  to  Brawnville,  he  might 
have  added  to  his  Elegy  a  line  or  two  about  the  rustic 
New  Englander,  who,  but  for  the  pathetic  reason  herein 
explained,  would  have  been  a  Bentley  or  a  Scaliger.  Here 
are  the  verses : 


ALMOST    A    SCHOLAR; 

on, 
THE     DYSPEPTIC'S     LAMENT. 

I  ONCE  aspired  to  climb  that  mount 

Where  Learning's  fane  looms  grand ; 
I  bought  more  books  than  I  could  count 
And  swore  that  at  Castalia's  fount 
I  'd  drink — while  I  could  stand. 
Alas !   what  did  my  courage  break, 
And  all  my  proud  ambition  shake, 


HOW    GREAT    TRUTHS    LIVE.  97 

And  force  me  Learning  to  forsake  ? 
It  was — ah  me  ! — the  stomach-ache  ! 

Poor  fellow !  was  it  not  melancholy  ?  I  wonder  if  he 
were  not  in  some  way  related  to  Bulwer  Lytton's  "Ambi 
tious  Student  in  111  Health  ?" 

The  next  series  of  verses  is  an  attempt  to  weave  into 
rhyme  some  of  the  enthusiasm  generated  among  us  by  the 
Dio  Lewis  Gymnastics.  This  little  poem  is  adapted  to  a 
very  familiar  tune,  and  it  is  often  caught  up  and  sung  by  the 
pupils  as  they  march  about  the  room  or  practice  the  exercises 
to  which  it  relates.  It  seems  to  make  no  pretension  to 
humor,  or  indeed  to  any  thing  else,  except  a  devout  wish  to 
comply  with  Andrew  Combe's  recommendation  of  lustily 
using  the  voice  while  working  the  muscles. 

THE    SONG    OF    THE    GYMNASTS. 


RESPECTFULLY   DEDICATED   TO   DIO   LEWIS,    M.    D.,    FOUNDER   OP  THE 
NEW   GYMNASTICS. 


ATE — Sparkling  and  Bright. 

Now,  gymnasts  strong,  lift  we  high  a  song 
For  our  art  and  its  triumphs  glorious, 

That  leads  the  van  for  the  health  of  man, 
And  is  over  ills  victorious! 
4 


98  TEE    JLTHLETIC    CLUB. 


CHOEUS. 

Then  work  away  till  a  better  day 

On  our  pill-cursed  race  is  shining ; 
For  the  "bell"  and  the  "ring"  shall  defiance  fling 

At  the  fiends  of  Disease  and  Pining. 

While  vigor  we  quaff,  we  will  sing  and  will  laugh, 
And  with  shouts  we  will  make  jubilation ; 

For  all  may  have  health,  which  is  man's  highest  wealth, 
And  his  heart's  most  devout  adoration. 

CHOEUS — Then  work  away,  etc. 

We  hail  the  glad  time  when  a  conquest  sublime 

Shall  earth's  bitterest  anguish  smother, 
And  to  each  of  our  band  we  pledge  the  warm  hand 

Of  a  friend  and  a  true-hearted  brother. 

CHOETJS — Then  work  away,  ete. 

The  only  other  verses  that  I  have  preserved  or  can  now 
recall  are  a  few  that,  perhaps,  have  a  deeper  merit,  as  evinc 
ing,  possibly,  more  thought,  satirical  point,  and  vigor  of 
expression.  They  certainly  touch  upon  a  subject  of  vast 
importance  to  us  all,  and  yet  one  which  is  sadly  neglected — 
the  reaction  of  our  morbid  physical  moods  on  the  intellectual 
and  religious  life.  This  little  poem  is  entitled 


HO  IT    GEE  AT    TRUTHS    LIVE.  99 


SPIEITUAL    DAEKNESS. 

IN  Granada  of  Spain,  in  the  days  that  are  fled, 

Lived  a  famous  old  Bishop — rich,  handsome,  and  stout ; 
And  his  homilies — so  his  parishioners  said — 
Though  the  good  man  had  often  been  blistered  and  bled, 
Had  but  one  imperfection — they  smelt  of  the  gout. 

So,   now,  many  a  parson,  by  greenbacks  well  hired, 

From  the  Gospel's  high  message  of  happiness  swerves ; 
And  with  toil,  and  with  prayer,  and  with  tea  parties  tired, 
Drones  away  at  such  Gospel  as  can  be  inspired 
By  bad  air,  soda  biscuit,  and  worry-worn  nerves. 

Shall  we  wonder  that  Luther  his  ink  bottle  threw 

At  the  Devil,  who  came  for  a  bit  of  a  talk? 
Who  of  us  would  not  meet  with  his  Devilship,  too, 
And  be  scared  for  our  lives  to  sing  out  even  "shoo!" 
Shut  up  for  two  years  without  ever  a  walk  ? 

And  full  often  the  world  seems  all  dark  and  forlorn, 

And  the  heavens  no  longer  will  drop  us  a  smile ; 
And  the  heart  is  oppressed,  and  the  conscience  is  torn, 
And  we  curse  the  black  moment  in  which  we  were  born ; 
All,  because — there  's  excess  in  the  item  of  bile  ! 

In  our  churches  it  is  not  more  wealth  that  we  need, 
Nor  round  each  loving  sect  a  more  tall  picket  fence; 


100  TEE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

Nor  more  sermons  to  charm  us — e'en  when  they  do  n't  feed ; 
Nor  more  people  to  swear  to  a  forty-foot  creed; 
No,  't  is  this  little  blessing — 't  is  more  common  sense ! 

If  mankind  of  itself  half  as  much  understood 

As  it  knows  of  a  horse,  or  a  whale    or  a  leaf, 
We  should  learn  that  the  body  and  soul,  for  some  good, 
Are  united  on  earth  in  a  stern  brotherhood, 

And  that  each  feels  the  other's  least  gladness  or  grief. 


VI. 

OUB    HOUSE    WABMING,-AND    HOW    WE 
MADE    OUB    OWN    THUNDEB. 


{(T7ES;  I  have  heard 
came  to-day.     I 


BKAWNVILLE,  June  26,  1866. 
from  Col.  Higginson.     The  lettei 
am  sorry  to  tell  you  that  he  is 
unable  to  be  with  us  at  the  opening  of  our  Club  House." 

Such  were  the  words  of  Judge  Fairplay,  at  one  of  the 
meetings  of  the  Club,  three  or  four  weeks  ago,  in  reply  to 
the  question  of  a  member.  These  meetings,  by  the  way,  are 
very  charming.  They  are  attended  not  only  by  gentlemen, 
but  by  ladies,  and  even  by  some  of  the  little  people ;  and 
the  Judge,  who  is  always  in  the  chair,  and  always  mingles 
suavity  with  rigor,  contrives  to  call  out  among  us  a  good 
deal  of  familiar  and  spontaneous  action,  while  he  never 
fails  to  maintain  the  needful  amount  of  parliamentary  de 
corum. 

"A  gentleman  at  the  other  end  of  the  room,"  continued 
the  Judge,  after  a  pause,  "  says  that  he  thinks  Ool.  Higgin- 
son's  inability  to  come  is  not  to  be  regretted,  because  Col. 
Higginson  is  an  '  infidel.'  It  is  not  best  to  take  up  much 
time  in  this  place  in  discussing  this  subject ;  but  I  am  anx- 

(101) 


102  TH8    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 


ious,  in  all  kindness,  to  say  to  my  friend  yonder,  that  when 
ho  makes  such  a  remark  about  such  a  man  as  Col.  Higgin- 
son,  I  am  more  sorry  for  him  than  I  am  for  the  Colonel. 
(Laughter.)  Please  do  not  laugh,  friends.  You  thus  put  a 
sting  into  a  remark  which  was  not  meant  to  have  any.  I 
do  not  wish  to  give  my  friend  a  pang,  but  a  suggestion. 
But  as  to  that  word  '  infidel' — you  know  we  New  Englanders 
have  always  objected  to  the  old  Southern  mode  of  arguing 
with  any  anti- slavery  man  so  unfortunate  as  to  stray  into 
their  country.  This  was  their  mode  :  Not  to  answer  his 
arguments,  but  to  tar  and  feather  htm.  Well,  have  you 
ever  considered  that  to  call  a  man  by  so  damning  a  name  aa 
*  infidel'  is  to  use,  essentially,  the  same  evasive  mode  of 
logic — is  to  cover  the  man  with  a  verlal  coat  of  tar  and 
feathers?  (Laughter  and  cheers.)  On  the  whole,  I  think 
the  slaveholder's  real  coat  of  tar  and  feathers  is  not  so  bad — 
nay,  that  it  is  not  so  malignant,  or  so  mean  either — as  is  the 
theologian's  ideal  one.  The  former  will  wash  off— the  latter 
won't.  (Laughter.)  Pardon  me,  dear  friends ;  I  am,  per 
haps,  betrayed  by  your  kindness  to  say  too  much.  (Earnest 
cries  of  "Go  on!")  But  I  want  to  suggest  that  we  should 
remember  three  things,  in  case  we  are  ever  tempted  to  call 
any  man  an  '  infidel' — especially,  if  it  should  be  such  a  man 
as  Thomas  Wentworth  Higginson,  a  gentleman  of  devout  and 
pure  life,  and  of  great  benignity  of  character,  to  say  nothing 
of  his  being  a  patriot,  a  brave  soldier,  a  superb  scholar,  and 
the  most  exquisite  prose  writer  left  to  America  since  the  death 
of  Hawthorne.  (Great  cheering.)  Let  us  remember,  first, 
that  this  word  l  infidel'  is  but  the  puppet  of  Geography,  and 


OUR    HOUSE-WARDING.  103 

that  we  who  use  it  in  such  a  case  do  but  expose  our  own  ser 
vitude  to  a  local  narrowness.  Consider  this.  You  call  Hig- 
ginson  'infidel';  but  the  Pope  calls  both  of  you  infidels — 
Higginson,  and  you,  too;  and  the  Greek  Churchman  calls 
all  three  of  you  infidels — Higginson,  you,  and  the  Pope  ; 
then  the  Jew  gets  up  and  calls  all  four  of  you  infidels — 
Higginson,  you,  the  Pope,  and  the  Greek  Churchman;  then 
the  Moslem  is  ready  to  call  all  five  of  you  infidels— Hig- 
ginson,  you,  the  Pope,  the  Greek  Churchman,  and  the  Jew ; 
and,  finally,  some  big  priest  on  the  other  side  of  the  Chinese 
wall  will  peep  over  that  huge  structure,  and  swear  by  Con 
fucius,  that  the  whole  lot  of  you  are  infidels,  and  barbarians 
to  boot ;  and  so  you  can  go  around  the  globe,  and  you  will 
begin  to  discover  that  '  infidel'  is  a  bad  name,  which  one  part 
of  the  map  is  inclined  to  bestow  on  all  the  other  parts. 
Now,  if  we  New  England  Calvinists  have  such  a  monopoly 
of  the  truth  that  we  are  entitled  to  call  the  first  serious 
divergence  from  our  views  a  serious  error,  let  us  at  least 
show,  by  the  language  we  use,  that  our  enormous  endow 
ment  of  truth  has  not  deprived  us  of  our  good  sense  (loud 
cheers),  to  say  nothing  of  our  charity.  (Cheers.)  That  is 
the  first  thing  to  remember.  The  second  is  this :  that  who 
soever  applies  so  injurious  an  epithet  for  a  difference  of 
opinion,  inflicts  the  greatest  injury  which  modern  law  permits 
to  him,  and  he  really  joins  the  great  company  of  persecu 
tors — he  belongs  historically  to  the  party  of  Torquemada, 
Bloody  Mary,  and  Bishop  Bonner.  (Cheers.)  And  this  is 
the  third  'point :  that  just  as  a  certain  sensible  preacher  ob 
jected  to  the  Devil  having  all  the  best  tunes,  so  should  we 


104  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

object  to  the  Devil  having  nearly  all  the  best  men.  (Laugh 
ter  and  applause.) 

"  But  enough  of  this  subject. 

"  Now,  ladies  and  gentlemen,  as  we  can  not  have  our  new 
building  opened  by  the  author  of  '  Out-door  Papers ' — a  bit 
of  writing  perhaps  the  wittiest  and  most  effective  ever  pro 
duced  on  Physical  Culture — I  propose  that  we  give  up  hunt 
ing  for  big  guns  from  abroad,  and  use  such  guns,  big  or 
little,  as  we  have  on  the  spot.  Let  us  fall  back  on  our  own 
resources.  Let  us  have  a  roaring  public  meeting  to  inaugu 
rate  the  Club  House ;  but  let  us  manufacture  our  o\vn  thun 
der  for  the  occasion."  (Cheers.) 

And  it  was  decided  that  so  it  should  be.  And  to-night  we 
have  had  our  house-warming,  and  have  executed  the  pro 
gramme  gloriously,  thunder  and  all. 

Our  great  Hall  of  Exercise  was  filled  with  chairs;  and, 
long  before  the  hour  appointed,  the  chairs  were  filled  with 
people.  There  were  over  the  vast  assemblage  those  animated 
looks,  and  that  buzz  of  multitudinous  talk,  which  are  so  sug 
gestive  of  general  pleasure  and  of  eager  interest. 

At  the  end  of  the  hall  farthest  from  the  entrance,  a  stage 
had  been  erected  for  an  exhibition  of  the  Dio  Lewis  Gym 
nastics —  the  only  kind  of  gymnastic  work  we  have  yet 
attempted;  and  just  in  front  of  this  stage  was  a  smaller 
one  to  be  occupied  by  the  President  and  other  officers  of 
the  Club.  A  sufficient  space  to  the  left  of  the  platform 
was  reserved  for  the  classes;  while  the  space  to  the  right 
was  occupied  by  that  obliging  and  strong-lunged  associa- 


OUR    HOUSE-WARMING.  105 

tion,  the  Brawnville  Brass  Band,  which  gave  its  services 
gratuitously. 

Our  brass  band  is  probably  like  most  brass  bands  in  rural 
districts — it  is  not  restrained  by  any  such  frailty  as  diffidence 
from  making  itself  distinctly  heard — not  to  say  felt — at  all 
proper  opportunities.  It  has,  in  an  eminent  degree,  that 
powerful  quality  which  has  distinguished  many  of  the  great 
orators  and  warriors  of  history — a  comfortable  assurance  of 
its  own  merits,  and  of  the  largeness  of  its  place  in  the 
universe ;  and  you  may  depend  upon  it,  that  so  long  as  brass 
and  wind  do  not  give  out,  a  more  than  cheerful  assent  will 
be  given  to  all  requests  for  "a  little  more  music" — as  its 
performances  are  somewhat  generously  termed.  It  is  not 
impossible  that,  within  a  room  like  our  hall,  this  sonorous 
zeal  of  our  brass  band  may  be  rather  greater  than  is  alto 
gether  agreeable  to  those  among  us  who  chance  to  be 
afflicted  with  delicate  nerves  and  sensitive  ears ;  and  I  fear 
that  some  of  our  people  have  at  times  yielded  to  the  temp 
tation  of  applying  to  brass  bands  in  general  the  compliment 
that  was  once  paid  to  bagpipes  in  general,  to  wit :  that  the 
bagpipe  is  a  very  noble  instrument,  in  one  of  just  two  situa 
tions — either  with  the  listener  in  a  small  boat  in  the  middle 
of  a  Scottish  lake  and  the  bagpipe  on  a  distant  hill,  or  else 
with  the  listener  on  a  distant  hill  and  the  bagpipe  in  a  small 
boat  in  the  middle  of  a  Scottish  lake  ! 

The  meeting  was  opened  with  a  display  of  the  dumb-bell 

exercises,  performed  by  some  thirty  or  forty  little  boys  and 

girls,   all   in   bright   and   graceful   gymnastic   costume.     It 

seemed  as  if  the  interest  of  the  meeting  must  have  struck 

5* 


106  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUE. 

twelve  at  the  very  beginning.     The  most  of  those  present 
had  known  of  the  exercises  only  by  report,  and  as  the  fairy- 
like  troupe  of  beautiful  children,  to  the  accompaniment  of 
stirring  music  (stirring  in  more  senses   than  one),   dashed 
through   these   movements,    in   perfect   concert,    with   great 
agility,  precision,  and  vigor,  with  an  indescribable  vivacity, 
•with  an  airy  lightness  and  statuesque  grace,  the  people  at 
some   passages  actually  held  their  breaths   from   astonish 
ment  and  delight ;  and  I  could  see  many  an  eye — no  doubt 
of    brother   or    sister — glistening    with    happy    tears.      But 
when  at  last  the  end  of  the  series  was  reached,  and  the  music 
stopped,  and  the  little  athletes   began   retreating  from   the 
platform  to  their  seats  below,  the  whole  assembly  rose  to 
their  feet,  clapped  their  hands,  waved  their  handkerchiefs,  - 
and  filled  the  air  with  acclamations  of  applause.     It  was  a 
sacred  scene.     It  was  the  irrepressible  joy  of  fathers  and 
mothers,  of  brothers  and  sisters,  exulting  in  the  new-born 
beauty  and  felicity  of  those  most  dear  to  them  ;  but  the  radi 
ant  children,  not  understanding  this  explosion  of  enthusiasm, 
paused  for  a  moment,  almost  alarmed,  but  were  soon  restored 
by  the  discovery  that  all  this  uproar  and  commotion  meant 
praise ;  and  as  they  reached  their  seats,  and  exchanged  quick 
glances  with  each  other,  and  with  their  friends  in  the  audi 
ence,  I  thought  that  I  had  never  seen  young  eyes  dancing 
and  sparkling  with  so  much  joy. 

It  took  several  minutes  for  the  people  to  give  vent  to  their 
emotions  and  to  become  calm  enough  to  listen  to  the  speak 
ing  ;  and  Jud^e  Fairplay,  our  President,  well  knowing  that 
each  moment  so  spent  was  but  driving  the  cause  he  loved 


OUR    IIOUSE-WAJtMIXG.  107 

nearer  to  the  center  of  the  popular  heart,  made  no  attempt 
to  check  their  demonstrations.  Soon,  however,  another 
thought,  another  emotion,  seemed  to  flash  from  brain  to 
brain,  from  heart  to  heart ;  it  was  this — of  gratitude  to 
Judge  Fairplay.  There,  at  that  moment,  was  sitting  before 
them,  and  about  to  address  them,  the  wise  and  noble  man, 
their  own  neighbor  and  friend,  to  whose  providence,  to  whose 
sagacity,  to  whose  courage  and  munificence  they  were  in 
debted  not  alone  for  this  great  and  splendid  edifice,  but  for 
this  brilliant  proof  of  what  was  possible  in  the  development 
of  beauty,  gracefulness,  and  strength  in  themselves  and  their 
children.  Nothing  could  have  been  contrived  by  the  most 
consummate  artist  in  the  manipulation  of  human  passion 
more  effective  for  a  personal  ovation,  than  such  a  gymnastic 
display  immediately  before  the  rising  of  Judge  Fairplay. 
And  in  this  case  our  pleasure  was  enhanced  by  the  fact  that 
we  knew  that  no  manipulation  had  been  practiced ;  for  the 
Judge  is  as  modest  as  he  is  broad-minded,  far  seeing,  and 
generous.  But  when  at  last  the  honored  man  rose  to  address 
us,  the  impassioned  logic  of  the  moment  seized  upon  every 
heart ;  and  again  the  people  sprang  to  their  feet,  and  again 
with  loud  shouts,  and  hand  clapping,  and  waving  of  hand 
kerchiefs,  continued  moment  after  moment,  and  caught  up 
and  repeated  each  time  with  increased  energy,  they  tried  to 
utter  to  their  benefactor  in  a  language  more  expressive  than 
words,  the  admiration  and  the  gratitude  that  filled  their 
souls.  When,  however,  there  came  at  last  a  lull,  silence,  as 
deep  as  the  tempest  had  been  loud,  settled  down  upon  the 
people ;  and  all  bent  forward  to  hear  what  the  Judge  would 


108  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

say.  But  he  could  not  speak.  The  strong  man  was  over 
mastered.  Twice  or  thrice  his  lips  moved ;  his  eyes  filled 
•with  tears ;  and  though  with  the  resolution  of  a  proud  man 
he  struggled  hard  to  control  himself,  he  had  to  stand  some 
time  in  silence.  We  all  felt  that  this  was  the  most  elo 
quent  speech  we  had  ever  known  even  the  eloquent 
Judge  F  airplay  to  make ;  and  those  of  us  who  were  not 
ourselves  too  full  of  joyful  sympathy  with  him  to  do  so,  once 
more  broke  forth  into  loud  and  long  cheering.  When 
again  there  was  silence,  the  Judge  said,  slowly,  as  if  fight 
ing  hard  for  every  word : 

"  I  had  intended  now  to  address  to  the  meeting  a  few 
observations  which  I  thought  would  be  appropriate  to  this 
hour;  but  I  must  reserve  them  till,  perhaps,  a  later  stage 
of  the  meeting.  From  my  heart  I  thank  you  for  this  kind 
ness  ;  and,  so  far  as  any  agency  of  mine  may  be  accredited 
with  a  small  part  of  the  merit  of  securing  for  us  and  for 
our  posterity  this  admirable  edifice,  I  am  rewarded — a  thou 
sand  and  a  thousand  times  rewarded — by  the  wonderful 
spectacle  of  beauty,  intelligence,  and  disciplined  energy,  just 
presented  to  us  by  these,  the  dear  children  of  our  own  vil 
lage.  (Great  cheering.)  Our  friend,  the  friend  of  every 
man,  woman,  and  child  in  Brawnville — the  man  who  from 
the  very  inception  of  our  Club  has  been  warmly  interested 
in  it,  and  who  has  given  to  its  cause  his  brain,  his  heart, 
and  his  great  influence,  the  Rev.  Mr.  Bland,  will  now  speak 
to  you," 

No  other  man  in  Brawnviile,   always    excepting  Judge 


OUR    HOUSE-WARMING.  109 

Fairplay,  could  have  had  so  hearty  a  greeting  as  that  which 
now  welcomed  the  rising  of  Parson  Bland.  He  began  by 
saying  : 


—  I  do  not  envy  that  man  his  composure,  who, 
after  such  a  scene  as  we  have  just  had,  with  such  emotions 
as  we  still  have,  could  rise  here  and  make  a  glib  speech. 
I  confess  to  you  that  I  am  still  too  much  under  the  potent 
spell  of  that  excitement,  that  generous  and  grateful  excite 
ment,  which  has  pervaded  this  entire  assemblage,  and  almost 
rocked  this  house  upon  its  foundations,  either  to  speak  or  to 
think  with  clearness." 

Mr.  Bland,  gradually  regaining  his  self-command  and  his 
fluency,  then  proceeded  to  congratulate  the  people  on  the 
completion  of  the  new  edifice,  and  the  success  which  had 
attended  the  first  efforts  of  the  Athletic  Club  ;  he  expatiated 
in  glowing  terms  upon  the  manifold  benefits  which  were  to 
flow  from  the  institution  upon  the  whole  community,  and 
through  all  coming  time  ;  and  then  he  put  the  question  to 
them,  To  whom,  in  their  opinion,  more  than  to  all  other 
men,  were  they  indebted  for  such  a  vast  benefaction  ; 
to  whose  public  spirit,  to  whose  discernment,  to  whose 
purse  ?  "I  see,"  he  exclaimed,  "  that  your  eyes  answer 
the  question  for  me."  He  then  suddenly  turned  toward 
Judge  Fairplay,  and  in  a  strain  of  thrilling  eloquence  he 
expressed  to  him  the  gratitude  of  the  people  now  in  his 
presence,  and  even  anticipated  the  thankful  remembrance 
of  the  generations  yet  to  dwell  there  and  to  partake  of  the 
blessing. 


110  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

During  this  part  of  the  speech  there  was  no  dry  eye  in  tho 
house,  unless  possibly  in  the  seat  which  held  the  festive 
Deacon  Snipp  and  his  amiable  friends. 

Mr.  Bland  concluded  his  magnificent  address  by  pointing 
out  that,  after  all,  the  best  way  of  thanking  Judge  Fairplay 
was  to  make  a  good  use  of  the  institution  which  he  had 
done  so  much  to  found. 

On  a  certain  former  occasion,  when,  as  on  the  present,  the 
Brawnville  Brass  Band  had  given  its  services  gratuitously, 
its  members  had  taken  deep  offense  at  a  seeming  slight 
which  had  been  put  upon  them.  They  thought — what 
every  body  knows  is  a  very  unusual  thing  for  musical  peo 
ple  to  do — they  thought  that  their  talents  were  not  appre 
ciated,  for  the  simple  reason  that  they  were  not  called  upon 
to  display  those  talents  with  sufficient  frequency.  In  draw 
ing  out  our  programme  for  this  evening  we  resolved  to 
avoid  this  mistake ;  and,  accordingly,  at  every  possible  point 
we  had  put  in  that  slightly  ironical  phrase — "Music  by  the 
band." 

So,  after  Mr.  Bland,  came  once  more  the  Band,  and  then 
another  gymnastic  display,  which  produced  an  impression 
even  greater  than  that  made  by  the  children.  This  was  the 
series  of  ring  exercises  by  a  class  of  ladies  and  gentlemen, 
all  arrayed  in  brilliant  gymnastic  suits. 

Then  the  boys  and  girls  came  upon  the  platform  again; 
and,  standing  in  semi-circle  and  forming  a -group  which,  for 
picturesque  attitude  and  varied  color,  seemed  like  some 
gorgeous  transfiguration  scene,  they  sang  with  piano  accom 
paniment,  to  the  tune  "  Sparkling  and  Bright,"  the  "  Song 


OU£    HOUSE-WARMING.  Ill 

p* 

of  the  Gymnasts."  Into  the  chorus  they  especially  threw 
an  immense  amount  of  vigor,  and  were  assisted  in  doing 
so  by  a  large  part  of  the  audience,  who  seemed  to  exult 
in  shouting: 

"Then  work  away  till  a  better  day 

On  our  pill-cursed  race  is  shining ; 
For  the  'bell'  and  the  'ring'  shall  defiance  fling 

At  the  fiends  of  Disease  and  Pining  1" 

In  the  midst  of  the  good  humor  and  glee  excited  by  the 
singing  of  this  song,  Judge  Fairplay  rose  and  said : 

"When  men  forget  that  there  are  two  sides  to  every 
subject  they  become  bigots.  There  are  bigots  upon  all  sub 
jects — even  upon  the  subject  of  bigotry.  How  often  do  we 
see  that  curious  specimen  of  natural  history,  an  illiberal- 
Liberal,  a  narrow  Broad-Churchman !  The  greatest  thing 
we  have  to  fear  in  connection  with  the  Brawnville  Athletic 
Club  is,  that  from  the  extraordinary  success  which  has 
attended  it,  we  shall  have  the  argument  all  our  own  ivay; 
that  we  shall  become  intellectually  corrupted ;  that  we  shall 
forget  that  there  are  two  sides  even  to  our  pet  subject  of 
Physical  Culture ;  and  that  thus  we  shall  become  those 
most  vulgar  and  offensive  of  all  bigots — gymnastic  bigots ! 
(Cheers.)  For  this  reason  I  think  that  my  friend,  Dr.  Drug- 
ger — the  coolest,  keenest,  ablest  opponent  of  our  cause  in 
Brawnville — is  really  just  now  about  the  most  useful  man 
in  town.  It  seems  to  be  a  part  of  the  Doctor's  mission  to 
preserve  us  from  gymnastic  bigotry — from  athletic  fanaticism 


112  TEE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

(Cheers.)  The  Doctor  has  very  reluctantly  consented,  at  the 
urgent  entreaty  of  the  Committee,  to  say  a  few  words  to  us 
to-night ;  and  I  know  you  will  authorize  me  in  assuring  him 
of  the  most  polite  attention."  (Cheers.) 

The  Judge  had  touched  skillfully  that  chord  of  chivalrous 
feeling  which  is  strung  in  every  human  soul.  The  Doctor's 
ascent  to  the  platform  was  amid  the  honorable  greetings  of 
those  to  whom  he  stood  as  an  avowed  opponent. 

Morally,  there  was  no  finer  scene  presented  during  the 
whole  evening — an  evening  so  opulent  in  fine  scenes !  The 
Doctor  said : 

"I  am  sure,  ladies  and  gentlemen,  that  I  must  be  very 
hardened  in  my  hostility  to  your  gymnastic  creed  to  hold 
out  against  such  magnanimity  as  you  and  your  noble  Chair 
man  have  just  displayed,  as  well  as  against  such  exquisite 
eloquence,  such  bewitching  logic,  as  your  gymnasts  have 
to-night  put  into  their  attitudes  and  their  movements.  You 
are  likely  to  conquer  me,  if  you  conquer  me  at  all,  through 
my  heart  and  my  eyes.  (Cheers.) 

"I  will  try  to  emulate  your  own  generosity  by  making 
to  you  one  confession,  which  I  do  in  a  whisper  and  in 
strict  confidence.  (Laughter.)  Those  beautiful  boys  and 
girls  nearly  took  my  breath  away — and  my  opinions,  too. 
(Cheers.)  I  have  never  before  seen  the  Dio  Lewis  exercises. 
Greatly  as  I  dislike  Dr.  Dio  Lewis,  I  must  admit  that  his 
gymnastics  seem  beyond  attack.  (Cheers.)  At  all  events,  I 
shall  have  to  go  home  and  think  the  matter  over  before  I 
shall  be  able  to  state  any  objections  to  them.  I  confess  that 


OUR    HOUSE-WARMING.  113 

pi 

I  do  not  at  present  see  how  the  arguments  which  at  your 
first  public  meeting  I  brought  against  gymnastics  in  general, 
can  apply  to  the  system  of  Dr.  Lewis.  And  this  admission 
may  be  of  more  worth  in  your  eyes  if  I  tell  you  that,  as  a 
medical  man,  I  look  upon  Dr.  Lewis  as  a  large-sized  char 
latan.  Please  do  not  misunderstand  me — I  am  not  con 
verted  even  to  the  Dio  Lewis  Gymnastics.  I  merely  say 
that  I  do  not  at  first  sight  see  any  objection  to  them.  I 
intend  to  keep  a  close  watch  upon  them.  I  may  yet 
discover  that  they  produce  evil  results  which  are  not  now 
apparent. 

"  But  what  do  we  see  all  about  this  hall  ?  Your  Club  is 
not  limited  to  this  species  of  gymnastics.  Already  I  observe 
the  preparations  for  the  great  machinery  of  the  German  sys 
tem — those  neck-imperilling  engines,  those  bone-breaking 
implements,  the  very  sight  of  which  presents  a  cheering 
prospect  of  business  for  the  surgeon !  (Laughter.)  If,  in 
deed,  I  looked  at  this  subject  with  that  paltry,  that  wicked 
professional  selfishness  which  one  of  your  speakers  last 
winter  so  unfairly  insinuated  (here  many  eyes  were  turned 
toward  Abdiel  Standish,  who  sat  imperturbable  as  ever),  I 
should  favor  your  gymnastic  scheme  as  full  of  the  most 
exhilarating  promise  of  disease  and  mortality!  (Laugh 
ter.) 

"I  intend  to  wait  till  your  great  shop  is  furnished;  till 
your  huge  tools  are  in ;  till  your  heavy  methods  are  tested ; 
and  I  no\v  warn  you,  most  emphatically,  that  if  your  gymna 
sium  gives  me  too  much  professional  employment,  as  I  really 
fear  it  will,  I  shall  sternly  persist  in  my  present  opposition ! 
(Cheers.) 


114  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUJB. 

"I  did  not  intend  to  say  many  words  to-night.  I  will 
close  with  one  brief  remark.  Every  body  is  inclined  at  times 
to  be  prophetical.  I  am.  so  inclined  now.  I  prophecy  that 
these  heavy  gymnastics,  of  which  the  machines  are  now  only 
partially  introduced,  will  become  the  favorite  ones  of  just 
those  persons  most  likely  to  be  injured  by  them — namely, 
the  youcg  men ;  that  young  men,  finding  in  them  an  oppor 
tunity  of  displaying  muscular  power  and  physical  prowess, 
will  be  tempted  to  exertions  which,  while  they  for  a  time 
delude  with  an  outward  show  of  power,  really  deplete  the 
system  of  its  vitality,  and  lead  to  a  variety  of  incurable 
diseases. 

"  This  is  my  prediction.  Mark  it !  But,  athletes,  you  can 
do  nothing  which  would  gratify  me  more  than  by  proving 
that  I  am  a  false  prophet!"  (Great  cheering,  and  cries  of 
"We  will  do  it!"  "we  will  do  it!"  from  the  gymnastic 
classes.) 

While  the  musicians  were  getting  ready  for  their  next 
performance,  the  irrepressible  Deacon  Snipp,  who  had  mani 
fested  great  uneasiness  during  the  conciliatory  portions  of 
Dr.  Drugger's  speech,  wriggled  into  a  perpendicular  position, 
and  requested  to  be  allowed  to  speak.  The  audience  were 
in  such  a  magnanimous  mood  that  they  did  not  bestow  upon 
him  those  marks  of  their  very  peculiar  consideration  with 
which  his  rising  is  generally  hailed.  The  truth  is — if  the 
truth  must  be  told — that  the  Deacon  is  a  bore,  an  enormous 
bore,  and  the  very  worst  kind  of  an  enormous  bore,  a  bore 
who,  saturated  and  blown  out  with  boundless  self-compla 
cency  and  spiritual  pride,  bores  you  to  death  in  the  august 


OUR    HOUSE-WARMING.  115 

'  »* 

name  of  Godliness.  Judge  ITairplay  graciously  invited  the 
Deacon  to  the  platform,  and  informed  him  that  at  the  con 
clusion  of  the  impending  musical  performance  he  should 
have  the  floor. 

This  delay,  together  with  his  conspicuous  position  on  the 
platform,  seemed  to  add  greatly  to  the  Deacon's  comfort. 
Having  now  his  favorite  place — the  highest  seat  in  the  syna 
gogue,  and  being  in  full  sight  of  the  whole  assemblage,  he 
put  on  a  more  than  ordinary  smirk  of  sanctity ;  and,  rolling 
his  eyes  in  a  devout  frenzy,  and  swelling  his  body  as  if  he 
were  in  danger  of  bursting  with  the  pent-up  piety  inside  of 
him,  he  looked  down  upon  us  all  with  a  face  which  seemed 
to  say,  "I,  even  I  only,  am  left,  whe  have  not  bowed  the 
knee  to  Baal !" 

At  last  the  Deacon  began: 

"  I  do  not  propose  to  speak  at  great  length."  (Cheers  and, 
from  the  back  part  of  the  room,  expressions  of  incredulity.) 
I  had  originally  intended  not  to  come  to  this  meeting. 
(Great  cheering.)  But  there  was  one  consideration  which 
finally  induced  me  to  come.  (Shouts  of  "What  a  pity!") 
I  thought  it  my  duty  to  come  and  stand  up  before  a  frown 
ing  world  (here  the  whole  audience  were  smiling),  and 
bear  witness  against  this  work  in  which  you  are  engaged. 
I  think  that  this  is  the  saddest  day  that  Brawnville  ever 
knew.  (General  mirth.)  Unless  Providence  interferes,  I 
expect  to  see  the  walls  of  Zion  falling  into  decay,  and  the 
people  going  away  after  idols — ten-pins,  dancing,  billiards, 
croquet,  and  other  carnal  pleasures.  (Here  the  audience 


116  TEE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

began  to  show  impatience  with,  this  rigmarole,  but  were 
pacified  by  the  Chairman,  and  induced  to  hear  the  rest 
in  dead  silence.)  I  am  grieved  to  see  some  signs  that  even 
Dr.  Drugger  is  beginning  to  yield  to  this  melancholy  spirit 
of  worldly  mindedness.  I  have  always  looked  upon  him  as 
one  of  our  soundest  conservative  men.  But  I  trust  that, 
whoever  else  may  become  recreant,  I,  at  least,  shall  remain 
faithful  to  piety  and  conservatism.  Thank  God,  there  is,  at 
least,  a  small  band  of  conservative  spirits  still  left,  who 
will,  by  the  grace  of  God,  stand  in  the  gap  against  the 
flood  of  radicalism  and  impiety." 

So  soon  as  the  Deacon  had  ceased,  and  while  he  was  yet 
descending  from  the  platform,  loud  cries  of  "  Abdiel"  rang 
through  the  hall.  The  Committee  had  hoped  that  Abdiel 
Standish  would  not  be  induced  to  speak  to-night ;  for, 
although  he  is  a  man  of  shrewd  observation  and  acute  sense, 
and  in  his  unkempt  fashion  often  says  things  which  are  really 
worth  hearing,  he  is  yet  often  extremely  coarse  and  personal 
in  his  ridicule,  and  is  always  shockingly  provincial  in  his 
language ;  and  we  feared  that  the  elevated  tone  of  the 
meeting  would  be  marred  by  what  he  would  be  likely  to 
say.  If  he  must  speak,  however,  he  could  not  have  a 
fitter  victim  than  the  canting  and  conceited  Deacon ;  and 
the  uprising  of  the  latter  rendered  that  of  Abdiel  inevit 
able.  He  responded  without  reluctance  to  the  calls  of  the 
audience ;  and,  as  is  usual  with  him,  as  well  as  with  many 
other  American  orators,  he  commenced  his  harangue  with 
a  little  story. 


OUR    HOUSE-WARMINQ.  117 

'While  listenin'  to  the  lamingtations  of  the  ven'rable 
gen'l'man  who  has  jest  sot  down,  I'  ve  been  strongly 
reminded  of  a  pussun  of  my  acquaintince  who  was  addicted 
to  the  habit  of  imbibin'  that  pernishuous  flooid  which  is 
always  greatly  improved  by  bein'  thrown  into  the  gutter. 
But  this  pussun  did  n't  think  so.  He  was  never  known 
to  throw  any  of  that  flooid  into  the  gutter,  'xcep  when  he 
went  along  with  it  hisself.  (Laughter.)  On  one  occasion 
he  came  hum  in  a  state  of  considible  intellectooal  confoosion. 
Bein'  still  raither  dry,  he  thought,  as  a  great  novelty,  he  'd 
try  a  drink  o'  water ;  and  he  took  up  a  tumbler  into  which 
a  little  ball  o'  silk  thread  had  fallin'  and  swallered  the  water 
and  the  silk  too.  But  the  end  o'  the  silk  ketchin'  in  his 
teeth,  he  took  hold  of  it  and  began  to  pull.  And  he  kep 
pullin'  yard  after  yard,  till  at  last  he  got  frightened,  and 
yelled  out :  '  Here,  wife,  come  quick ;  I  'm  unravellin' ! 
(Hoars  of  laughter.)  I  do  n't  mean  to  insinooate  nothin' 
'bout  the  good  Deac'n's  bev'rage  afore  he  came  here  to 
night  ;  but  I  've  jist  got  this  to  say :  from  the  very  doleful 
view  he  takes  o'  matters  and  things  in  general,  I  can't  help 
the  suspicion  thai  he  's  unravellin' !  (Great  laughter.)  And 
not  only  so,  but  he  seems  to  think  that  the  univarse  is  suffer- 
in'  from  the  same  complaint. 

"The  good  Deac'n  has  given  us  to-night  a  sort  o'  wail 
about  consarvatism. 

"  Now,  we  've  got  jest  two  sorts  o'  folks  in  this  'ere  town. 
One  sort  is  for  improvement.  The  other  is  dead  set  agin 
improvement  of  any  kind;  for  the  simple  reason  that  they 
are  agin  change.  And  it 's  as  sartin  as  mullin  stalks  that 


118  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUS. 

you  can't  have  improvement  without  some  change  some- 
whar.  They  want  society  to  stop  or  move  back'ard.  They 
seem  to  think  it  's  the  chief  end  o'  man  to  be  like  a 
balky  hoss;  and  ef  they  was  agoin'  to  make  a  harness,  I 
s'pose  they  'd  make  it  all  brichin'.  (Laughter.)  Wai, 
they  've  got  a  very  purty  word  to  call  'emselves.  They  call 
'emselves  Consarvatives. 

"  Now,  friends,  it  sort  o'  seems  to  me  that  whether  there  's 
any  merit  in  bein'  consarvative  depends  'xackly  on  what 
kind  of  a  thing  it  is  you  want  to  consarve.  Ef  you  are  a 
tryin'  to  consarve  what  is  good,  and  useful,  and  true,  why, 
it  's  all  right;  and  this  Club  means  to  be  a  consarvative 
Club.  We  are  for  consarvin'  people's  health ;  we  are  for 
consarvin'  youth  and  happiness,  and  fresh  air,  and  pure 
water,  and  wholesome  food,  and  all  good  customs.  But  the 
great  trouble  in  this  world,  I  've  always  noticed,  is  jest  this : 
those  who  crow,  and  cackle,  and  scream  so  much  about  con- 
sarvatism  do  n't  stop  to  ask  whether  a  thing  is  good  or  bad ; 
but  ef  a  thing  is  old,  they  think  it  ought  n't  to  be  disturbed ; 
they  is  for  havin'  things  stay  jest  as  they  are,  whether  good 
or  bad.  Accordingly,  they  propose  to  consarve  some  things 
we  want  to  smash  up,  sech  as  a  good  many  foolish  New 
England  customs,  and  sins  not  put  down  in  the  catechism — 
sech  as  dyspepsy,  and  headache,  and  weak  backs,  and  shif- 
fless  nerves.  But  there  are  still  livin'  some  folks  like  them 
that  were  spoken  of  the  other  day  in  the  papers — folks  who 
are  so  consarvative  that  ef  God  'Imighty  had  consulted  'em 
about  the  creation  o'  the  world,  they  would  have  advised  him 
to  consarve  chaos.  (Laughter.)  An'  what  's  more,  they 


OUR    HOUSE-WARHINQ.  119 

objeck  to  discussin'  things.  Now,  in  my  'unible  opinion,  ef 
a  thing  won't  bear  discussin',  it 's  jest  because  it  desarves 
merely  cussin'.  (Loud  laughter  and  cheers.) 

"  We  b'lieve  in  the  sort  o'  consarvatism  spoken  of  by  the 
Apostle  :  '  Try  all  things ;  hold  fast  that  which  is  good.' " 
(Great  cheering.) 

Abdiel's  speech  seemed  to  gratify  the  people  wonderfully, 
and  he  returned  to  his  seat  in  triumph.  Then  came  more 
music ;  then  more  gymnastics ;  then  a  brief  but  suggestive 
speech  by  Judge  Fairplay — which  I  regret  that  I  was  too 
weary  to  report;  then  the  song  of  "My  Country"  by  the 
whole  assemblage ;  and  finally,  with  three  ringing  cheers  for 
the  Club,  and  three  for  its  President,  and  three  for  the  ladies, 
the  people  dispersed ;  fully  impressed  that  we  had  just  at 
tended  ^the  best  meeting  ever  held  in  Brawnville — or  any 
where  else ! 


VII. 

JUDGE    FAIKPLAY'S    WAY    OF    PUTTING 
THINGS. 

BEAWNVILLE,  July  26,  1866. 

kk  IN  old  man,  renowned  for  wisdom  through  half  a 
^1^  dozen  villages,  sat  upon  the  porch  of  his  humble 
cottage,  in  the  early  morning  hour,  to  converse  with  his 
neighbors,  should  any  of  them  that  day  seek  his  qounsel. 
First  came  an  athlete — low-browed,  ruddy-cheeked,  strong- 
armed,  of  mighty  chest,  and  with  a  ponderous  frame  knit 
of  muscle  that  moved  and  glistened  like  animated  steel. 
'  0  father !  what  more  is  left  for  me  to  do  ?'  '  Find  out  that 
you  have  a  mind.'  And  the  athlete  went  his  way.  Then, 
from  the  communion  of  his  books  came  a  student— pale, 
emaciated,  devoured  by  the  voracity  of  his  own  brain  and 
nerves,  his  eye  luminous  with  poesy,  his  pure  marble  fore 
head  towering  like  some  noble  dome  of  knowledge  and 
thought.  '  0  father !  what  more  is  left  for  me  to  do  ?' 
*  Find  out  that  you  have  a  body.'  And  the  student  likewise 
went  his  way." 

Such  was  the  pretty  parable  which  Judge  Fairplay  related 

(120) 


THE  JUDGE'S  JTAY  OF  PUTTING  THINGS.   121 

to  us  the  other  night.  He  left  us  to  draw  forth  its  meaning 
for  ourselves.  And  such  is  a  fair  specimen  of  his  vivacious 
•way  of  putting  things — a  way  which  I  mean  to  exemplify  by 
further  specimens  in  the  course  of  this  paper. 

But  if  I  were  called  upon  to  state  the  one  cause  which, 
more  than  all  things  else,  has  contributed  to  the  singular 
and  surpassing  success  of  our  Athletic  Club  up  to  the  present 
moment,  I  should  fix  upon  this :  The  Club  has,  in  a  hun 
dred  ways,  embodied  and  enforced  the  two  verdicts  of  this* 
sage  of  the  half  a  dozen  villages.  It  has  taught  the  man  of 
body  to  discover  that  he  had  a  mind ;  it  has  taught  the  man 
of  mind  to  discover  that  he  had  a  body.  Thus  it  has  been 
a  missionary  of  true  harmony  to  many  of  our  people ;  and  it 
is  now  sustained  and  cherished  in  the  grateful  love  of  all 
who  have  experienced  its  silent  benefactions.  For,  indeed, 
what  benefaction  can  be  greater  than  that  of  enabling  hu 
man  beings  to  come  into  full  possession  of  themselves  ? 
Columbus  made  the  world  a  whole  world  by  giving  to  one- 
half  of  it  the  knowledge  of  the  other  half.  But  our  Club 
has  done  a  still  grander  thing — it  has  revealed  to  many  a 
man  among  us  that  he  was  but  half  a  man,  and  has  shown 
him  how  to  become  a  whole  one.  Not  more  necessary  is 
the  western  hemisphere  to  the  eastern,  than  is  the  body  to 
the  intellect,  and  the  intellect  to  the  body. 

I  have  already  noted  down  in  these  pages  some  of  our 
methods  of  developing  the  body.  But  it  was  a  sagacious 
and  a  fruitful  thought  of  Judge  Fairplay  to  provide  in  the 
same  institution,  a  room  consecrated  to  the  development  of 
the  intellect.  For  the  former  purpose  we  have  our  Hall  of 
6 


122  THE    ATHLETIC    CLVB. 

Exercise ;  for  the  latter,  we  have  our  Library — the  room  in 
which  our  literary  meetings  are  held,  and  the  arena  already 
of  some  glowing  and  stimulating  discussions.  Each  depart 
ment  feeds  and  supports  the  other.  The  exercises  clarify 
the  brain,  and  act  as  a  tonic  to  thought ;  the  discussions  cre 
ate  and  preserve  intelligent  enthusiasm  for  the  exercises. 
Thus  we  strive  to  deserve  the  title  of  an  Athletic  Club — 
forming  athletic  minds  and  muscles. 

*  Our  literary  meetings  are  held  regularly  on  Tuesday  eve 
nings.  As  yet,  we  have  not  had  the  least  difficulty  in  secur 
ing  a  full  attendance ;  and  this  for  the  simple  reason  that 
our  meetings  are  live  ones.  This,  in  fact,  is  the  secret  of 
success  in  meetings  of  all  sorts.  Eor  example :  one  often 
hears  ministers  scolding  their  people  because  they  do  not 
come  out  to  those  unique  assemblages  of  the  Protestant 
Church  called  Prayer-meetings.  But  why  do  not  people 
come  out  to  them?  It  is  because  in  all  such  cases  the  meet 
ings  are  formal,  cold,  and  dead.  But  people  can  never  be 
scolded  into  feeling  an  interest  in  dead  things  of  any  sort. 
Touch  a  real  subject  in  a  real  way,  and  at  once  animation 
will  stream  in  upon  the  meeting  through  the  very  roof;  and 
the  report  thereof  will  go  forth  as  an  invitation  more  musi 
cal  and  enticing  than  the  chimes  of  all  the  church  bells  in 
Christendom.  If  ministers  and  deacons  would  stop  their 
whimpering,  and  speak  no  more  hurdy-gurdy  speeches,  and 
pray  no  more  hurdy-gurdy  prayers,  the  only  difficulty  they 
would  have  about  audiences  would  be  where  to  put  them. 
But  who  can  be  eager  to  hear  fossils  croaking  unto  fossils 
in  one  eternal  groan  about  fossils?  Jesus  had  no  trouble 


THE  JUDGE'S    WAT  OF  PUTTING   THINGS.    123 

to  get  audiences.  Nay,  his  only  trouble*  was  to  get  away 
from  them.  He  fled  into  deserts  and  mountain  recesses,  and 
into  the  solitudes  of  lake  and  river;  and  still  the  people 
pursued  him,  hurried  after  him  by  the  everlasting  hunger 
of  the  human  heart  for  reality.  So  has  it  been  always.  So 
was  it  with  Luther,  Latimer,  Knox,  Whitefield,  Wesley,  and 
Theodore  Parker.  It  was  never  difficult  for  them  to  get 
people  to  come  to  hear  what  they  had  to  say,  because  they 
always  had  something  real  to  say.  So  is  it  to-day  with  Spur- 
geon  and  Beecher.  The  clue  to  their  success  seems  to  be 
that  they  do  not  play  upon  the  dried  catgut  of  defunct  top 
ics;  but  even  in  their  stupidest  moments — and  they  have 
such— they  invariably  smite  the  living  chords  of  living  hearts 
before  them. 

The  foregoing  theory  of  success  in  public  meetings  is 
substantially  what  Judge  Fairplay  has  told  us  a  score  of 
times.  And  he  insists  that  the  principle  applies  to  meetings 
of  all  sorts.  As  to  our  weekly  Club  meetings,  no  member 
is  exhorted,  much  less  scolded,  to  come  ;  every  member  is 
made  to  feel  that  he  can  not  afford  to  stay  away.  It  matters 
not  what  the  topic  for  the  evening  may  happen  to  be,  the 
spirit  of  treating  it  is  ever  the  same — naturalness,  simplicity, 
the  reduction  of  all  theories  to  the  test  of  experience,  dis 
couragement  of  bombast  and  oratorical  display,  perfect  lib 
erty  to  every  variety  of  honest  opinion. 

No  doubt  we  are  very  fortunate  in  having  for  our  presid 
ing  officer  so  wise,  temperate,  genial,  and  versatile  a  man 
as  Judge  Fairplay;  for  he  is  to  us  both  a  stimulus  and  a 
restraint.  Venerating  the  slightest  lisping  of  truth,  tolerant 


124  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUE. 

of  e\ery  type  of  real  thought  and  sentiment,  hostile  only  to 
insincerity  and  impudence,  he  succeeds  in  evoking  utterance 
from  many  a  hesitant  and  blushing  speaker ;  while  he  knows 
how,  either  with  tingling  irony  or  blistering  sarcasm,  to 
check  any  tendency  to  meaningless  argumentation  or  to  the 
vanities  of  pompous  rhetoric. 

We  have  two  or  three  members  who  set  up  for  metaphy 
sicians  ;  and  nothing  suits  them  better  than  to  start  some 
flock  of  impalpable  problems,  and,  with  the  whole  Club  for 
a  reluctant  audience,  to  display  their  ingenuity  in  word  bat 
tles  and  dialectics.  A  few  evenings  since  they  got  into  one 
of  these  cloudy  contests,  and,  after  filling  the  room  with  a 
thick  shower  of  words  for  nearly  half  an  hour,  and  testing 
severely  the  good  nature  of  the  company,  the  Judge,  with  a 
sort  of  grave  playfulness,  came  to  our  rescue  and  ridiculed 
them  into  silence : 

"  Now,  gentlemen,  I  think  it  is  about  time  for  some  of  us 
who  are  not  metaphysicians  to  have  a  turn.  Allow  me  to 
say,  that  in  such  meetings  as  ours  we  must  constantly  try 
our  discussions  by  a  sternly  practical  test.  It  may  be  very 
amusing  to  you,  gentlemen,  to  contend  thus  about  the  *  Me ' 
and  the  'Not  Me,'  about  'the  nature  of  personal  identity,' 
about  '  the  essence  of  the  soul,'  and  so  forth ;  but  I  can 
assure  you,  that  what  is  fun  for  you  is  very  much  like  death 
for  us.  (Laughter  and  cheers.)  For  one,  I  have  listened 
closely  to  your  words  for  the  last  half  hour,  and  at  the  end 
of  that  time,  after  you  have  discharged  upon  our  suffering 
ears  almost  an  infinity  of  abstract  talk,  I  am  strongly  in- 


THE  JUDGE'S   WAT  OF  PUTTING   THINGS.   125 

clined  to  accept  the  definition  of  Metaphysics  once  given  by 
a  sensible  Scotch  blacksmith :  *  Two  men  are  disputin'  the- 
gither.  He  that  's  listenin'  dinna  ken  what  he  that  's 
speakin'  means,  and  he  that  's  speakin'  dinna  ken  what 
he's  sayin'  himself.  That 's  metaphysic.'  "  (Koars  of  laugh 
ter.) 

This  was  said  in  so  kindly  a  way,  and  with  so  hearty  a 
humor,  that  even  the  metaphysicians  joined  in  the  shouts 
of  mirth  over  their  own  extinguishment.  They  will  not  be 
likely  to  inflict  another  dose  upon  us  without  people  grinning 
in  their  very  faces  at  the  recollection  of  the  Scotchman's 
definition. 

I  think,  however,  that  there  is  nothing  else  which  proves 
so  heavy  a  draft  upon  the  forbearance  of  Judge  Fairplay  as 
any  thing  like  bombast  and  sonorous  ostentation  in  speech- 
making.  We  have  among  us  a  few  specimens  of  that  piti 
less  race  of  mortals  who  set  up  for  orators — a  word,  by  the 
way,  more  maltreated  than  any  other  in  the  language  of 
earth.  These  orators  of  ours  are  compounded,  in  about 
equal  proportions,  of  impudence  and  wind,  and  upon  all 
possible  and  impossible  occasions  they  stand  ready  to  scourge 
us  with  both  qualities.  "Were  it  not  for  the  heroic  manner 
in  which  Judge  Fairplay  interferes  for  our  protection,  I  do 
believe  that  our  meetings  would  soon  be  utterly  ruined — 
blown  into  a  hundred  atoms  by  these  remorseless  tornado 
gusts  of  eloquence. 

The  most  incorrigible  orator  in  our  Club  is  an  interesting 
young  gentleman  named  Mr.  Leonidas  Climax,  who  holds 
the  position  of  clerk  in  the  village  bank,  and  is  fired  with 


126  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

the  noble  ambition,  as  he  once  chastely  expressed  it,  "of 
inscribing  his  name  on  that  immortal  scroll  of  fame  on  which 
are  already  written,  with  starry  letters  of  imperishable  sheen, 
by  the  diamond  pens  of  recording  cherubims  and  sera- 
phims,  the  deathless  names  of  Demosthenes  and  Cicero, 
of  Chatham,  Patrick  Henry,  D.  Webster,  and  H.  Clay  !"— 
"  and,"  as  a  sarcastic  member  kindly  added,  "  George  Francis 
Train!"  It  mnst  be  confessed  that  for  this  rather  stupen- 
ous  enterprise,  Mr.  Leonidas  Climax  possesses  a  stock  of  per 
sonal  qualities  which  will  no  doubt  enable  him  to  accomplish 
wonders — a  thick  head  of  hair  and  a  thin  crop  of  ideas,  a 
small  brain,  a  large  mouth,  and  an  enormous  pair  of  lungs, 
beside  a  cool,  nay,  a  sublime  audacity,  in  bellowing  forth, 
his  resonant  nonsense  in  any  assemblage  upon  which  it  is 
possible  for  him  to  thrust  himself.  Mr.  Leonidas  Climax 
is  not  a  sensitive  person.  Perhaps  some  would  consider  this 
a  fortunate  circumstance  for  him.  Certainly,  had  he  been 
any  thing  less  than  one  of  those  Muscovites,  of  whom  it  is 
said  that  the  only  way  to  give  them  a  sensation  is  to  flay 
them  alive,  he  would  long  since  have  wilted  beneath  the 
cannonading  of  hints,  sneers,  jests,  and  supplications  with 
which  a  much  suffering  humanity  has  tried  to  temper  the 
fatal  paroxysms  of  his  fluency.  Like  all  great  orators,  Mr. 
Leonidas  Climax  has  his  own  little  peculiarities  in  speaking, 
which  distinguish  him  from  the  common  herd  of  declaimers 
by  a  fine  flavor  of  originality.  We  have  read  of  an  orator 
who  never  rises  to  an  eloquent  passage  without  first  vigor 
ously  scratching  the  left  side  of  his  nose ;  and  of  another 
who  invariably  signalizes  his  finest  bursts  of  oratory  by  the 


THE  JUDGE'S   WAT  OF  PUTTING   THINGS.   127 

bursting  of  his  coat  under  both  arms.  Mr.  Leonidas  Climax, 
as  has  been  already  intimated,  is  the  proprietor  of  a  little 
peculiarity  which  is  exclusively  his  own — namely,  to  soar 
into  the  altitudes,  as  he  would  say,  by  dint  of  incessantly 
drinking  from  the  water  pitcher.  It  was  in  vain  that,  at  the 
outset  of  his  eloquent  career  among  us,  certain  members 
took  the  liberty  of  pouring  water  into  a  tumbler  and  of  plac 
ing  it  near  him,  as  a  gentle  hint  that  if  he  must  drink  he 
should  do  so  in  a  civilized  manner.  He  is  superior  alike  to 
gentle  hints  and  to  any  vessel  less  heroic  than  the  pitcher ; 
so  that  the  Club  has  been  compelled  to  avenge  itself  upon 
the  hydro-bibulous  orator  by  voting  an  appropriation  of 
twenty-five  cents  for  the  purchase  of  a  pitcher  for  the  use 
of  Mr.  Leonidas  Climax  alone.  It  was  in  vain  that  on  one 
occasion  a  member  anxiously  inquired  of  him  "  whether  he 
did  not  think  his  eloquence  was  already  thin  enough  without 
mixing  it  with  water."  He  benignantly  answered  :  "  Oh,  I 
can  take  a  joke,  gentlemen !"  It  was  in  vain  that  at  another 
time  one  of  our  members  asked  him  "if  he  considered  that 
an  orator  was  raised  to  the  heights  of  eloquence  on  the  prin 
ciple  of  the  hydraulic  ram  ?"  With  the  most  unruffled  good 
humor,  he  replied :  "Go  on,  gentlemen ;  I  trust  I  can  take 
a  joke !"  In  the  course  of  a  tremendous  speech  he  made  at 
the  Club  but  a  few  evenings  since,  and  while  frantically  en 
gaged  as  usual  in  spouting  wind  and  imbibing  water,  a  bit 
of  paper  was  seen  to  pass  up  the  table  to  the  Chairman.  At 
the  end  of  the  harangue,  the  Judge  rose  and  with  the  utmost 
gravity  read  from  the  paper ; 


128  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

"Several  members,  unable  their  views  to  compare, 
On  a  question  of  order  appeal  to  the  chair. 
Though  of  words  it  be  just  to  make  such  a  slaughter, 
Has  a  windmill  the  right  to  go  thus  by  water?" 

When  the  roars  of  laughter  had  ceased,  the  Judge  roused 
them  again  by  adding :  "  The  Chair  will  give  its  reply  to  this 
appeal  in  the  same  manner  as  that  in  which  it  has  been 
made : 

"If  a  windmill  can  grind  without  ever  a  grist, 
A  windmill  can  surely  do  just  what  it  list." 

Mr.  Leonidas  Climax  sat  with  arms  complacently  folded, 
and  with  the  most  provoking  serenity  of  amiable  feeling, 
merely  replying :  "  You  know,  gentlemen,  that  I  can  take 
a  joke." 

"Yes,"  said  the  Judge;  "but  I  can  assure  the  gentleman 
that  to  us  all  this  is  very  far  from  being  a  joke  at  all." 

"  Well,"  Judge  Fairplay  said,  at  the  close  of  the  meeting, 
to  a  few  of  us  who  stood  round  him  in  conversation,  "we 
must  be  philosophical  about  it.  Every  debating  society  that 
ever  existed  has  had  the  same  trial  from  two  or  three  members 
afflicted  with  this  sort  of  plethora.  We  must  try  to  bear 
patiently  what  all  others  have  to  bear ;  and  we  must  get  as 
much  fun  out  of  these  fellows  as  we  can.  But  if  our  Club 
should  ever  perish,  I  fear  its  epitaph  will  be :  '  Died,  from 
excess  of  Leonidas  Climax.'  No,  that  won't  do.  Such  an 
epitaph  would  be  too  gratifying  to  the  personal  vanity  of 
the  murderer.  We  must  indicate  the  calamity  in  an  im- 


TEE  JUDGE'S    WAT  OF  PUTTING   THINGS.   129 

ft* 

personal  way,   thus:    'Died,  from  the  effects  of  a  gas  ex 
plosion.'  " 

But  our  President  is  something  more  than  a  disciplinarian 
in  our  meetings ;  he  is  the  awakener  of  much  earnest 
thought  on  the  entire  subject  of  man's  physical  and  intellect 
ual  life.  In  his  quiet  little  speeches  he  is  constantly  drop 
ping  hints  of  wisdom  wrapped  up  in  allegory ;  items  of  sta 
tistical  lore  with  wide-reaching  moral;  choice  bits  from  his 
readings ;  reflections  on  books,  on  society,  and  especially  on 
the  philosophy  of  exercise.  I  rebuke  myself  for  having  been 
so  remiss  in  preserving  these  casual  utterances  of  our  guide, 
philosopher,  and  friend ;  and  am  constantly  promising  myself 
that  I  will  in  the  future  do  better  things.  Here,  however, 
are  a  few  of  his  sayings  and  quotations  which  I  have  em 
balmed  in  my  note  book  : 

"SANITAEY   ATHEISM. 

"  Is  there  such  a  thing  ?  Is  it  possible  to  hold  too  zeal 
ously  the  doctrine  that  health  is  a  stream  whose  fountain  is 
each  man's  own  will  and  behavior?  Human  nature  has 
the  terrible  kangaroo  gift  of  leaping — leaping,  however, 
from  one  extreme  to  another.  Has  it  not  lately,  in  some 
instances,  leaped  from  the  one  extreme  of  regarding  health 
and  disease  as  wholly  God's  sending,  to  the  other  extreme 
of  regarding  health  and  disease  as  wholly  an  affair  of 
human  control  ?  May  not  the  sanitary  reformer,  who 
has  escaped  from  the  hideous  superstition  of  the  old 
hymn, 

6* 


130  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

"' Diseases  are  thy  servants,  Lord! 
They  come  at  thy  command,' 

have  fallen  into  the  equally  hideous  fallacy  of  ignoring  God 
altogether  in  his  computations  ?  Perhaps  each  of  us  might 
say  to  the  other,  in  the  words  of  King  John : 

"'Why  do  you  bend  such  solemn  brows  on  me? 
Think  you  I  hold  the  shears  of  destiny? 
Have  I  commandment  on  the  pulse  of  life  ?' " 

"REASON. 

"  What  was  it  the  last  speaker  said  about  reason  ?  That 
reason  is  a  thing  not  to  be  trusted  ?  Nay,  my  friends,  take 
this  advice — flee  from  cant  faster  than  you  would  from  a 
she-bear  or  a  pack  of  wolves.  The  moment  you  attempt  to 
justify  that  statement  about  reason,  you  begin  to  use  the 
very  organ  which  you  decry — you  ask  reason  to  prove  that 
whatever  reason  does  prove  is  worthless.  When  a  young 
man,  I  found  in  the  Preface  to  Sir  William  Drummond's 
Academical  Questions  a  paragraph  which  I  then  thought 
one  of  the  noblest  in  the  English  language — and  I  think 
so  still.  '  Prejudice  may  be  trusted  to  guard  the  outworks 
for  a  short  space  of  time,  while  Reason  slumbers  in  the 
citadel ;  but  if  the  latter  sinks  into  lethargy,  the"  former 
will  quickly  erect  a  standard  for  herself.  Philosophy,  wis 
dom,  liberty  support  each  other ;  he  who  will  not  reason  is 
a  bigot,  he  who  can  not  is  a  fool,  and  he  who  dares  not  is 
a  slave.' " 


THE  JUDGE'S  WAT  OF  PUTTING  THINGS.   131 


"ANCIENT   IDEAS   OF   PHYSICAL    CULTURE. 

"  The  golden  age  of  physical  culture  lias  already  shone  upon 
this  world,  even  as  I  trust  that  golden  age  is  yet  to  dawn 
again.  There  has  been  a  time  when,  according  to  ^Eschen- 
bergh, '  bodily  exercises  were  viewed  by  the  Romans  as  a  more 
essential  object  in  education  than  the  study  of  literature  and 
science ;'  there  has  been  a  time  when,  if  we  may  believe  all  the 
great  writers  of  the  period,  more  attention  was  given  by  the 
Grecians  to  physical  culture  than  to  all  other  departments  of 
education  combined — thus  presenting  to  us  the  historical 
anomaly  of  a  race  transcending  all  others  in  intellectual 
power  and  versatility,  the  mere  fragments  of  whose  literature 
are  the  most  brilliant  and  precious  legacy  of  the  past  to  the 
present,  likewise  transcending  all  other  races  in  devotion  to 
bodily  training;  there  has  been  a  time  when  men  did  not 
call  that  education  which  crushes  the  body  while  it  crams  the 
mind ;  which  deposits  facts  in  the  brain,  and  infirmity  in  the 
whole  system ;  which,  by  a  horrible  conjunction,  mingles 
the  seeds  of  knowledge  and  the  seeds  of  disease.  There  has 
been  a  time  when  men  acted  on  the  belief  that  a  cultivated 
mind  is  a  priceless  picture,  worthy  of  being  set  in  a  noble 
frame,  and  that  the  attempt  to  carry  over  the  waves  of  life 
a  fine  mental  endowment  in  a  diseased,  fragile,  nervous,  de 
bilitated,  and  neglected  body,  is  as  irrational  as  would  be  the 
attempt  to  float  a  handful  of  diamonds  over  the  ocean  in  a 
sieve.  There  has  been  a  time  when  the  poets,  statesmen, 
artists,  orators,  and  scholars  of  the  age  were  men  of  mag 
nificent  athletic  proportions;  were  strong  heads  on  strong 


132  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

shoulders;  were  royal  bodies  acting  in  honorable  vassalage 
to  still  more  royal  minds.  There  has  been  a  time  when  men 
whom  we  call  heathens  believed  it  to  be  their  religious  duly 
to  reverence  and  to  obey  those  laws  which  the  Creator  has 
written  upon  our  bodily  structures ;  who  deemed  physical 
illness  in  some  degree  akin  to  moral  delinquency." 

"THE    POET    THOMPSON. 

"  A  member  has  requested  me  to  repeat  once  more  those 
lines  which  I  gave  you  the  other  evening  from  the  author  of 
'The  Seasons'  and  'The  Castle  of  Indolence.'  I  thought 
them  familiar  to  every  one.  Certainly,  they  ought  to  be 
known  to  every  gymnast. 

" '  Ah !    what  avail  the  highest  gifts  of  Heaven, 

When  drooping  health  and  spirits  go  amiss? 
How  tasteless,  then,  whatever  can  be  given; 
Health  is  the  vital  principle  of  bliss — 
And  exercise  of  health  !'  " 

"FUNDAMENTAL. 

"  In  one  of  our  discussions  I  used  this  expression :  '  The 
fundamental  truths  of  physical  culture.'  I  have  since  been 
asked  to  state  what  those  truths  are.  Let  us  take  one  at 
a  time.  Here  is  one  for  to-night:  Health  is  so  great,  so 
incomparable  a  blessing,  that  it  is  worth  all  the  trouble 
necessary  to  keep  it  if  we  have  it,  or  to  get  it  if  we  have 
it  not." 


THE  JUDGE'S  WAY  OF  PUTTING  THINGS.   133 


"THE   ANTIQUITY   OF   GYMNASTICS. 

'What  art  can  be  so  ancient  as  that  of  Gymnastics? 
Indeed,  we  begin  gymnastics  before  we  do  volition  or  con 
sciousness.  Certainly  we  use  our  bodies  long  before  we  do 
our  minds.  The  cradle  is  the  primitive  gymnasium;  and 
the  mother's  arms,  and  the  toy  rattle,  and  the  rounds  of  the 
nursery  chairs  are  the  first  apparatus ;  and  the  stretching 
and  squirming  of  the  babe,  as  he  lies  in  his  little  bed,  or  as 
he  measures  his  length  upon  the  carpet,  in  his  first  desperate 
efforts  at  locomotion,  are  but  the  expressions  of  a  great  edict 
of  Nature,  proclaiming  the  absolute  necessity  of  physical 

"SPAETAN   GOOD   SENSE. 

"  Those  old  iron-fisted  Spartans  knew  a  thing  or  two. 
They  had  a  wonderful  genius  for  hitting  the  nail  on  the  head. 
Look  at  this.  Every  Spartan  citizen  must  be  a  soldier ;  but 
no  one  was  fit  for  a  soldier  unless  he  were  healthy.  There 
fore,  if  a  puny  child  came  into  the  world,  they  voted  him  not 
worth  raising,  and  just  huddled  the  poor  brat  off  to  the 
mountains,  as  food  for  the  crows.  That  was  a  little  harsh,  to. 
be  sure.  Yet  it  is  probable  that  a  puny  child  was  seldom 
born  among  them ;  for,  knowing  that  a  race  of  heroes  could 
not  spring  from  a  race  of  sickly  mothers,  they  arranged  that 
the  mothers  should  not  be  sickly.  Here  is  what  their  law 
givers  said :  *  Female  slaves  are  good  enough  to  stay  at  home 
and  spin ;  but  who  can  expect  a  splendid  offspring,  the  appro 
priate  gift  of  a  free  Spartan  woman  to  her  country,  from 


134  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

mothers  brought  up  in  such  occupations?'  Well,  if  the 
ladies  were  not  to  stay  at  home  and  spin,  what  upon  earth 
were  they  to  do?  Why,  go  to  the  gymnasium,  of  course! 
Yes,  there  's  the  rub.  How  can  you  get  them  to  go  ?  The 
Spartans  did  it  easily.  Did  they  fine  them  for  not  going  ? 
No.  Did  they  threaten  to  hang  them  or  shoot  them?*  No. 
Did  they  offer  them  beautiful  dresses  if  they  would  go? 
No.  They  appealed  to  a  stronger  motive  than  avarice,  or 
fear,  or  vanity.  They  ordained  that  no  Spartan  girl  could 
get  married  until  she  had  demonstrated  her  proficiency  in 
gymnastics!  So  the  thing  was  done,  and  no  more  bother 
about  it.  Ah !  if  our  American  Congress  would  but  take  the 
hint,  what  a  rush  of  Yankee  girls  there  would  be  to  the 
gymnasiums !" 


VIII. 

A    CATASTEOPHE. 

BBAWNVILLE,  August  5,  1866. 

A  DOZEN  or  twenty  of  us  had  arrived  at  the  Library 
this  evening  at  least  a  quarter  of  .an  hour  before  the 
time  for  opening  the  meeting,  and  were  standing  or  sitting 
in  groups  about  the  long  table  which  occupies  the  center  of 
the  room.  The  Judge  was  already  in  the  chair  at  the  head 
of  the  table ;  and  Dr.  Drugger,  our  noble  enemy,  who  often 
comes  to  our  discussions  and  contributes  to  them  the  prec 
ious  spice  of  keen,  sarcastic,  but  gentlemanly  opposition, 
had  thrown  himself  into  a  chair  near  that  of  the  Judge,  and 
sat  there  in  a  rather  lounging  attitude,  his  left  elbow  resting 
on  the  table,  and  his  right  leg  thrown  over  one  arm  of  the 
chair.  As  usual,  he  was  bantering  the  Judge  in  his  own 
facetious  and  slashing  style,  describing  him  as  "  a  gymnastic 
maniac,"  declaring  that  "himself  and  Deacon  Snipp  were  the 
only  sane  men  left  in  Brawnville,"  and  predicting  that  "in 
another  twelvemonth  the  Club  House  would  be  turned  into 
a  lunatic  asylum,  fully  stocked  with  patients  from  among 
the  regular  gymnastic  performers  of  the  present  establish 
ment."  There  is  always  something  racy  in  the  Doctor's 

(135) 


136  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

talk ;  and  we  no  sooner  discovered  that  he  was  in  one  of 
his  gymnaphobic  moods  than  we  all  gathered  round  him  to 
enjoy  the  sport. 

"Of  course,  Doctor,"  replied  the  Judge,  "  you  know  that 
nothing  is  easier,  and  indeed  nothing  is  more  common,  than 
for  crazy  people  to  accuse  all  but  their  own  sort  of  being 
crazy.  You  and  Deacon  Snipp  stand  forth  in  this  commu 
nity,  now  awakened  to  the  necessity  of  physical  exercise, 
and  you  two  vote  all  the  rest  of  us  mad — just  as  if  two 
hundred  inmates  of  some  asylum  were  to  assemble  in  mass 
meeting,  and  pass  some  such  preamble  aucl  resolutions  as  the 
following : 

"  l  WHEREAS,  The  majority  of  the  human  family  have  lost 
their  wits,  and  have  become  hopelessly  deranged  and  de 
mented  ;  and 

" '  WHEREAS,  They,  having  the  power  of  the  majority  on 
their  side,  have  erected  this  edifice  and  called  it  Bedlam; 
and 

" '  WHEREAS,  They  have  forcibly  and  cruelly  arrested  us, 
the  only  sane,  balanced,  and  rational  people  left  in  the 
world,  and  have  put  the  stigma  of  insanity  upon  us,  and 
have  imprisoned  us  in  this  asylum ;  therefore,  be  it 

"  *  KESOLVED,  That  we,  whose  names  are  hereunto  affixed, 
the  only  sensible  people  Providence  has  granted  to  this  gen 
eration,  do  solemnly  protest  against  the  foul  and  calum 
nious  treatment  \ve  have  thus  received  at  the  hands  of 
mankind;  that  we  assert  before  heaven  our  perfect  health 
and  sanity ;  that  we  pronounce  all  men  and  women,  except 


A    CATASTROPHE.  137 

ourselves,  to  be  utterly  mad,  crazy,  witless,  and  demented, 
and  that  wo  can  not  excuse  them  for  their  cruelty  to  us, 
except  on  the  ground  of  their  having  lost  their  faculties, 
and  of  their  being,  therefore,  not  morally  accountable. 
Finally, 

"  '  RESOLVED,  That,  on  the  whole,  we  are  glad  and  grateful 
that  we  have  this  secluded  house  to  live  in,  where  we  can 
enjoy  each  other's  rational  society,  and  are  thereby  separated 
from  contact  with  the  insane  people  who  dwell  beyond 
these  walls.' " 

"Well,  Judge,"  said  the  Doctor,  "I  am  not  sure  but  the 
Bedlamites  have  the  right  of  it,  after  all.  Who  can  tell 
who  are  the  mad  ones — those  in  Bedlam  or  those  out  of 
it  ?  The  latter  happen  to  have  the  majority  now ;  but  sup 
pose  the  former  should  go  on  increasing  as  they  have  done 
of  late,  and  what  is  to  hinder  their  being  yet  in  the  ma 
jority;  and  when  they  become  so,  what  is  to  hinder  their 
walking  out  of  their  asylums,  voting  ordinary  folks  crazy, 
and  shutting  them  all  up  in  the  cells  they  have  just  aban 
doned?" 

Here  the  Doctor  burst  into  laughing,  and  in  the  midst  of 
his  loud  and  long  "ho!  ho!  ho!"  rolled  about  in  his  chair 
with  great  mirth,  and  varied  his  graceful  attitude  by  bring 
ing  down  his  right  foot  upon  the  floor,  and  throwing  the  left 
one  over  the  other  chair  arm. 

"Do  you  know,"  he  continued,  "you  fellows  in  your  pres 
ent  muscular  infatuation,  inspecting  your  carcasses  anxiously, 
day  by  day,  to  see  if  your  arms  and  chests  are  growing 
bigger — like  the  little  boy  that  pulled  up  the  plant  every 


138  TEE    ATHLETIC    CLUB 

morning  to  see  if  it  had  grown  any  during  the  night — you 
fellows  remind  me  of  that  chap  in  the  Blitheciale  Romance — 
see,  what  was  his  name  ? — yes,  Miles  Coverdale,  who,  in  his 
pride  of  muscle,  declared  that  he  would  have  his  portrait 
painted  in  his  shirt  sleeves,  with  the  sleeves  rolled  up,  to 
show  his  muscular  development.     Ho !  ho !  ho !     I  confess  to 
you,  Judge,  that  I  now  go  out  into  the  streets  every  morning 
with  fear  and  trembling,   lest  I  should  see   you  and  your 
brother  maniacs,  in  the  pride  of  your  muscular  development, 
and  in  your  anxiety  to  show  it  off,  actually  returning  to  the 
fig-leaf  costume  !     Pardon  me,  now ;  but  I  am  on  the  point 
of    saying    something    rough.        Bemember,     however,    I 
expressly  soften  it  by  this  modification — it  do  n't  apply  to 
every  body  in  this  room.     But,  really,  when  I  see  some  of 
you  conceited  gymnasts  fuming  and  strutting  because  of  your 
big  muscles,  I  think  of  the  retort  which  Cato  gave  to  that 
brawny  old  earth-cumberer,  Milo.     The  latter,  in  his  old  age, 
looked  sorrowfully  at  his  arms,  and  exclaimed:  'They  are 
dead !'     *  Not  so  dead  as  you  are,  you  old  fool !'  was  Cato's 
reply;  'you  never  were  good  for  any  thing  but  for  your 
shoulders  and  flanks.'     Your  people  once  laughed  at  me  in 
an  idiotic  way  because  I  quoted  a  Greek  sentence  to  you. 
Well,  I  suppose  you  will  laugh  nearly  as  much  if  I  quote  a 
Latin  one.     But  laugh  on !     What  else  can  sense  and  learn 
ing  expect  to  receive  from  men  all  gone  to  muscle?     But 
hold !    I  see  my  friend  the  Schoolmaster  in  the  crowd.    He  '11 
appreciate  this.     It's  from  his  friend  Sallust.     So  listen,  you 
poor   degenerate  Christians,  devoting   your  energies  to  the 
exaltation  of  the  animal  over  the  intellectual,  and  learn  how 


A    CATASTROPHE.  139 

superior  a  certain  old  Pagan  was  to  you:  c Igitur  pradara 
fades,  magnet  divitia,  ad  hoc  vis  corporis,  alia  hujusce  modi,  omnia 
Irevi  dilaluntur ;  at  ingenii  egregia  facinora,  sicida  anima,  immor- 
talia  sunt?  There !  if  you  want  to  possess  one  sane  idea,  get 
the  Schoolmaster  to  translate  that  for  you." 
.  The  last  few  words  of  the  Doctor  were  partially  lost  in 
loud  screams  and  in  the  confused  sounds  of  many  voices 
from  the  Hall  of  Exercise,  where  a  number  of  our  members 
are  accustomed  to  practice  for  half  an  hour  before  the  lite 
rary  meetings  of  the  Club.  Though  we  could  not  distinguish 
a  word  from  the  midst  of  these  outcries,  we  were  startled  by 
their  tone  of  terror.  In  a  moment  hurried  footsteps  sounded 
in  the  lobby  and  on  the  stairway,  and  in  another  moment  a 
troop  of  frightened  ladies,  girls,  and  boys  came  bursting  into 
the  Library.  Their  entrance  did  not  add  to  our  understand 
ing  of  the  case,  except  that  it  confirmed  us  in  the  impression 
that  something  dreadful  had  happened  below;  for  they 
exclaimed  together  in  a  tumultuous  jumble  of  voices:  "Gh! 
oh!  Judge  Fairplay!  awful!  dreadful!  Oh!  oh!  broke  his 
neck !  Leonidas  Climax !  Oh !  come !  Doctor !  Oh !  awful ! 
shocking!"  *Dr.  Drugger,  comprehending  that  there  was 
work  for  him  to  do,  was  pushing  his  way  through  the  crowd, 
when  a  small  "  contraband,"  whom  our  soldiers  picked  up  in 
North  Carolina  and  brought  home  with  them,  and  who  has 
latterly  made  himself  useful  in  our  Club  House  as  a  servant 
of  all  work,  reached  the  head  of  the  stairs,  and  shouted  in 
tones  audible  above  all  the  clamor:  "Oh,  Massa  Fairplay, 
come  dis  way !  Massa  Climack  hab  broke  all  de  bones  in  his 
bressed  body." 


140  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

"There,"  said  the  Doctor,  turning  with  a  comical  look  to 
the  Judge,  "  did  n't  I  tell  you  that  your  gymnasium  would 
furnish  a  glorious  increase  of  business  for  me  ?"  and  with  tjie 
discharge  of  this  Parthian  arrow  he  bolted  down  stairs  to 
the  scene  of  the  disaster.  The  rest  of  us  followed  as  fast  as 
we  could,  and  on  reaching  the  hall  we  found  the  Doctor 
leaning  over  Leonidas  Climax,  who  lay  in  a  fainting  state 
upon  the  floor,  while  several  of  his  fellow  gymnasts  stood 
around,  anxious  to  be  of  some  service,  and  just  succeeding 
in  shutting  off  the  air  from  him. 

"Is  he  severely  hurt?"  said  Judge  Fairplay,  after  a  few 
moments. 

"No,  not  seriously;  he  has  only  broken  his  arm." 

"What  a  pity,"  whispered  one  of  the  members  to  me, 
"  what  a  pity  that  it  was  not  his  jaw !" 

It  was  not  long  before  the  prostrate  orator  revived  from  his 
fainting  fit ;  and  Dr.  Drugger  set  and  bound  the  arm  with 
his  usual  skill  and  rapidity.  Meantime  Judge  Fairplay's 
carriage  had  been  sent  for  and  was  waiting  at  the  door; 
so  that  the  illustrious  Leonidas  was  carried  in  state  safely  to 
his  boarding-house.  It  appears  that  a  class  o£  young  men, 
of  whom  he  was  one,  were  practicing  at  the  horizontal  bar ; 
and  Leonidas,  smitten  as  usual  with  "  a  vaulting  ambition" 
to  make  a  display  of  himself  before  the  spectators,  "o'er- 
leaped"  the  bar,  and  fell  not  only  on  "  t'  other  side,"  but  on 
his  left  arm,  too ! 

So  soon  as  the  accident  occurred,  and  before  the  extent  of 
it  was  known,  many  of  the  younger  people  in  their  panic 
ran  into  the  street,  and  as  they  passed  toward  their  homes 


A    CATASTROPHE.  141 

they  spread  all  sorts  of  mid  stories  as  to  the  catastrophe, 
so  that  in  a  few  moments  the  Club  House  was  filled  with 
anxious  villagers,  pale  with  alarm,  and  eagerly  inquiring 
if  "Leonidas  Climax  had  died  immediately  after  his  fall," 
and  "whether  the  corpse  was  in  Judge  Fairplay's  car 
riage." 

"Well,"  said  one  villager,  "I  guess  Dr.  Drugger  was 
pretty  near  right,  after  all,  about  these  gymnastic  fandan 
goes.  He  told  us  they  'd  make  work  for  him." 

And  one  good  motherly  woman,  red  and  puffing  with 
running  and  excitement,  exclaimed :  "  Oh,  dear  me !  what 
a  dreadful  thing  this  here  horrid  gymnasium  is  going  to  be ! 
It  '11  surely  murder  and  kill  all  our  dear  children,  and  break 
their  bones  too !  My  little  Freddy  shall  never  enter  this 
shocking  wicked  place  as  long  as  he  lives  !" 

In  the  midst  of  this  hubbub  and  panic,  Judge  Fairplay, 
Parson  Bland,  and  others,  walked  about  among  the  people, 
and  did  much  to  allay  the  excitement  by  giving  a  correct 
version  of  the  affair,  and  dispelling  the  distorted  reports  that 
had  been  spread.  To  the  honor  of  Dr.  Drugger  be  it  said, 
that,  after  having  attended  to  the  wounded  orator,  he  also 
helped  to  check  the  general  alarm  by  assuring  the  people,  in 
his  cool,  self-poised  way,  that  "  it  was  not  a  serious  fracture, 
and  that  the  young  man  would  be  around  again  all  right  in 
a  few  days,  more  eloquent  than  ever." 

Word  being  given  that,  notwithstanding  the  accident, 
the  meeting  of  the  Club  would  take  place  as  usual  in 
the  Library,  there  was  a  general  movement  of  the  peo 
ple  in  that  direction,  partly  from  curiosity  to  see  what 


142  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

could  now  be  said,  after  such  a  tremendous  counter  de 
monstration,  in  favor  of  the  bone-breaking  practice  of  gym 
nastics. 

The  meeting  was  opened  in  the  usual  formal  and  par 
liamentary  manner,  a  fact  which  alone  contributed  a  sort 
of  calming  influence.  Then  several  items  of  prosaic  busi 
ness  were  deliberately  attended  to;  and,  finally,  the  Chair 
man  said : 

"  The  question  prepared  for  our  discussion  to-night  is  this : 
'Is  it  desirable  to  engage  a  professional  Gymnastic  Teacher 
for  the  next  year  ?'  But  the  unfortunate  occurrence  in  the 
early  part  of  the  evening  has  furnished  us  with  a  different 
subject — that  of  'Danger  in  Gymnastics.'  It  is  best  for  us 
to  face  that  subject,  now  that  it  has  intruded  itself  upon  us. 
Our  minds  are  turned  in  that  direction.  The  law  of  success 
ful  mental  labor  is  to  take  hold  of  the  subject  which  lies 
nearest  to  you. 

"  On  the  theme,  then,  which  has  been  thrust  upon  us  to 
night,  I  have  a  few  words  to  say. 

"  I  do  not  deny,  I  have  never  denied,  that  there  is  danger 
in  the  practice  of  gymnastics. 

"  With  this  general  admission,  I  do,  however,  insist  upon 
certain  qualifying  clauses.  1.  Whatever  danger  exists  in 
gymnastics  belongs  almost  exclusively  to  those  exercises 
which  are  acrobatic.  There  is  absolutely  no  danger  at 
tending  the  Dio  Lewis  Gymnastics;  there  is  next  to  none 
attending  a  multitude  of  exercises  in  the  heavy  system. 
If,  therefore,  you  desire  to  get  exercise,'  and  to  run  no 


A    CATASTROPHE.  143 

risk,  you  can  confine  yourselves  to  the  non-acrobatic  move 
ments. 

"  2.  Even  the  acrobatic  movements  are  comparatively  safe 
to  those  who  approach  them  gradually,  and  with  due  disci 
pline  on  the  preliminary  exercises.  Accidents  generally 
happen  to  those  who,  from  impatience  or  ostentation,  hurry 
beyond  their  depth. 

"3.  Granting  that  there  is  a  certain  amount  of  danger  in 
gymnastics,  does  it  follow  that  we  should  condemn  and 
abandon  them?  By  no  means.  There  is  danger  every 
where  in  this  world,  and  in  every  thing.  There  is  danger  in 
taking  a  walk,  a  drive,  a  ride ;  there  is  danger  in  base  ball, 
in  cricket,  in  boating,  in  swimming,  in  skating,  even  in 
croquet.  But  you  all  say  of  these  things  that  the  good  to  be 
got  out  them  more  than  counterbalances  the  danger  attend 
ing  them.  I  insist  that  the  same  may  be  said  and  ought  to 
be  said  of  gymnastics. 

"4.  I  boldly  declare  that  danger  is  a  very  desirable  ele 
ment  in  exercise.  There  is  a  precious  discipline  in  danger. 
Of  course,  regard  should  be  had  to  the  years  and  judgment 
of  the  gymnast ;  but  I  consider  no  man  educated  who  is  not 
educated  to  meet  danger,  grapple  with  it,  and  conquer  it. 
And  any  system  of  gymnastics  which  leaves  out  danger  is  an 
emasculated  system.  There  is  a  whole  hemisphere  of  mag 
nificent  faculties  which  such  a  system  does  not  touch — the 
cool  eye,  the  unquivering  nerve,  the  steadfast  grip,  the  uner 
ring  thrust,  the  infallible  spring. 

"But  what  I  am  saying  upon  this  subject  is  tame  and 
lame  compared  with  what  has  been  said  upon  it  by  one  of  the 


144  TRE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

greatest  lining  masters  of  English,  prose.  You  can  not  fail  to 
know  whom  I  refer  to.  You  already  know  my  enthusiasm 
for  our  splendid  Col.  Higginson — my  enthusiasm  for  him, 
both  as  a  gymnast  and  as  a  literary  artist,  There,  Thomp 
son,  you  are  nearest  the  shelf;  kindly  hand  me  clown  the 
'  Out-door  Papers ' — that  most  exquisite,  wise,  and  gracious 
Bible  of  Physical  Education.  I  know  the  book  almost  by 
heart ;  but  I  will  read  from  the  chapter  on  '  Gymnastics '  the 
passage  which,  as  you  will  see,  states  with  a  beautiful  and 
forcible  eloquence  what  I  have  just  uttered  so  inadequately. 
Let  me  see — here  it  is  : 

"'An  objection  frequently  made  to  the  gymnasium,  and 
especially  by  anxious  parents,  is  the  supposed  danger  of  acci 
dents.  But  this  peril  is  obviously  inseparable  from  all  phy 
sical  activity.  If  a  man  never  leaves  his  house,  the  chances 
undoubtedly  are  that  he  will  never  break  his  leg,  unless  upon 
the  stairway ;  but  if  he  is  always  to  stay  in  the  house  he 
might  as  well  have  no  legs  at  all.  Certainly  we  incur 
danger  every  time  we  go  out  of  the  front  door ;  but  to  remain 
always  on  the  inside  would  prove  the  greatest  danger  of  the 
whole.  When  a  man  slips  in  the  streets  and  dislocates  his 
arm,  we  do  not  warn  him  against  walking,  but  against  care 
lessness.  When  a  man  is  thrown  from  his  horse  and  grati 
fies  the  surgeons  by  a  beautiful  case  of  compound  fracture, 
we  do  not  advise  him  to  avoid  a  riding  school,  but  to  go  to 
one.  Trivial  accidents  are  not  uncommon  in  the  gymnasium, 
severe  ones  are  rare,  fatal  ones  almost  unheard  of — which  is 
far  more  than  can  be  said  of  riding,  driving,  hunting,  boat 
ing,  skating,  or  even  coasting  on  a  sled.  Learning  gymnas- 


A    CATASTROPHE.  145 

tics  is  like  learning  to  swim — you  incur  a  small  temporary 
risk  for  the  sake  of  acquiring  powers  that  will  lessen  your 
risks  in  the  end.  Your  increased  strength  and  agility  will 
carry  you  past  many  unseen  perils  hereafter,  and  the  invigo 
rated  tone  of  your  system  will  make  accidents  less  important 
if  they  happen.  Some  trifling  sprain  causes  lameness  for 
life,  some  slight  blow  brings  on  wasting  disease,  to  a  person 
whose  health  is  merely  negative,  not  positive,  while  a  well- 
trained  frame  throws  it  off  in  twenty-four  hours.  It  is 
almost  proverbial  of  the  gymnasium,  that  it  cures'  its  own 
wounds.'  " 

The  effect  produced  by  this  speech  was  most  happy.  The 
subject  being  thus  opened  for  discussion,  a  large  number  of 
our  members  took  part  in  it.  Among  the  rest,  our  old 
friend,  Abdiel  Standish  made  a  few  remarks : 

"  God  'Imighty  seems  to  have  fitted  up  this  world  with 
man-traps  of  all  sorts  and  sizes.  Some  are  on  land,  some  on 
water,  some  in  the  air,  and  some  under  ground.  But  thai* 
they  are ;  and  every  body  which  lives  in  the  etarnal  world 
has  jist  got  to  run  the  risk  o'  gittin'  into  'em.  I  s'pose  they 
wus  put  here  fur  some  good  purpus — prob'ly  to  make  folks 
keep  their  wits  about  'em,  and  not  go  sleepin'  and  blunderin' 
through  life.  And  I  s'pose  one  objick  of  a  gymnasium  is  jist 
to  larn  our  young  folks  how  to  go  out  into  a  world  full  o' 
man-traps  and  not  fall  into  'em. 

"I  've  heerd  some  folks  here  to-night  say  that  for  their 
part  they  won't  never  come  near  this  gymnasium  agin,  be 
cause  it 's  dangerous.  They  'mind  me  of  a  Dutchman  down 
7 


146  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

to  New  York  who  was  telling  that  he  once  belonged  to  a  fish 
ing  party,  of  whom  all  got  drowned  'xcept  hisself.  Some 
body  asked  him  how  it  was  that  he  escaped.  *  0}  I  shust 
staid  at  home  and  did  n't  go  mit  der  barty.'  Wai,  it 's  sartain 
that  a  man  won't  get  drowned  if  he  never  goes  near  the 
water ;  but  then  if  he  never  goes  near  the  water  he  '11  never 
ketch  any  fish.  So  a  man  '11  never  break  his  arm  in  a  gym 
nasium  if  he  never  goes  near  one ;  but  then  perhaps  he  '11 
suffer  forty  times  as  much  from  dyspepsy  for  stayin'  away." 

After  a  great  variety  of  opinions  had  been  expressed  on 
both  sides,  the  discussion  was  closed  by  Parson  Bland,  who 
made  some  very  sensible  remarks.  He  said  that  "A  gymna 
sium  was  very  much  like  the  great  world  outside  of  it ;  in 
either  place,  if  a  man  blundered  from  folly,  rashness,  or  im 
patience,  he  had  to  suffer  for  it.  Nor  was  a  gymnasium 
an  instrument  merely  for  cultivating  muscle,  but  for  culti 
vating  self-possession  also,  concentration,  courage.  Is  it  not 
most  important  to  cultivate  courage  ?  Certainly !  *Well, 
then,  it  is  impossible  to  cultivate  courage  except  by  exercis 
ing  it ;  but  there  is  no  exercise  for  courage  where  there  is  no 
danger.  Of  course,  there  must  be  prudence,  discrimination, 
common  sense,  in  the  gymnasium,  as  everywhere  else. 

"  Judge  Fairplay  has  given  us  a  quotation  from  that  noble 
book  of  Wentworth  Higginson's,  the  '  Out-door  Papers.'  If 
the  Judge  will  pass  the  book  this  way  I  will  read  another 
brief  passage  bearing  upon  the  present  subject.  It  is  on  (he 
chapter  entitled  '  Physical  Courage  :' 

"  *  Once  rouse  the  enthusiasm  of  the  will,  and  courage  can 
be  systematically  disciplined.  Emerson's  maxim  gives  the 


A    CATASTROPHE.  147 

•* 

best  regimen :  "  Always  do  what  you  are  afraid  to  do."  If 
your  lot  is  laid  amid  scenes  of  peace,  then  carry  your  maxim 
into  the  arts  of  peace.  Are  you  afraid  to  swim  that  river  ? 
then  swim  it.  Are  you  afraid  to  leap  that  fence  ?  then  leap 
it.  Do  you  shrink  from  the  dizzy  height  of  yonder  magnifi 
cent  pine  ?  then  climb  it,  and  throw  down  the  top,  as  they  do 
in  the  forests  of  Maine.  Goethe  cured  himself  of  dizziness 
by  ascending  the  lofty  stagings  of  the  Frankfort  carpenters. 
Nothing  is  insignificant  that  is  great  enough  to  alarm  you. 
If  you  can  not  think  of  a  grizzly  bear  without  a  shudder, 
then  it  is  almost  worth  your  while  to  travel  to  the  Rocky 
Mountains  to  encounter  the  reality.' 

"I  have  only  this  to  add.  Gymnasts,  are  you  afraid, 
owing  to  what  has  happened  this  evening,  to  whirl  on  the 
parallel  bar  ?  Then  join  me  immediately  after  this  meeting, 
and  let  us  go  and  whirl  on  it." 

The  meeting  immediately  broke  up;  and  nearly  every 
young  fellow  followed  the  idolized  minister  into  the  Hall  of 
Exercise,  and  grappled  with  the  ghost  that  threatened  to 
scare  so  many  people  away. 

As  the  company  finally  dispersed  in  great  glee,  I  heard  one 
quiet  villager  say .  to  his  neighbor :  "  Wai,  whoever  gits 
ahead  o'  these  gymnasts  has  got  to  git  up  purty  airly  in  the 
mornin',  and  carry  a  good  many  guns  all  day !" 


IX. 

OUE    QUESTION    BOX. 

BBAWNVILLE,  August  21,  1866. 
((  ANE  half  of  the  world  does  not  know  how  the  other 

\j  half  practices  gymnastics."  This  was  Judge  Fair- 
play's  abrupt  remark  to-night,  as  he  took  a  small,  foreign- 
looking  volume  from  the  table  and  began  turning  over  its 
leaves.  We  had  just  finished  the  formal  business  of  the 
meeting, 'and  had  reached  what  we  have  learned  to  consider 
as  its  conversational  stage ;  and  we  all  understood,  by  the 
quiet,  yet  startling  way  in  which  the  Judge  uttered  that 
single  sentence,  that  he  had  something  more  to  say  to  us. 

"  Every  body  has  heard  of  German  Gymnastics,"  continued 
the  Judge,  as  he  kept  fumbling  with  the  leaves  of  the  book, 
"  and  of  Swedish  Gymnastics,  and  of  Greek  Gymnastics ;  but 
where  's  the  man  among  us  who  ever  heard  of  Persian  Gym 
nastics  ?  Who  can  give  us  a  description  of  an  Athletic  Club 
House  among  the  Fire  Worshipers  ?  Do  you  give  it  up  ? 
Do  you  admit  yourselves  floored?  Well,  there  is  one  sure 
rule  I  can  give  you  for  ascertaining  any  thing  you  wish  to 
know,  whether  concerning  the  earth  or  the  things  under 
the  earth,  or  the  things  above  the  earth — go  to  the  Germans. 
(148) 


OUR    QUESTION    SOX.  149 

Their  forte  is  omniscience.  They  have  written  a  book  on 
every  conceivable  and  inconceivable  subject.  As  George 
Henry  Lewes  has  said :  *  The  Germans  have  written  de 
omne  scilik — et  scribile?  Now,  do  you  know,  'I  hold  in  my 
hand,'  as  the  speech-makers  say,  a  book  written  by  one  of 
this  all-knowing  race.  It  is  by  Niebuhr.  Let  me  tell  you 
its  title — you  will  be  charmed  with  it:  ' Reisebeschreilmng 
nach  AralienS  I  want  to  know  whether  the  Persians  prac 
tice  gymnastics.  No  mortal  with  an  English  tongue  in  his 
head  can  tell  me ;  so  I  go  to  this  wise  fellow  with  a  German 
tongue,  and  he  tells  me  all  I  require  to  know.  Just  listen  a 
moment,  while  I  translate  a  short  passage:  'The  Persians 
have  houses  which  they  call  Siirclione — the  Home  of 
Strength — into  which  any  one  may  go  to  make  exhibition  of 
his  strength.  The  first  exercise  which  was  used,  consisted 
in  placing  the  hands  and  feet  on  the  ground,  and  stretching 
them  as  far  as  possible  from  each  other,  without  touching  the 
ground  with  the  stomach.  While  in  this  position  a  circle 
was  described  with  the  head,  and,  after  every  second  circle 
was  completed,  the  diameter  also.  Some  did  this  at  least 
eighty  times.  Then  some  took  in  each  hand  a  large  piece  of 
wood,  and  moved  it  in  different  directions  on  their  shoulders, 
forward  and  backward.  Some  pushed  with  their  feet  against 
a  board  placed  obliquely  against  a  wall,  and  some  walked 
about  on  their  hands  on  the  floor.  Many  began  to  spring 
about,  sometimes  on  one  foot,  sometimes  on  both,  and  this 
as  strongly  as  possible,  in  order  to  exercise  the  body  more. 
Some  laid  themselves  on  their  backs,  with  cushions  under 
their  heads  and  arms,  and  in  that  position  raised  in  each 


150  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 


hand  a  very  heavy  piece  of  wood,  according  to  a  certain  tune 
that  was  played  to  them.  Pew  performed  this,  as  it  required 
uncommon  strength.  The  teacher  then  placed  them  all  in  a 
row,  and  made  them  go  through  a  great  variety  of  different 
motions,  which,  however,  I  am  unable  to  describe.  After 
this  they  began  to  wrestle  in  pairs,  and,  when  one  was  thrown 
flat  on  the  ground,  he  reverentially  kissed  his  conqueror's 
hand.  No  blows  were  given,  however,  as  the  English  do 
when  they  box.' 

"  There !  What  do  you  think  of  the  state  of  Muscular 
Christianity  among  these  Pagans  of  the  East  ?  By  the  bye, 
those  fellows  who  lift  heavy  pieces  of  wood  '  according  to'  a 
certain  tune  that  is  played  to  them,'  seem  to  have  worked 
oat  for  themselves  the  idea  of  music  as  an  aid  to  gymnastics ; 
and  their  case  proves  that  the  plan  of  setting  a  tune  to  the 
movements  of  the  body  is  not  the  peculiar  invention  of  Freu- 
bel  and  Dio  Lewis.  However,  I  must  not  delay  longer  to 
open  the  Question  Box,  and  see  with  what  queries  you  pro 
pose  to  puzzle  me  to-night." 

With  this  last  remark,  the  Judge  drew  toward  him  a  little 
square  mahogany  box  which  is  now  kept  standing  on  the 
Library  table,  and  is  used,  as  its  name  implies,  as  a  deposi 
tory  for  written  questions  upon  athletic  and  sanitary  topics, 
about  which  any  member  may  desire  to  ask  the  President. 
There  is  a  narrow  aperture  in  the  cover  through  which  the 
communications  are  dropped ;  and  once  a  month  the  Judge 
opens  the  box  in  the  presence  of  the  Club,  and  delivers  his 
views  upon  the  topics  thus  suggested. 


OUR     QUESTION    BOX.  151 


MONKS    AND    GYMNASTICS. 

"The  first  question  which  I  fish  out  from  this  pool  is 
expressed  as  follows : 

"  '  Sin — On  a  recent  occasion  you  stated,  incidentally,  that 
the  influence  of  the  early  monks  and  ascetics  of  the  Church 
was  unfavorable  to  respect  for  the  body  and  to  a  just  care  for 
its  welfare.  Please  to  explain  this.' 

"Well,  it  appears  that  in  the  early  centuries  of  the  Chris 
tian  Church  there  were  tribes  of  ascetics  and  anchorites, 
assuming,  indeed,  the  Christian  name,  but  actually  appearing 
to  be  ashamed  that  they  had  bodies  at  all.  They  seem  to 
have  imbibed  that  dogma  of  Oriental  Paganism  which  taught 
that  matter  is  the  very  essence  and  principle  of  evil.  By  a 
very  obvious  logic,  and  with  the  most  religious  zeal,  they 
concluded  that  their  duty  was  to  scourge  and  to  lacerate  their 
bodies ;  to  starve,  neglect,  insult,  and  maltreat  them  as  a 
service  of  piety.  Even  Luther,  who  emancipated  his  soul 
from  so  many  superstitions,  was  still  so  much  of  a  monk 
that  he  condemned,  as  a  Pagan  maxim,  Juvenal's  magnifi 
cent,  though  now  horribly  hackneyed  motto :  Mens  sana  in 
corpora  sano.  I  remember  reading  of  one  old  monk  who 
wanted  to  express  his  abhorrence  for  his  body  by  both  words 
and  deeds,  and  who  accordingly  named  his  body  '  Balaam's 
Ass,'  and  used  to  rise  several  times  every  night  to  beat  it. 
Of  course,  during  all  those  ages  when  the  influence  of  mo 
nastic  sentiments  predominated  over  Christendom,  we  can 
not  expect  to  find  any  traces  of  gymnastic  culture,  or  of  any 


152  THE    ATHLETIC    CLU£. 


attention,  in  any  form  of  benefit,  to  the  poor,  despised,  and 
detested  body.  It  was  a  sign  of  saintliness  to  be  dirty, 
crooked,  sallovr,  emaciated,  and  a  propagator  of  intolerable 
stench.  After  a  man  was  baptized  he  had  no  further  exter 
nal  use  for  water. 

MODEEN   CONTEMPT   FOE   THE   BODT. 

11  And  it  is  worth  a  moment's  delay  to  consider  some  mod 
ern  remnants  of  this  old  monastic  horror  of  living  flesh  and 
blood.  For,  although  this  religious  scorn  of  the  body  may 
be  no  longer  distinctly  avowed,  either  by  sects  or  by  individ 
uals,  I  appeal  to  you,  is  there  not  diffused  through  Christen 
dom  a  vague,  almost  unconscious,  yet  very  operative  senti 
ment  that  our  corporal  natures  are  in  some  special  sense 
unworthy,  accursed,  mean,  dispicable,  the  source  and  avenue 
of  sin?  How  many  Christian  hymns  are  heavy  with  this 
chant  of  pious  horror  at  the  poor  body !  How  many 
Christian  homilies  point  the  finger  of  saintly  scorn  and  the 
arrow  of  ominous  warning  at  our  physical  natures!  How 
many  Christian  prayers  bewail  the  sinfulness  of  the  body, 
instead  of  the  sinfulness  of  the  soul,  and  complacently  pass 
over  to  the  blame  of  the  former  errors  and  crimes  which 
spring  from  a  proud,  a  discontented,  an  ambitious,  a  selfish, 
an  undisciplined  disposition ! 

"Now  all  this  may  be  very  good  Paganism,  but  I  fervently 
object  to  its  being  sheltered  under  the  venerable  and  joyous 
shield  of  Christianity. 

"  Matter  is  not  the  principle  of  evil.  Matter  has  no  prop 
erty  which  is  sin.  Matter  has  no  moral  property  at  all. 


OUR     QUESTION    £OX.  153 

Matter  the  'principle  of  evil!'  Monstrous!  Why,  matter 
is  the  creation  of  God ;  and  it  would  be  simply  blasphemous 
to  suppose  that  God  created  the  'principle  of  evil.' 

"  And  we  read  in  a  certain  grand  old  volume  that  -when 
God  had  finished  this  material  world,  with  all  its  beautiful 
kingdoms  of  vegetable,  animal,   and  human  life,  he  smiled 
his  benediction  upon  it  and  called  it  GOOD.     Our  bodies  are 
but  a  portion  of  that  material  universe  which  thus  received 
the  divine  approbation.     An  inspired  writer  stands  in  awe 
before  the  marvelous  framework  of  the  body,  and  reverently 
speaks  of  it  as  something  '  fearfully  and  wonderfully  made.' 
The  Apostle  exhorts  us  to  '  present  our  bodies  a  living  sacri 
fice  unto  God,  holy  and  acceptable,  which  is  our  reasonable 
service.'     Would  it  be  possible  to  do  this  if  our  bodies  were 
the  very  '  principle  of  evil  ?'     Finally,  this — this —  seems  the 
very  spirit  of  Christianity,  that  all  God's  gifts  to  us,  whether 
material  or  spiritual,  are  good,  are  sacred,   and  are  to  be 
revered  in  honor  of  the  Giver ;  that  sin  does  not  consist  in 
the  gift,  but  in  the  misuse  of  the  gift ;  that  our  bodies,  being 
made  by  God  and  given  by  God,  are  in  themselves,  in  texture 
and  structure,  good;  that  this  old,  lurking,  mediaeval,  mo 
nastic  contempt  for  the  body  is  really  an  insult  and  an  ingrat 
itude  to  the   Giver  of   the  body;    that  our  bodies   contain 
infinite  proofs  of  the  divine  beneficence,  wisdom,  and  power, 
and  that  therefore  they  are  never  to  be  scorned,  nicknamed, 
scourged,  and  neglected,  but  are  to  be  cherished  as  sacred, 
with  religious  fidelity,  gratitude,  and  awe.     And  thus  obedi 
ence  to  the  laws  on  which  the  body's  health  depends  becomes 
a  matter  of  religious  obligation." 
7* 


154  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 


SANITARY    REFORM. 

"Now  for  the  next  question."  Here  the  Judge  put  his 
hand  into  the  box  and  drew  forth  another  scrap  of  paper. 
"  '  What  is  the  scope  of  sanitary  reform  ?'  Ah  !  I  can  give 
you  a  beautiful  answer  to  that  question.  It  is  an  answer 
•which  I  remember  as  occurring  in  a  lecture  by  that  once  glo 
rious  Muscular  Christian,  Charles  Kingsley.  'Sanitary  re 
form,'  said  Kingsley,  with  felicitous  alliteration,  *  is  a  sacred 
crusade  against  dirt,  degradation,  disease,  and  death !'  What 
can  be  desired  better  than  that  ?  Alas,  that  the  author  of 
*  Alton  Locke'  should  become  the  apologist  of  Governor 
Eyre,  the  champion  of  a  pro-slavery  rebellion  and  a  toady  to 
Toryism !" 

FISHING   FOR   MEN. 
"  What  have  we  next  ?     Why,  it  is  quite  an  epistle. 

"  *  SIR — Can  you  interpret  to  us  the  meaning  of  the  follow 
ing  sentence,  which  I  lately  read  in  the  works  of  a  distin 
guished  living  author.  The  statement  seems  reasonable ; 
but  I  should  like  to  know  if  there  are  any  facts  to  illustrate 
and  confirm  it.  This  is  the  sentence :  "  We  may  as  well 
throw  our  money  into  the  gutter,  or  go  to  fighting  windmills, 
as  to  try  to  make  our  poor  fellow  creatures  better  while  we 
neglect  their  physical  condition.  I  weary  of  the  old  dole  of 
charity  which  is  lost  in  the  increasing  miseries  of  the  age." 
"'  Yours,  obediently,  BOOKWORM.' 

"Well,  Mr.  Bookworm,  I  wonder  how  you  could  worn* 


OUR     QUESTION    BOX.  155 

through  books  for  any  length  of  time  and  not  find  multitudes  of 
facts  to  exemplify  that  statement.  At  this  instant  I  recall  a 
story  pertinent  to  the  case  from  Neander.  It  occurs  in  his 
Church  History,  and,  I  think,  in  the  third  volume.  By  the 
way,  have  n't  we  Neander  on  our  shelves  ?  Yes,  to  be  sure  we 
have.  Hand  me,  please,  friend  Thompson,  the  third  volume, 
and  I  '11  read  you  something  which  shows  the  importance  of 
physical  relief  as  preparatory  to  spiritual,  and  contributing 
to  it.  Here  's  the  passage  the  first  thing :  '  Last  of  all,  the 
provinces  of  Sussex  [Eng.]  were  converted  to  Christianity. 
Their  King,  it  is  true,  had  been  baptized  before;  but  the 
people  continued  still  to  be  devoted  to  their  old  idolatry ;  and 
a  few  Scottish  monks,  who  had  founded  a  monastery  in  the 
wilderness  and  led  an  austere  life,  were  unable  by  that 
means  to  gain  the  confidence  of  the  rude  people,  or  to  find 
any  opportunity  of  preaching  to  them  the  Gospel,  It  so  hap 
pened  that  Wilfred,  Archbishop  of  York,  a  descendant  from 
an  English  family,  was  deposed  from  his  office  by  occasion 
of  a  quarrel  with  his  King,  and  he  here  sought  a  field  of 
labor.  He  better  understood  how  to  let  himself  down  to  the 
wants  of  the  untutored  multitude.  On  coming  among  them 
he  found  them  in  circumstances  of  great  distress — a  drought, 
occasioned  by  the  want  of  rain,  having  been  followed  by  a  se 
vere  famine.  The  neighboring  lakes  and  rivers  afforded,  it 
is  true,  abundance  of  fish ;  but  the  rude  people  were  still 
wholly  ignorant  of  the  mode  of  taking  them,  and  only  knew 
a  way  of  fishing  for  eels.  He  caused,  therefore,  all  the 
nets  to  be  collected  together,  and  his  attendants  caught 
three  hundred  fishes  of  different  kinds.  A  third  part  of 


156  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

these  he  distributed  among  the  poor,  another  third  he 
gave  to  those  who  furnished  the  nets,  and  the  remainder 
he  reserved  for  his  companions.  Having  thus,  by  such 
gifts  and  instruction  in  the  art  of  fishing,  relieved  the 
temporal  necessities  of  the  people,  he  found  them  the 
more  inclined  to  receive  instruction  from  him  in  spiritual 
things.' 

"Good  for  old  Wilfred!  He  was  a  prelate  of  common 
sense,  and  that  is  more  than  can  be  said  of  most  prelates. 
He  knew  that  often  the  best  way  to  fish  for  men  was  to  begin 
by  fishing  for  fish.  He  knew  that  he  could  not  get  the  Gos 
pel  into  men's  hearts  while  there  was  so  much  hunger  in 
their  stomachs. 

"Is  there  not  a  sublimer  illustration,  and  one  known  to  all 
men  ?  Was  not  this  the  principle  of  Christ's  ministry  ?  Did 
he  not  devote  himself  primarily  to  the  physical  good  of  the 
people — healing  the  sick,  letting  light  into  sightless  sockets, 
opening  ears  to  the  melody  of  sound,  feeding  the  hungry,  and 
causing  the  lame  to  walk  ? 

"  So  I  look  upon  our  Club  House  as  the  nearest  auxiliary 
to  the  School  and  the  Church.  And  my  friend,  Mr.  Bland, 
wins  many  a  soul  to  the  truth  by  showing  men  how  to  leap 
over  the  wooden  horse,  or  to  whirl  on  the  parallel  bar. 
What  can  the  most  impressive  sermon  do  for  a  man  half 
dead  with  a  torpid  liver  ?  Would  you  save  his  soul  ? — first 
save  his  body.  Would  you  convert  him  from  the  error  of 
his  way  ? — make  him  go  hand  over  hand  up  yonder  inclined 
ladder." 


OUR    QUESTION    BOX.  157 


AN   AFTER-THOUGHT. 

"There  is  an  epigram  of  Bousseau  which  expresses  a  pro 
found  truth,  and  one  bearing  upon  this  very  topic  of  the 
relations  between  Ihe  spiritual  and  the  material  parts  of  our 
nature  :  '  The  stronger  the  body,  the  more  it  obeys ;  the 
weaker  the  body,  the  more  it  commands.' 

'*  Do  you  not  see  how  this  bears  upon  the  question  of  a 
man's  moral  behavior?  What  is  vice — any  vice — but  the 
overwhelming  of  reason  aod  conscience  by  an  anarchy  of 
passion?  But  what  unmoors  the  passions  from  their  true 
places,  and  drives  them  in  tumult  and  lawlessness  upon  each 
other — what  but  bodily  infirmity  ? 

"And  is  this  to  be  tolerated  if  we  can  help  it?  No,  not 
for  a  day ! 

"I  have  read  to  you  to-night  a  description  of  PersiaD 
gymnastics  ;  but  I  remember  something  else  that  is  good 
about  these  same  Persians.  It  is  this  fragment  of  one  of 
their  poems : 

"'Make  his  reason  serve  his  passions? 
That  is  what  man  never  should; 
To  the  Devil's  kitchen  angels 
Never  carry  wood. 

"  Does  any  man  doubt  that  the  weaker  the  body  the  more 
imperious  and  overbearing  it  is?  Why,  Voltaire  declared 
that  the  fate  of  a  nation  has  often  depended  on  the  good  or 
bad  digestion  of  a  prime  minister.  Motley  avers  that  the 
gout  of  Charles  the  Fifth  changed  the  destiny  of  the  world." 


158  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUS. 


MAHTTES    TO    SCIENCE. 

"  Somebody  wants  to  know  *  what  is  meant  by  Martyrs  to 
Science?'  I  can  tell  him.  About  fifty  years  ago  the  sensi 
bilities  of  England  and  America  were  profoundly  and  gener 
ously  stirred  by  the  story,  related  by  Robert  Southey,  of  the 
wonderful  life  and  the  premature  death  of  a  student  at  Cam 
bridge  named  Henry  Kirke  White.  No  doubt  this  story 
owed  not  a  little  of  its  impressiveness  to  the  eminence  of  the 
author  who  told  it,  and  to  the  charms  of  that  exquisite  prose 
of  which  the  Poet  Laureate  was  so  consummate  a  master. 
A  delicate  youth,  born  in  lowly  circumstances,  with  the  glori 
ous  face  and  the  temperament  of  genius,  attracts  to  himself 
the  favor  of  a  wealthy  patron,  and  is  enabled  to  enter  one  of 
the  renowned  universities  of  the  world.  Pensive,  poetical, 
aspiring,  prayerful,  and  bilious,  he  pants  to  satisfy  the  lofty 
expectations  of  his  admirers,  and  succeeds  in  becoming  the 
model  of  a  virtuous  but  romantic  and  lackadaisical  student. 
He  wrestles  with  the  stern  realities  of  the  Calculus,  and 
indites  sonnets  to  the  moon ;  composes  eloquent  hymns  to  his 
Creator  and  madrigals  to  his  lady's  eyebrow ;  writes  polished 
epigrams  in  the  style  of  Horace,  which  show  the  elegance  of 
his  taste,  and  essays  on  Melancholy  in  the  style  of  Addison, 
which  reveal  the  disordered  condition  of  his  liver ;  supplicates 
Heaven  for  the  restoration  of  his  health,  and  denies  himself 
needful  sleep  by  the  help  of  strong  tea,  pins,  and  cold  water 
compresses;  utters  a  pious  ejaculation  before  every  meal,  and 
then  swallows  it  with  a  rapidity  indicative  of  his  contempt 
for  the  functions  of  teeth,  gastric  juice,  and  all  other  carnal 


OUK    QUESTION-  BOX.  159 

things;  gains  all  the  highest  prizes,  amazes  all  the  wisest 
Dons,  violates  all  the  holiest  laws  of  health,  and  dies  in  a 
blaze  of  glory,  a  MARTYR  TO  SCIENCE  ! 

"  Success  is  the  mother  of  imitation ;  and  the  unintended 
evil  of  Kirke  White's  radiant  and  rose-watery  career  infected 
the  colleges  of  Christendom.  Straightway  we  had  a  plague 
of  Kirke  Whitelings  —  emaciated,  long-haired,  big- eyed, 
pious,  and  moony  young  gentlemen,  who  excelled  in  Homer 
and  hypochondria;  cultivated  prayer,  poesy,  and  dyspepsia; 
made  tender  reference  in  rhyme  to  their  lyres,  their  lutes, 
and  their  longings  to  be  no  more ;  sauntered  languishingly 
by  purling  brooks,  when  they  ought  to  have  been  kicking  the 
foot-ball ;  sat  up  burning  an  extravagant  quantity  of  mid 
night  oil,  when  they  had  been  much  more  profitably 
employed  snoring  in  their  bunks;  and,  while  confounding 
the  twinges  of  a  morbid  conscience  with  the  pangs  of  indi 
gestion,  and,  while  mistaking  the  depression  of  abused 
nerves  for  an  angelic  summons  to  leave  this  Yale  of  Tears, 
they  awaited  somewhat  impatiently  the  time  when  they  also 
should  become  Martyrs  to  Science,  bemoaned  and  canonized 
by  the  principal  Parish  Sewing  Societies  of  the  civilized 
world. 

4 'If  this  sort  of  thing  had  continued,  it  is  impossible  to  say 
into  what  a  state  the  literary  world  would  have  descended. 
It  is  probable  that  Science  would  have  come  to  be  synony 
mous  with  Sciatica ;  and  the  word  Learning  would  have  sug 
gested  lankness,  lassitude,  and  long  hair;  the  chief  purpose 
of  going  to  college  would  have  been  to  acquire  the  dead 
languages,  an  interesting  cough,  the  tearful  sympathy  of  old 


160  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

women,  and  an  early  death;  the  royal  road  to  knowledge 
would  have  signified  a  turnpike  leading  into  the  graveyard. 
An  old  scholar  would  have  been  as  rare  as  white  blackbirds 
and  four-leaved  clover,  and  gray  hair  would  have  been  an 
infallible  proof  that  its  possessor  is  an  ignoramus. 

DB.  ARNOLD. 

"Fortunately,  before  the  new  philosophy  had  become 
rooted  in  the  world,  a  great,  robust,  and  manly  scholar, 
Thomas  Arnold,  was  called  to  preside  over  one  of  the  fa 
mous  Foundation  Schools  of  England.  He  was  a  man  who, 
above  all  things,  scorned  cant,  effeminacy,  and  unreality,  and 
he  set  himself,  with  all  the  earnestness  of  his  powerful  nature, 
to  the  task  of  exterminating  this  spirit  of  literary  sickliness. 
He  refused  to  admire  learned  noodles  of  the  Kirke  White 
order ;  he  called  them  by  their  true  names,  not  Martyrs  to 
Science,  but  Suicides  of  Vanity,  Ignorance,  and  Folly.  Sir 
Walter  Scott  wrote  for  one  of  the  chapters  of  The  Monastery 
a  motto  which  depicts  the  sort  of  student  Dr.  Arnold  ab 
horred  : 

"  '  At  school  I  knew  him — a  sharp-witted  youth, 
Grave,  thoughtful,  and  reserved  among  his  mates, 
Turning  the  hours  of  sport  and  food  to  labor — 
Starving  his  body  to  inform  his  mind.' 

What  business  had  the  precocious  little  prig  to  go  on  in 
that  style  ?  When  it  came  play-time,  he  ought  to  play  with 
all  his  might;  when  it  came  dinner-time,  he  ought  to  eat 
with  all  his  might ;  when  it  came  bed- time,  he  ought  to  blow 


OUR     QUESTION    £OX.  161 

out  the  candle  and  go  to  bed  and  sleep  with  all  his  might ! 
And  he  ought  to  be  told  that,  as  to  starving  his  body  in 
order  to  inform  his  mind,  it  was  utter  nonsense  and  wicked 
ness,  and  that  the  next  time  he  was  caught  in  such  silly 
behavior  he  should  have  a  thrashing.  In  this  spirit  Dr. 
Arnold  reprobated,  as  an  impiety,  the  whole  system  of  culti 
vating  one  part  of  our  nature  at  the  expense  of  another.  He 
fought  it  in  the  class-room  and  in  the  chapel ;  he  talked 
against  it,  wrote  against  it,  lectured  against  it,  preached 
against  it.  He  assailed  it  with  texts  of  Scripture,  with  the 
maxims  of  Greek  Ethics,  and  the  verdict  of  Common  Sense. 
He  recalled  the  old  Athenian  phrase,  aperr]  jv^vaonK?] ; 
and  he  told  his  boys  that  just  as  there  was  the  virtue  of 
honesty,  and  the  virtue  of  justice,  and  the  virtue  of  forti 
tude,  and  the  virtue  of  charity,  and  the  virtue  of  reverence, 
so  was  there  the  gymnastic  virtue — the  virtue  of  obedience 
to  the  laws  of  health.  He  told  them  that  this  was  Christian 
truth,  a  portion  of  the  Christianity  which  existed  in  the 
world  before  Christianity  was  born.  He  told  them  that 
good  health  was  of  more  consequence  to  them  than  a  knowl 
edge  of  the  Binomial  Theorem,  or  than  facility  in  the  manu 
facture  of  Latin  hexameters;  that  sound  lungs  and  capa 
ble  stomachs  were  the  necessary  conditions  of  useful  schol 
arship  ;  and  that  they  would  be  displeasing  him,  disap 
pointing  their  friends,  and  disobeying  God,  if  they  postponed 
bodily  vigor  to  the  mistaken  requirements  of  literary 
ambition. 


162  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 


MTJSCULAH    CHRISTIANITY. 

"  I  ain  not  aware  tliat  the  term  Muscular  Christianity  was 
ever  applied  to  Dr.  Arnold,  or  was  ever  used  in  his  time ; 
but- there  can  be  no  doubt  that  it  was  he  who  first  gave  the 
broad  and  wholesome  impulse  which  has  culminated  in  the 
habit  of  thought  described  by  that  facetious  expression,  and 
that  it  was  his  influence  which  produced  such  heroes  and 
scholars  as  Charles  Kingsley,  Dean  Stanley,  and  Thomas 
Hughes — a  race  of  men  as  superior  to  the  type  represented 
by  Kirke  White,  as  Shakspeare  is  superior  to  Tupper,  as 
harmony  and  power  are  to  inanity,  as  physical  jubilance  is  to 
headache  and  heartburn,  as  common  sense  is  to  nonsense,  as 
reality  is  to  moonshine. 

"  What  then  is  Muscular  Christianity  ?  In  its  results,  in 
its  practical  deductions  and  corollaries,  I  have  already 
indicated  what  it  is ;  but  I  will  endeavor  to  present  a  direct 
statement  of  the  fundamental  propositions  on  which  it  is 
based. 

"  Muscular  Christianity  is  Christianity  applied  to  the  treat 
ment  and  use  of  our  bodies.  It  is  an  enforcement  of  the 
laws  of  health  by  the  solemn  sanctions  of  the  New  Testa 
ment. 

4 'In  one  of  the  celebrated  novels  of  Thomas  Hughes  we 
have  an  important  aspect  of  Muscular  Christianity — that  of 
the  right  employment  of  our  physical  energies — presented 
to  us  by  one  of  the  most  illustrious  exponents  of  Muscular 
Christianity.  Mr.  Hughes  distinguishes  between  mere  mus 
cle  men  and  muscular  Christians:  'Both  believe  in  bodily 


OUE     QUESTION    £OX.  163 

strength ;  but  the  former  in  it  without  principle,  and  for  sen 
sual,  selfish,  and  cruel  ends.  Whereas,  so  far  as  I  know, 
the  least  of  the  muscular  Christians  has  hold  of  the  old, 
chivalrous  and  Christian  belief,  that  a  man's  body  is  given, 
him  to  be  trained  and  brought  into  subjection,  and  then  used 
for  the  protection  of  the  weak,  the  advancement  of  all  right 
eous  causes,  and  the  subduing  of  the  earth  which  God  has 
given  to  the  children  of  men.' 

"In  still  another  view  of  the  subject,  Muscular  Christian 
ity  seems  to  me  to  be  a  vindication  of  the  full  nobleness  of 
meaning  contained  in  the  word  Education/  That  glorious 
word,  so  much  used,  so  much  abused,  grasps  within  its  golden 
rim  every  thing  which  can  develop,  strengthen,  harmonize, 
and  intensify,  and  render  effective  all  those  faculties  of  our 
entire  nature,  intellectual  and  corporeal,  which  the  Creator  has 
endowed  us  with ;  and  in  the  logical  application  of  this  truth, 
it  stands  forth  in  assertion  of  the  long-despised  and  repudi 
ated  claims  of  the  body.  It  says  that  since  every  part  of  our 
nature  is  the  sacred  gift  of  God,  he  who  neglects  his  body, 
who  calumniates  his  body,  who  misuses  it,  who  allows  it  to 
grow  up  puny,  frail,  sickly,  mis-shapen,  homely,  commits  a 
sin  against  the  Giver  of  the  body.  Ordinarily,  therefore, 
disease  is  a  sin.  Hound  'shoulders  and  narrow  chests  are 
states  of  criminality.  The  dyspepsia  is  heresy.  The  head 
ache  is  infidelity.  It  is  as  truly  a  man's  moral  duty  to 
have  a  good  digestion,  and  sweet  breath,  and  strong 
arms,  and  stalwart  legs,  and  an  erect  bearing,  as  it  is  to 
read  his  Bible,  or  say  his  prayers,  or  love  his  neighbor  as 
himself. 


161  TRE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

11  Long  creeds,  either  for  churches  or  for  gymnasiums,  are 
stumbling  blocks  and  snares.  The  creed  of  Muscular  Chris 
tianity  is  as  brief  as  it  is  just,  comprehensive,  and  sublime  : 

"ALL   ATTAINABLE   HEALTH   IS    A.   DUTY. 
"ALL   AVOIDABLE    SICKNESS   IS   A   SIN." 


X. 

THE    SCHOOLMASTEE'S    POEM. 

fTIHE  following  letter  from  the  Kev.  Samuel  Bland,  the 
J[  eloquent,  endeared,  and  muscular  Pastor  of  the  Second 
Church  at  Brawnville,  sufficiently  explains  itself,  and  throws 
some  light  upon  the  subjoined  poem. 

BBWNYILLE,  August  2,  1867. 

Mr  DEAE  SIR — Your  valued  epistle  of  the  12th  ultimo, 
asking  for  information  concerning  a  poem  written  by  our 
Schoolmaster,  Mr.  Thomas  Richard  Henry,  has  reached  me. 
Lest  this  long  delay  in  answering  your  letter  should  indicate 
an  unseemly  contempt  for  your  epistolary  favors — a  senti 
ment  as  far  from  my  soul  as  are  the  poles  asunder — I  hasten 
to  explain  to  you  the  cause  of  the  same. 

I  am  not  aware  that  the  New  York  journals  have  particu 
larly  mentioned  the  fact,  but  during  the  past  year  and  a 
half  the  important  office  of  Postmaster  for  this  village  has, 
through  the  interposing  favor  of  President  Johnson  (of  whom 
I  shall  say  nothing,  lest  I  become  subject  to  the  Scriptural 
censure  pronounced  on  those  who  "  speak  evil  of  dignities." 
Vide  II  Peter,  ii.  10;  tierwn,  Jude,  viii),  passed  into  the 

165) 


166  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

hands  of  our  distinguished  and  godly  fellow-citizen,  Deacon 
Snipp.  It  must,  indeed,  be  freely  admitted  by  us,  that  the 
previous  incumbent  of  the  office  had  really  no  claims  upon 
the  favor  of  our  present  rulers,  he  having  lost  his  left  leg  in 
the  late  war  for  the  Union,  and  also  having  received  the 
office  from  the  hands  of  the  late  President  Lincoln ;  while,  on 
the  other  hand,  Deacon  Snipp  could  assert  his  right  to  the 
office  by  the  most  overwhelming  merits — he  having  raised  a 
Secession  flag  and  illuminated  his  mansion  after  the  battle  of 
Bull  Bun,  and  having  been  deterred  from  a  similar  patriotic 
act  after  the  disasters  at  Fredericks  burg  and  Chancellors  ville, 
only  by  the  fear  that  his  fellow- townsmen  would  increase 
the  illumination  by  taking  his  candles  to  set  his  house  on 
fire. 

But  to  the  point.  Deacon  Snipp  being,  as  he  constantly 
insists,  a  Conservative,  greatly  objects  to  what  he  calls  fast 
things,  and  especially  to  fast  traveling.  He  declares  boldly 
that  the  invention  of  the  steam  engine  was  the  work  of  Satan, 
and  the  rapid  traveling  of  the  present  day  is  at  the  bottom 
of  all  our  woes ;  such  as  Abolitionism,  Hydropathy,  Free 
Love,  and  Gymnastics.  Therefore,  on  accepting  the  Brawn- 
ville  Postoffice,  he  made  proclamation  that  the  mails  be 
tween  this  village  and  our  nearest  railroad  station — a  dis 
tance  of  just  sixteen  and  three-fourths  miles — should  be 
drawn  not  even  by  horses,  but  by  oxen — a  mode  of  locomo 
tion  which  he  believes  to  be  the  true  patriarchal  and  con 
servative  one,  and  to  which  he  hopes,  through  prayer  and 
faith  (he  has  a  personal  objection  to  fasting),  to  induce  the 
world  even  yet  to  return.  This  he  expects  to  bring  about  in 


THE    SCHOOLMASTER'S    POEM.  167 

consequence  of  the  approaching  conservative  reaction.  Now, 
your  letter  being  dated  July  12,  reached  the  railroad  station 
in  the  usual  mailbag  on  the  13th  of  July,  and  on  remaining 
there  three  and  a  half  days  awaiting  the  arrival  of  Deacon 
Snipp's  oxen,  it  was  finally  put  into  the  cart  and  started  on 
its  overland  journey  to  Brawnville.  By  sundown  of  the  first 
day,  it  had  made  such  good  progress  that  it  was  at  least  five 
miles  nearer  to  us  than  at  sunrise ;  but  the  oxen  and  their 
driver  were  obliged  to  tarry  for  that  night  at  an  inn.  About 
noon  of  the  succeeding  day,  having  proceeded  about  three 
and  a  half  miles  further,  the  elder  ox  was  unfortunately 
taken  sick  at  the  bottom  of  a  very  long  hill,  and  in  conse 
quence  the  team  remained  there  for  recuperation  over  night, 
the  mailbag  being  placed  for  security  under  a  haystack  in 
an  adjoining  field.  In  the  morning,  however,  the  good 
driver  (who,  it  need  not  be  said,  was  also  a  Conservative)  was 
able  to  resume  the  journey  hither,  where  he  triumphantly 
arrived  in  perfect  safety  with  both  oxen  near  the  close  of  the 
day.  But,  unhappily,  so  greatly  had  he  been  agitated  by 
the  illness  of  the  ox,  which  he  feared  might  even  die  on  his 
hands,  that  he  had  quite  forgotten  to  carry  away  the  mailbag 
from  beneath  the  haystack.  In  consequence  of  this,  several 
days  were  consumed  in  retracing  his  steps  and  in  endeavor 
ing  to  remember  under  which  particular  haystack  along  the 
road  lie  had  made  the  deposit ;  so  that  it  was  only  the  day 
before  yesterday  that  he  finally  returned  with  the  missing 
bag.  I  must  therefore  entreat  you,  my  dear  sir,  so  long  as 
this  village  continues  under  the  sway  of  our  Conservative 
Postmaster,  that  you  will  grant  me  a  plenary  indulgence  for 


168  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

all  delays  and  intermissions  that  may  occur  in  the  discharge 
of  my  very  agreeable  duties  as  your  occasional  correspon 
dent. 

And  now  I  address  myself  briefly  to  the  main  topic  of 
your  letter.  You  stata  that  in  looking  over  the  manuscript 
volume  which  our  Schoolmaster  placed  in  your  hands,  and 
from  which  you  have  drawn  the  very  amusing  history  of 
our  Athletic  Club,  you  have  alighted  upon  a  poem  entitled 
"Apollo  and  the  Merchant  of  Athens."  You  also  state  that, 
as  it  has  been  transcribed  into  the  book  without  any  expla 
nations,  you  would  be  glad  to  have  me  relate  the  circum 
stances  under  which  it  was  presented  to  the  Club.  You 
likewise  invite  me  to  give  an  opinion  as  to  the  probable 
meaning  of  this  very  unique  production. 

The  circumstances  which  you  ask  about  I  distinctly  re 
member.  Mr.  Henry  had  been  appointed,  much  against  his 
will,  to  speak  in  a  debate,  and  we  had  hoped  by  forcing  him 
thus  to  break  the  ice  of  his  diffidence,  to  make  a  frequent 
speech-maker  of  him.  We  all  knew  that  he  was  a  man  of 
vast  reading,  as  well  as  a  wonderful  wit,  but  so  diffident  that 
he  could  never  even  propose  a  resolution  in  public.  We 
believed,  however,  that  if  he  could  be  induced  to  use  his 
tongue  at  one  of  our  meetings,  it  would  be  a  great  acqui 
sition  to  their  interest.  But  on  the  evening  designated  for 
the  debate,  poor  Mr.  Henry  staid  away,  and  as  a  penalty 
for  his  contumacy,  Judge  Fairplay  humorously  adjudged  that 
"he  le  fined  one  poem"  to  be  presented  to  the  Club  two 
weeks  from  that  night. 

The  fine  was  duly  paid,  as  the  poem  in  your  hands  suffi- 


THE    SCHOOLMASTER'S    POEM.  169 

ciently  proves.  But  sucli  was  Mr.  Henry's  diffidence,  that  at 
his  earnest  supplication  I  did  myself  the  honor  to  pronounce 
it  to  the  Club,  by  whom  it  was  received  with  unparalleled 
favor,  even  by  vehement  cheers,  and  by  what  Homer  would 
call  "inextinguishable  laughter." 

As  to  the  poem  itself,  it  obviously  belongs  to  that  class 
known  as  the  burlesque ;  but  its  total  meaning,  or  what  I 
may  describe  as  its  deep,  cutting,  esoteric  significance,  will 
not  be  fully  appreciated  by  the  reader  till  the  third  or  even 
the  fourth  perusal. 

Under  a  vail  of  reckless  levity,  the  poem  conceals  a 
profound  earnestness,  and  by  drawing  the  intended  vic 
tim  of  its  satire  on  step  by  step  into  an  ambush  of  ludi 
crous  delights,  it  at  last  unsheathes  its  dagger  with  fatal 
effect. 

In  one  word,  the  poem  is  intended  to  ridicule  and  scourge 
those  among  us  (and  Heaven  alone  knows  how  vast  may  be 
their  number)  who  sacrifice  bodily  health,  mental  culture, 
domestic  felicity,  piety,  and  indeed  all  the  good  of  life,  on 
the  altar  of  Money  making.  For,  as  has  been  somewhere 
remarked  by  the  late  Rev.  Theodore  Parker  (who,  most 
strangely,  though  a  divine  of  almost  infinite  learning,  never, 
in  the  course  of  his  distinguished  career,  received  from  any 
of  our  New  England  Colleges  the  title  of  D.  D.,  which  he  so 
richly  deserved),  the  god  of  this  country  is  not  Jehovah,  but 
Plutus. 

In  conclusion,  I  would  merely  add  that  my  excellent 
friend,  Mr.  Henry,  has  taken  considerable  liberty  with  the 
8 


170  TEE    ATHLETIC    CLUE. 

mythology  of  Apollo ;  for  the  pranks  which  he  ascribes  to 
that  god  would  have  been  much  more  appropriately  referred 
to  Hermes  or  Mercury,  that  matchless  wag  among  the  Greek 
gods,  the  divine  patron  of  all  roguery.  But,  on  the  other 
hand,  I  have  it  not  in  my  heart  to  deny  to  my  friend  the  per 
fect  right  to  ascribe  to  Apollo  just  such  deeds  as  he  pleases. 
For,  if  it  be  not  the  prerogative  of  a  free-born  American  citi 
zen  to  make  up  his  own  mythology  to  suit  himself,  wherein  I 
ask  consists  our  boasted  liberty,  and  how  does  a  free  Ameri 
can  citizen  differ  from  any  of  the  down-trodden  victims  of 
European  despotisms  ? 

Yours,  for  all  truth, 

SAMUEL   BLAND, 

Pastor  of  the  Second  Church. 

P.  S. — Lest  any  reader,  on  perusing  the  Schoolmaster's 
poem,  should  still  opine  that,  notwithstanding  the  peculiar 
prerogatives  of  American  citizenship,  the  conduct  attributed 
to  Apollo  is  too  ungentlemanly  to  be  believed,  I  will  quote  a 
remark  made  by  our  American  Chesterfield,  Mr.  George  H. 
Calvert.  "  It  may  sound  Mke  a  profane  libel  on  the  re 
nowned  Olympians,"  says  that  thoughtful  and  graceful  wri 
ter,  "  but  there  was  not  a  gentleman  among  them.  Jupiter, 
their  chief,  beat  his  wife  ;  so  his  claim  is  barred  at  once,  with 
out  looking  further  into  his  way  of  life,  which  will  not  bear 
looking  into.  Apollo,  as  the  God  of  Poetry  and  the  Arts, 
ought  to  have  been  a  gentleman;  but  he  was  so  under 
the  dominion  of  self  and  passion,  that  when  King  Laomeclon 
refused  him  the  promised  reward  for  helping  to  build  the 


THE    SCHOOLMASTER'S    POEM.  171 

walls  of  Troy,  lie  raised  a  pestilence  and  destroyed  the 
King's  subjects.  Moreover,  the  infliction  of  plagues  was  one 
of  his  functions — one  surely  not  compatible  with  the  spirit 
of  a  gentleman."  fS.  B. 


APOLLO   AND   THE   MEKOHANT   OF   ATHENS. 

A    TALE    OF    THE    PERIOD    450    B.    C. 

"Of  hevenly  poems,  0  Clyo  calde  by  name 

In  the  college  of  musis  goddess  hystoriall, 
Adres  the  to  me,  which  am  both  halt  and  lame 
In  elect  uteraunce  to  make  memoryall : 
To  the  for  succour,  to  the  for  helpe  I  call 
Myne  homely  rudnes  and  drighnes  to  expelle 
"With  the  freshe  waters  of  Elyconys  welle." 

— SMton. 

IN  classic  days,  the  laureled  Sons  of  Song 
Spake  of  a  god,  swift,  beautiful,  and  strong — 
Apollo,  of  the  Quiver  and  the  Dart, 
The  long-haired  Patron  of  the  Healing  Art, 
Who  pestilence  and  light  and  lightning  uses, 
And  watches  every  night  while  mankind  snoozes, 
And  is  first  President  of  all  the  pretty  Muses. 

One  day  Apollo,  feeling  rather  blue, 

As  people  will,  with  nothing  much  to  do, 


172  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

And  nobody  but  goddesses  to  hector, 

And  nothing  left  to  drink  but  stupid  nectar, 

Flew  from  Olympus — smitten  with  a  dearth 

Of  fun  and  brandy — and  about  the  earth 

Resolved  to  take  a  turn :   but,  mind  you,  first 

He  would  drop  in  somewhere  and  try  to  quench  his  thirst. 

This,  in  parenthesis,  of  course  was  naughty. 
But  those  old  gods  were  just  as  fast  as  haughty, 
And  in  most  ways  the  worst  examples  set, 
Besides  their  way  to  keep  the  pharynx*  wet. 
Yet,  like  some  preachers  of  the  modern  day, 
They  said  to  folks  composed  of  common  clay, 
Do  not  as  we  do,  but  do  as  we  say  ; 
'T  is  what  our  word,  and  never  what  our  act  is ; 
Our  business  is  to  preach,   and  yours  to  practice ! 

*  It  is  just  possible  that  the  Schoolmaster  may  be  occasionally  a  little 
too  learned  for  his  lay  readers ;  and  that  some  of  the  latter,  having 
incontinently  cut  their  Physiology  while  at  school,  are  now  suffering  a 
just  retribution  for  their  laziness,  by  being  compelled  at  this  point  to 
ask,  "  "What  the  deuce  is  the  pharynx?"  Hoping  that  if  I  gratif}'  this 
natural  curiosity  by  a  definition  of  the  pharynx,  it  will  not  encourage 
any  future  schoolboys  in  habits  of  idleness,  I  will  cheerfully  append  a 
description  of  the  organ  as  given  with  charming  clearness  and  simplicity 
by  Dr.  Dunglison.  The  pharynx,  then,  gentle  reader,  is,  "  An  irreg 
ularly  funnel-shaped  membranous,  symmetrical  canal,  on  the  median 
line,  between  the  base  of  the  cranium  and  the  ossophagus,  which  gives 
passage  to  the  air  during  respiration,  and  to  the  food  at  the  time  of 
deglutition."  Verbwn  sat. — ED. 


THE    SCHOOLMASTER'S    POEM.  173 

While  in  mid  air,  he  spied  a  House  of  Call 
That  stood  in  Athens,  near  the  southern  wall ; 
And  swooping  down,  swift  as  Jove's  eagle  dips, 
He  soon  came  out,  a-wiping  both  his  lips, 

Just  at  that  point,  such  was  Apollo's  fate, 
An  old  acquaintance  entered  by  the  gate ; 
A  Merchant  he,  his  shop  a  great  resort — 
Three  golden  balls  without ;  within — old  clothes,  in  short. 

Apollo  blushed  his  ancient  friend  to  spy, 

Though  'twixt  the  two  there  was  a  tender  tie. 

For  once,  Jove's  son,  if  all  accounts  be  true, 

Quite  out  of  pocket,  out  at  elbow,  too, 

Had  coaxed  good  Damon,  in  a  moment  rash, 

To  lend  him  an  old  coat,  and,  eke,  a  little  cash. 

Between  them,  then,  was  formed  a  friendship  fond, 

A  pledge  of  interest,  in  fact,  a  bond. 

But,  though  Apollo  at  an  early  day 

Was  sworn  to  call  upon  his  friend  and  pay, 

Five  years  had  wheeled  their  weary  circles  round — 

Apollo  was  non  est,  could  not  be  found ; 

While  Damon  dressed  his  grief  with  this  sad  salve, 

And  murmured  day  by  day,  "A  charge  to  keep  I  have!" 

Had  he  but  sooner  seen  whom  he  would  meet, 
One  bound  had  borne  the  god  across  the  street ; 
Or  e'en,  of  his  agility  a  proof, 
He  would  have  given  a  leap  upon  the  roof. 


174  THE    ATHLETIC    CLU£. 

For,  really,  t'  would  be  very  awkward  still 
If  Damon  should  present  that  little  bill ! 
But  now,  too  late,  he  dons  his  blandest  face 
And  runs  to  greet  good  Damon  with  all  grace  : 

"I  say,  old  boy,"  and  slaps  him  on  the  back, 

"  I  'm    charmed  once  more  to  get  upon  your  track ! 

You  're  charmed  to  get  on  mine  ?   that  's  very  kind ! 

'T  is  sweet,  such  welcome  from  a  generous  mind. 

How  have  you  been  these  years  ?     How  goes  the  trade  ? 

Ah,  yes !   let's  see ;   that  little  bill  I  made — 

No,  I  have  not  forgotten — and  I  '11  bet  it, 

That,  as  you  live  I  never  will  forget  it. 

Pay  up  to  day  ?     Ah,  my  dear  sir,  I  should 

Be  only  too  delighted  if  I  could  ! 

The  fact  is,  friend,  my  Gov.,  old  daddy  Jove, 

Moping  with  Juno  round  the  kitchen  stove, 

Doles  out  his  greenbacks  with  a  mean  attention 

To  rules  it  would  disgust  his  son  to  mention. 

Economy  up  there,   just  now,  is  all  the  go ; 

And  Mount  Olympus  has  become  so  slow, 

With  nothing  liquid  left,  save  nectar  slop, 

I  've  had  to  drop  in  here  to  get  a  drop. 

What  will  I  do  ?     When  my  stoneship  comes  in, 

Upon  my  faith,  I  '11  bring  around  the  tin. 

But  now,  I  '11  give — 't  is  all  that  I  can  do — 

A  new  edition  of   my  IOU! 

But  come,  old  boy,  you  need  a  little  cheer ! 

Let 's  step  inside,  and  have  a  pot  of  beer." 


THE    SCHOOLMASTER'S    POEM.  175 

Apollo  lends  his  arm,  and  in  they  walk, 

And  call  for  beer,  and  pipes,  and  sit  down  for  a  talk. 

"I  say,  my  Damon,  if  the  truth  I  tell, 

It  seems  to  me  you  are  not  looking  well. 

You  're  haggard,  pale,  the  crow's-feet  round  your  eyes ; 

I  fear  you  're  candidating  for  the  skies. 

What  's  wrong  with  you  ?     Come,   come  !    how  are  you 

feeling  ? 
You  know  I  patronize  the  Art  of  Healing." 

"  Ah !"    quoth  sly  Damon,  winking  as  he  spoke, 
"I  writhe  beneath  the  tradesman's  paper  yoke. 
The  worm  that  gnaws  my  fast-decaying  health 
Is  that  I  have   so  much — outstanding — wealth. 
Why  am  I  pale  ?     What  makes  me  haggard,  thin  ? 
I  'm  forced  to  dine  on  promises  of   *  tin  !' 
I  need  a  Doctor?    Yes,  the  one  whose  pills 
Would  cure  me — of  so  many  unpaid  bills !" 

Apollo  smiled,   and  gave  a  knowing  shrug, 

And  smiled  again,   and  raised  the  flowing  mug ; 

His  left  eye  winked,   and  glistened  in  its  socket ; 

He  took   the   Merchant's   hint — and  put  it  in  his  pocket! 

"  Ah !    my  dear  sir,  you  wander  from  the  point ; 
Your  speech  is  witty,   but  much  out  of  joint. 
But  now  a  truce  to  all  such  sordid  trash 
As  unpaid  bills,  and  irremittent  cash. 


176  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

Let  's  give  one  hour,   as  thus  we  linger  here, 

To  lofty  contemplation — and  to  beer! 

And,   Damon  mine,  permit  me  to  suggest 

A  thought  well  worthy  of  a  longer  quest; 

Whene'er  you  chat  with  an  Olympian   god 

Select  some  theme  less  savoring  of  the  sod. 

And,  by  the  bye,  as  saith  Dan  Cicero, 

?T  is  godlike  on  mankind  health  to  bestow. 

*T  would  then  be  godlike  •  (if  the  knave  speaks  true) 

For  me  to  give  a  little  health  to  you, 

And,  as  saith  Emerson,   'do   good  by  stealth 

And  blush  to  find  that  the  best  wealth  is  health.' 

[The  god's  quotation  seems  a  little  muddled, 

And  proves  his  godship  just  the  least  bit  fuddled.] 

Therefore,   you  see,   I  'm  going  to  pay  you  twice : 

Some  day,  with   cash  ;    but  now,   with  good  advice. 

Then  tell  me,  Damon,  how  you  spend  each  day ; 

What  time  you.  have  for  work,   for  rest,   for  play ; 

In  short,  your  habits ;   for  in  ^them  there  lies 

The  secret  of  health's  open  mysteries. 

The  Doctors  would  have  no  more  pills  to  give, 

Would  they  but  teach  their  patients  how  to  live !" 

And,  thus  incited,   Damon  'gan  to  tell 

The  tale  of   many  a  merchant's  daily  hell : 

"How  Care,  with  poisoned  tooth;   and  breathless  Hurry; 

And  all  the  lank  and  gnawing  brood  of   Worry; 

And  tyrant  Toil,'  with  ever  lifted  lash ; 

And  Expectation,  false ;   and  Misadventure  rash ; 


THE    SCHOOLMASTER'S    POEM.  177 

Chased  from  his  days  e'en1  Nature's  cheap  delights, 
And  e'en  the  peasant's  slumber  from  his  nights. 

f 
"Work!  work!  work!     No  pause'  in  its  fierce  reign. 

No  bower,   no  couch,   in  all  its  hot  domain. 

The  crystal  chalice  of  Life's  ardent  prime 

He  tasted  not — he  never  had  the  time  ! 

And  mid-life's  beaker  bubbling  o'er  the  brim 

Might  cheer  the  drone — there  was  no  time  for  him ! 

No  time  to  rest,   save  in  a  business  way ; 

No  time  to  talk,   unless  't  was  sure  to  pay ; 

No  time  to  visit,   save  the  Merchants'   Court ; 

No  time  to  study,   save-  the  stock  report ; 

No  time  to  walk,   except  a  dun  to  follow ; 

No  time  to  eat,   and  scarcely  time  to  swallow ; 

No  time  to  love,  to  pray,   to  laugh,  to  give ; 

No  time — year  out,  year  in — no  time  to  live ! 

And,   though  his  days  should  be  five  times  as  many, 

No  time  for  any  thing,  except  to  turn  a  penny. 

"A  home  he  had — large,  opulent,   and  fair; 
He  would  enjoy  it,  had  he  time  to  spare. 
A  wife  he  had — devoted,  lovely,  true  ; 
But  when  he   saw  her  last,   he   scarcely  knew. 
And  some  half  dozen  children  called  him  sire ; 
He   saw  them  last,   last  winter,   round   the  fire. 
He  feared,  by  Jove,   should  he  the  whole  lot  meet, 
He  would  not  know  them  now  upon  the  street. 
8* 


178  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

Meanwhile,   to  Commerce  lie  his  moment's  gave, 
And  was  to  be  her  Martyr,   as  he  was  her  Slave." 

Apollo  heard  the  Merchant's  doleful  tale, 
Pondered  it  long,   and  oft  pulled  at  his  ale ; 
At  last,   with  earnest  voice  and  piercing  eyo, 
The  god  to  Damon  gave  this  sole  reply : 

"Excuse  me,  sir;    but,  waiving  common  rule, 
I  would  just  state  that  you  are  one  fool !" 

Apollo  used  a  word  I  must  not  "write, 

A  word  far  more  emphatic  than  polite; 

A  word,  however,  which,  though  void  of   grace, 

Was  just  the  word  to  fit  that  special  case. 

But  Damon  rose,  and  gave  a  furious  shout, 
And  spoke  of    "  calling  "  his  insulter  "  out ;" 
Yet  took  his  seat  at  once,  quite  pacified, 
As  bland  Apollo  soothingly  replied: 

"  Oh !    surely,  sir,  you  should  n't  take  offense, 
I  merely  spoke  in  a  Pickwickian  sense. 

"But,  come,  old  boy,  let's  take  a  little  walk; 
I  '11  wait  outside ;    you  go  rub  out  the  chalk  1" 

And  thus,  while  Damon  goes  to  pay  the  score, 
The  god  meanders  toward  the  open  door; 


THE    SCHOOLMASTER  S    POEM.  179 

Like  many  a  modern  blade  of   noble  mettle, 

He   asks    his    friend   to   drink,    and    leaves    his    friend    to 

settle ! 

But  trustful  Damon,  coming  forth  anon, 

Looked  for  the  god — but,  faith !    the  god  was  gone ! 


XI. 
DEACON    SNIPP'S    LAST    KICK. 

BRAWN VILLE,   September  4,  1867. 
ITIHIS  night  has  brought  with  it  a  vast  surprise. 

Ever  since  our  great  meeting  early  in  the  summer 
for  the  inauguration  of  the  Club  House,  we  had  heard  noth 
ing  from  the  redoubtable  Deacon  Snipp.  On  that  occasion 
he  stood  forth  valiantly,  and  fought  a  heroic  fight  against  the 
world,  the  flesh,  the  Devil,  and  the  gymnasium ;  but  borne 
down  by  the  torrent  of  superior  numbers,  he  turned  up  his 
eyes,  turned  down  the  corners  of  his  mouth,  and  beat  an 
orderly  retreat.  Week  after  week,  since  then,  had  passed 
peacefully  over  our  heads,  and  never  one  movement,  one 
word,  one  groan,  even,  from  this  eminent  sentinel  in  Zion. 
We  began  to  suppose  that  the  good  Deacon  had  come  to  the 
stern  resolution  of  making  no  further  resistance  to  the  inrush- 
ing  of  the  dark  flood  against  which  opposition  seemed  so 
unavailing.  Ah !  we  did  pleasure  to  ourselves,  but  injustice 
to  Deacon  Snipp.  Little  did  we  know  of  the  bottomless  re 
source  and  the  pertinacity  of  that  excellent  person.  We  con 
sidered  our  own  convenience ;  we  considered  good  sense,  and 
liberal  feeling,  and  courtesy ;  alas !  we  considered  not  the 
(180) 


DEACON    SNIPP'S    L~AST    KICK.  181 

nature  of  Deacons.  Grievously  had  we  ignored  the  truthful 
aphorism  of  Mr.  Spurgeon:  "Kesist  the  Devil  and  he  will 
flee  from  you ;  resist  the  Deacon  and  he  will  fleo  at  you." 
During  this  interval  of  silence  our  inexhaustible  antagonist 
had  nursed,  not  buried,  his  wrath.  The  truce  had  been  most 
faithfully  kept  in  fabricating  a  weapon  with  which  to  renew 
the  war.  His  next  beginning  was  to  be  our  ending.  The 
long  silence,  had  we  but  properly  understood  it,  was  only  the 
hush  of  Titantic  forces,  in  their  awful  recoil,  before  breaking 
forth  anew  in  final  and  comprehensive  havoc. 

Silence ! 

'T  is  but  the  note  of  wrath  the  while  a-nursing, 
The  still  precursor  of  a  furious  cursing. 

With  a  tremulous  hand,  just  after  the  awful  shock,  have  I 
taken  up  my  pen  in  the  hope  of  giving  some  faint  narrative 
of  this  supreme  and  most  terrific  explosion  of  our  village 
volcano. 

It  was  something  thus : 

We  were  pleasantly  seated  this  evening  around  the  long 
table  in  the  Library  of  the  Club  House,  and  were  discussing, 
with  as  much  tranquillity  as  such  a  theme  would  permit,  the 
subject  of  "  Gymnastics  for  Women."  In  the  midst  of  this 
serene  state  of  things,  suddenly  we  heard  a  heavy  step  on 
the  stairs,  immediately  followed  by  the  abrupt  and  noisy 
opening  of  the  Library  door.  Every  one  turned  to  behold 
the  author  of  this  rude  intrusion,  and  every  one,  with  a 
mixture  of  amazement  and  amusement,  beheld  the  august 
form  of  Deacon  Snipp,  as  he  paused  in  the  doorway  in  a 


182  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

kind  of  spasm  of  excitement — indignation  already  flaming  in 
his  eye,  and  the  hue  of  New  England  rum  blazing  upon  the 
end  of  his  nose.  The  good  man  had  evidently  prepared  him 
self  for  this  crushing  interview  by  an  unusual  amount  of 
attention  to  his  toilet.  He  had  on  a  ruffled  shirt,  and  an  old- 
fashioned  dress  coat,  with  slender  tails  descending  to  his  very 
heels.  I  do  not  mean  to  insinuate  that  these  articles  were 
all  that  this  excellent  person  had  on ;  for,  I  may  add,  that 
beside  carrying  under  his  arm  a  green  cotton  umbrella,  he 
carried  upon  his  legs  a  pair  of  venerable  trousers,  which  had 
withered  and  shrunk  with  increasing  age,  and  now 
descended  upon  his  nether  limbs  no  further  than  to  the  top 
of  his  ankles.  Moreover,  his  manly  bosom — a  term  which, 
when  applied  to  Deacon  Snipp,  must  always  be  understood 
to  include  his  stomach — was  covered  by  a  voluminous  though 
rather  bilious  buff  vest.  No  one  could  fail  to  perceive  that 
the  Deacon  was  a  very  consistent  man,  and  carried  his  gen 
eral  principles  even  into  the  matter  of  his  wardrobe.  Obvi 
ously,  he  was  as  decidedly  opposed  to  novelties  in  wearing 
apparel  as  he  was  to  novelties  in  theology,  politics,  or  social 
science.  Standing  thus  before  us,  arrayed  in  all  the  splendor 
of  his  great-grandfather's  old  clothes,  he  seemed,  indeed,  a 
sort  of  monumental  effigy  of  Conservatism — his  ideas  and 
his  breeches  being  alike  contracted  and  worn  out. 

For  at  least  two  minutes  we  sat  gazing  at  Deacon  Snipp  in 
the  doorway ;  and  for  at  least  two  minutes  Deacon  Snipp 
in  the  doorway  stood  gazing  at  us. 

"  Will  you  walk  in  ?"   at  last  spoke  Judge  Fairplay. 

"  I  WILL  !"  screamed  the  Deacon,  in  such  high  scolding  ac- 


DEACON    SNIPP'S    LAST    KICK.  183 

cents  as  denoted  that  lie  was  resolved  to  walk  in  any  way, 
whether  invited  or  not.  And  upon  this,  advancing  up  the 
room  with  a  defiant  air,  and  drawing  a  letter  from  his  breast 
pocket,  he  added  in  the  same  yelling  tones :  "  And  I'  ve 
brought  a  doc-u-ment,  the  production  of  my  daughter  Jeru- 
shy,  which  I  demand  to  have  read  here,  and  which  ought  to 
convince  you,  if  any  thing  can,  of  the  scandalous  and  un- 
scriptural  nature  of  your  proceedings  in  this  institution." 
By  the  time  he  had  gasped  his  way  to  the  last  words  of  this 
speech,  he  had  also  arrived  at  the  end  of  the  table  where 
sat  the  Judge ;  and  hurling  the  letter  upon  the  table,  he 
suddenly  wheeled  round  and  strode  down  the  room,  and  out 
of  it,  with  such  speed  as  considerably  elevated  his  coat  tails 
in  his  rear,  and  caused  them  to  nutter  and  flap  in  the  air  like 
a  pair  of  sable  streamers.  "  He  hangs  out  the  black  flag," 
whispered  the  Parson,  as  the  last  flap  of  the  Deacon's  coat- 
tails  faded  from  view ;  "  he  evidently  means  to  take  no 
prisoners." 

The  whole  affair  had  occurred  so  suddenly  that  we  did 
not  at  once  comprehend  its  import ;  but  when  the  appa 
rition  had  departed,  the  ludicrous  aspects  of  the  scene 
broke  simultaneously  upon  us  all,  and  the  whole  com 
pany  exploded  into  one  long,  loud  roar  of  laughter — a 
laughter  dropped,  and  taken  up  again,  and  again,  for  several 
minutes. 

All  this  time,  while  we  were  giving  ourselves  up  to  the 
transports  of  mirth  excited  by  the  preposterous  event  which 
had  just  happened,  the  terrible  "doc-u-ment"  from  "my 
daughter  Jerushy"  lay  unopened  upon  the  table,  on  the 


184  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

very  spot  to  which  it  had  been  hurled  by  the  indignant 
Deacon ;  the  Judge  gazing  upon  it  with  an  admirably 
feigned  alarm,  as  upon  a  bombshell  which  might  at  any  mo 
ment  explode. 

And  here  let  me  pause  to  record  one  word  of  description 
concerning  that  utterly  indescribable  personage — "  my  daugh 
ter  Jerushy."  Be  it  known,  then,  that  "my  daughter  Jeru- 
shy"  is  a  worthy  maiden  of  whom  it  becomes  me  to  speak 
with  all  the  respect  due,  not  only  to  the  gentle  sex,  but  to 
antiquity.  She  is  the  only  heir  to  her  father's  name — an 
honor  so  great  as  to  explain  the  fact  of  her  never  having 
been  induced  to  exchange  that  euphonious  name  for  any  ap 
pellation  less  worthy.  Her  many  graces  of  soul  appear  to 
have  had  an  uncommonly  fine  effect  upon  the  growth  of  her 
body ;  for  she  is,  indeed,  enormously  tall.  To  say  that  she 
is  also  lank,  angular,  and  sour-visaged,  might  be  accurate, 
but  it  would  not  be  polite ;  while  it  would  be  equally  a  con 
formity  to  truth,  and  a  deviation  from  propriety,  to  apply  to 
her  the  last  line  of  Chaucer's  couplet  descriptive  of  the  Car 
penter's  Wife : 

"  Wincing  she  was  as  is  a  jolly  colt ; 
Long  as  a  mast,  and  upright  as  a  bolt." 

It  is  possible  that  Miss  Jerushy  was  once  young,  but  if  so, 
it  was  at  a  period  anterior  to  any  embraced  in  the  memory 
of  our  oldest  inhabitant.  And,  although  to  the  eye  of  the 
moderns  she  has  always  presented  the  same  appearance  of 
egregious  maturity,  and  of  stern  dislike  to  the  follies  of  her 
sex,  there  are  some  dim  traditions  afloat  that  she  once  had  a 


DEACON    SNIPP'S    LAST    KICK.  185 

sort  of  love  affair  herself — a  love  affair  which  one  fine  day 
burst  into  a  thousand  pieces,  and   left  her  the  tart,  sancti 
fied,  withered,  and  uncompromising  spinster  who  is  known 
to  us  as  "my  daughter  Jerushy." 
Her  letter  ran  as  follows : 

"  TUESDAY  AFTERNOON. 
"  To  the  Members  of  the  Athletic  Clul : 

"  MISGUIDED  MORTALS — Dwelling  as  I  do  in  the  atmosphere 
of  piety  with  which  my  father's  home  is  always  pervaded,  and 
separated  as  I  am  from  the  vanities  of  this  wicked  world,  it 
is  not  often  that  I  receive  explicit  tidings  from  the  valley  of 
woiidliness  which  stretches  out  far  below  me. 

"But  I  have  been  made  acquainted  with  that  zeal  for  a 
fleshly  gospel,  and  for  a  merely  muscular  and  carnal  grace, 
which  has  unhappily  broken  out  in  our  once  religious 
village. 

"It  was  a  sufficiently  mournful  token  of  the  decay  of  Zion 
that  so  many  professors  fell  from  their  allegiance  and  built 
that  temple  to  Baal,  which,  I  think,  you  call  a  Club  House — 
an  edifice  erected  to  frivolity,  and  unconsecrated  by  one 
prayer  or  psalm. 

"  But  my  cup  of  spiritual  grief  was  filled,  when  I  learned 
that  even  the  handmaidens  of  our  village  are  also  bowing 
clown  to  this  Pagan  fashion,  and  are  learning  the  unscriptural 
practice  of  gymnastics ;  and  having  heard  that  you  are  this 
night  to  discuss  formally  the  subject  of  woman's  part  in  your 
gymnasium,  I  write  unto  you  this  letter  of  counsel,  warning, 
and  reproof. 


186  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

"Where  in  the  Bible  can  you  find  the  least  authority 
for  gymnastics  ? 

"  Echo  answers,  Where ! 

"  That  Pagan  name  does  not  occur  any  where  in  the  sacred 
volume,  from  Genesis  to  Revelation. 

"  But  while  gymnastics  are  not  mentioned  by  name,  they 
are  referred  to,  and  that  with  the  severest  censure.  The 
Apostle  Paul  (I  Tim.  iv.  7,  8,)  says  to  Timothy :  *  Exercise 
thyself  rather  unto  godliness.  For  bodily  exercise  profit- 
eth  little ;  but  godliness  is  profitable  unto  all  things.' 

"  Also,  is  it  not  a  great  shame  and  a  scandal,  that  young 
ladies  should  be  so  negligent  of  propriety  as  to  take  part  in 
diversions  which  must  cause  an  unseemly  exposure  of  their 
feet,  and  even  of  their  ankles  ? 

"  The  Apostle  Paul  would  not  allow  women  to  appear  in 
public  assemblies  with  the  head  uncovered.  What  would  he 
have  said  to  you  who  are  willing  to  show  not  only  your 

heads,  but  your .  I  am  too  much  shocked  to  finish  the 

sentence ! 

"The  Scripture  also  teaches  that  woman  was  intended 
to  be  weak. 

u  But  your  gymnastics  oppose  the  will  of  Providence,  and 
the  words  of  Scripture,  by  making  woman  strong. 

"  It  is  the  duty  of  woman  to  stay  at  home  and  comfort  her 
husband  [here  there  were  smiles  and  profuse  whispering 
among  the  ladies]  and  take  care  of  his  house.  But  how 
can  she  .properly  discharge  this  duty,  if  she  goes  to  the 
gymnasium  ? 

"  We  are  also  told  in  Scripture  that  it  is  the  will  of  God 


DEACON    SNIPP'S    LAST    KICK.  187 

if 

that  ttie  great  duty  of  woman  should  be  attended  with 
suffering :  '  In  sorrow  thou  shalt  bring  forth  children.'  But 
so  profane  has  the  world  grown,  that  you  gymnastic  people 
openly  boast  that  woman  can  be  so  strengthened  as  to  bear 
children  without  great  pain,  and  thus  thwart  the  righteous 
will  of  Heaven. 

"  Need  I  say  more  to  prove  to  you  the  wickedness  of  your 
present  course  ? 

"  I  pray  that  you  may  soon  see  the  error  of  your  way,  and 
turn  your  unscriptural  Club  House  into  a  temple  of  the  liv 
ing  God. 

"Yours,  sorrowfully, 

"JEKUSHA   SNIPP." 

As  the  Judge  finished  reading  this  overwhelming  "  doc-u- 
ment,"  and  laid  it  upon  the  table  before  him,  he  said  :  "Well, 
I  have  only  one  remark  to  make.  As  Mr.  Squeers  exclaimed, 
when  contemplating  the  nice  mixture  of  milk  and  water  with 
which  he  fed  the  boys  at  his  school,  'Here 's  richness !'  "  The 
Judge  then  added,  in  a  low  tone,  to  those  of  us  who  sat  near 
est :  "  When  young  William  Pitt  made  his  first  speech  in  the 
House  of  Commons,  Edmund  Burke,  in  great  delight,  de 
clared,  '  He  is  not  only  a  chip  of  the  old  block,  but  the  old 
block  itself.' " 

At  this  point,  Mr.  Leonidas  Climax  rose.  It  was  his  first 
appearance  at  the  Club  since  the  accident  at  the  parallel  bar, 
and  his  rising  to  speak  was  greeted  with  general  ap 
plause,  in  which  the  ironical  element  was  much  less  obvious 
than  usual.  His  broken  arm  was  still  supported  in  a  sling ; 


188  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

but  with  the  other  arm  he  reached  across  the  table,  and, 
drawing  the  water  pitcher  to  him,  he  proceeded  to  take  a 
long  draught.  After  this  preparation  he  made  a  speech, 
which,  for  a  wonder  and  for  once,  was  both  sensible  and 
brief. 

"  ME.  CHAIRMAN — I  confess  I  am  a  little  disturbed  by  one 
quotation  from  Scripture  given  by  Miss  Snipp.  I  do  not 
see  how  we  can  regard  that  verse  of  St.  Paul's — '  bodily  ex 
ercise  profiteth  little' — in  any  other  light  than  as  a  cen 
sure  upon  gymnastics.  I  had  never  before  thought  of  tho 
verse  in  this  connection.  Will  you  favor  us  with  an  expla 
nation  ?" 

"  I  will  refer  your  question,"  replied  the  Judge,  "  to  our 
reverend  friend,  Mr.  Bland.  His  answer  will  be  worth 
more  than  mine ;  for,  as  he  is  what  Leigh  Hunt  calls 
'an  official  heaven  expounder,'  you  perceive  that  what 
he  says  upon  the  subject  will  have  a  sort  of  official  au 
thority." 

"  Well,"  said  the  Parson,  smiling,  "  while  I  disclaim  the 
rather  dubious  compliment  implied  in  the  expression  of 
Leigh  Hunt,  and  while  I  desire  for  my  words  no  other 
authority  than  the  authority  of  sound  learning  and  common 
sense,  I  will  tell  you  all  I  know  about  the  verse — be  that  of 
much  worth  or  of  none. 

"  Every  thing  turns  upon  the  meaning  of  the  original 
phrase,  which  our  translators  have  rendered  'bodily  exercise. 
Does  that  mean  gymnastic  bodily  exercise  ?  Not  necessarily 
If  you  will  refer  to  Dr.  Robinson's  Lexicon  of  the  New  Tes- 


DEACON    SMPP'S    LAST    KICK.  189 

tament,  you  will  find  that  he  translates  the  phrase  '  ascetic 
training.'  That  is  undoubtedly  what  the  Apostle  meant — 
that  ascetic  bodily  discipline  was  not  good  for  much.  Turn 
to  our  honest,  sensible  American  commentator,  Albert 
Barnes,  and  see  what  he  says.  In  his  note  on  this  passage 
he  uses  these  words :  *  Bodily  exercise  here  refers,  doubt 
less,  to  the  mortification  of  the  body  by  abstinence  and  pen 
ance  which  the  ancient  devotees,  and  particularly  the  Esse- 
nes,  made  so  important,  as  a  part  of  their  religion.'  You 
see,  therefore,  that  the  verse  has  nothing  more  to  do  with 
gymnastics  than  it  has  with  sawing  wood,  hoeing  corn,  or 
splitting  rails." 

"  Let  us  go  on  with  the  discussion  of  the  question  before 
us :  'Is  it  desirable  that  women  should  practice  gym 
nastics?" 

This  was  the  voice  of  our  Chairman ;  and  so  the  discussion 
went  on  for  an  hour  or  two,  almost  every  man  and  woman  in 
the  room,  taking  some  part  in  it. 

At  last  the  Judge  closed  the  evening's  debate  w'th  the 
following  judicial  charge  to  the  jury — a  jury  not  limited 
to  one  sex,  or  to  any  particular  number  of  persons.  He 
said: 

"A  vast  amount  of  the  present  talk  of  the  world  is  about 
woman.  In  fact,  woman  always  has  been  the  subject  of  plen 
tiful  talk;  but  it  has  been  talk  in  the  form  of  flattery,  or 
talk  in  the  form  of  ridicule.  A  new  department  has  been 
added  to  the  world's  talk  about  woman — talk  in  the  form  of 
argument 


190  TEE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

"  This  is  a  hopeful  sign. 

When  any  subject  reaches  the  argumentative  stage,  de 
pend  upon  it,  that  subject  is  approaching  its  solution. 
Schoolboys  sometimes  give  up  a  problem — the  world  never 
does.  It  clings  to  its  problem  and  works  at  it  until  it  works 
daylight  into  it,  and  out  of  it,  too.  Furthermore,  every  ques 
tion  has  its  pivot.  The  pivot  on  which  the  woman  question 
turns  is :  What  do  you  consider  woman  to  be  ?  Is  she  a 
human  being,  or  is  she  only  a  goose  ? 

"You  must  determine  this  question  before  you  can  de 
termine  those  other  and  minor  questions  which  are  covered 
by  it ;  such  as,  '  Should  woman  vote  ?  Should  woman  have 
a  university  education?  Should  woman  enter  the  learned 
professions  ?  Should  woman  practice  in  the  gymnasium  ?' 

"  Do  n't  you  see  that  if  woman  be  considered  a  complete 
human  being,  it  can  not  be  said  that  she  '  goes  out  of  her 
sphere,'  as  the  idiotic  phrase  is,  when  she  merely  goes  into 
those  affairs  which  belong  to  human  beings  ? 

"But,  of  course,  if  woman  be  only  a  goose — a  very  pretty 
one,  perhaps,  very  fascinating,  and  all  that,  but  still  only  a 
goose — a  brainless,  silly,  cackling  goose,  why,  the  case  is 
wholly  altered,  and  she  is  certainly  '  going  out  of  her  sphere' 
when  she  presumes  to  engage  in  activities  which  are  the 
exclusive  possession  of  human  beings. 

"I  can  not  deny  that  up  to  latest  dates,  the  goose  theory 
of  woman  is  by  far  the  most  pop  alar  one.  Most  men  think 
all  women  geese.  Of  course,  they  are  not  all  blunt  enough 
to  use  that  term ;  but  they  have  a  multitude  of  equivalents 
for  it.  Thus,  when  a  man  calls  a  woman  an  angel,  he  really 


DEACON    SNIPP'S    LAST    KICK.  191 

means  a  goose ;  and  so  on  through  the  whole  list  of  sugared 
evasions  of  the  real  word.  Dryden  illustrates  the  whole 
thing  in  four  lines  : 

"'For  true  it  is  as  in  principio, 
Mulier  est  hominis  confusio. 
Madam,  the  meaning  of  this  Latin  is, 
That  woman  is  to  man  his  sovereign  bliss/ 

"It  is  sorrowful  to  add — for  it  almost  proves  the  goose 
theory — that  nearly  all  women  likewise  hold  that  theory 
about  their  sex.  Whenever  a  fine  lady  begins  to  cant  to  you 
about  women  '  going  out  of  their  sphere,'  set  her  down  at 
once  as  an  advocate  of  the  goose  theory ;  and,  in  fact,  so  far 
as  the  lady  is  herself  concerned,  you  will  be  quite  safe  in 
accepting  that  theory  as  the  true  one. 

"A  great  deal  of  the  shilly-shally,  pretty,  Frenchy  gal 
lantry  of  society  is  the  utterance  of  the  goose  theory;  it 
means  :  '  Oh,  adorable  damsel,  your  worshiper  believes 
that  all  you  are  good  for  is,  just  as  the  lady-adoring 
Parisians  so  sweetly  express  it,  halille,  laMle,  dishiibillef 

11  Let  us  come,  now,  to  the  precise  question  before  us  to 
night  :  '  Is  it  desirable  that  women  should  practice  gymnas 
tics  ?' 

"  But,  in  the  jargon  of  Congress,  '  I  move  the  previous 
question  1' 

"  Do  you  hold  the  goose  theory  of  woman  ?  Yes  ?  Tlien 
pass  on  !  I  've  nothing  to  say  to  you.  We  differ  on 
fundamentals,  and  all  argument  between  us  is  waste  ol 
temper. 


192  TEE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

11  Or  do  you  hold  the  human  being  theory  of  woman  ? 
Very  well.  Then  we  have  some  common  ground  to  stand 
upon,  and  we  can  talk  with  a  prospect  of  benefit. 

"Why  should  woman  not  practice  gymnastics? 

"  Do  you  say  that  she  is  of  the  weaker  sex  ?  All  the  more 
need  of  becoming  strong ! 

"Do  you  say  that  she  is  delicate?  That  is  a  sufficient 
argument  for  trying  to  become  robust. 

"At  exactly  this  point  we  are  confronted  by  a  very  preva 
lent,  and  a  very  silly  sentiment — hatched  from  an  egg  of  the 
goose  theory.  It  is  a  sentiment  so  pernicious  that  we 
ought  to  knock  it  on  the  head  at  sight.  On  this  occasion  we 
will  use  a  club  furnished  us  by  Herbert  Spenser.  In  one 
of  his  masterful  tracts  on  Education,  he  has  said  something 
which  I  must  read  to  you.  I'  ve  brought  the  book  with 
me  for  the  purpose.  Here  it  is : 

"'  Perhaps,  however,  we  mistake  the  aim  of  those  who 
train  the  gentler  sex.  We  have  a  vague  suspicion  that  to 
produce  a  robust  physique  is  thought  undesirable ;  that 
rude  health  and  abundant  vigor  are  considered  somewhat 
plebeian ;  that  a  certain  delicacy,  a  strength  not  competent  to 
more  than  a  mile  or  two's  walk,  an  appetite  fastidious  and 
easily  satisfied,  joined  with  that  timidity  which  commonly 
accompanies  feebleness,  are  held  more  lady-like.  We  do  not 
expect  that  any  one  would  distinctly  avow  this ;  but  we 
fancy  that  the  governess  mind  is  haunted  by  an  iJeal  young 
lady  bearing  not  a  little  resemblance  to  this  type.  If  so,  it 
must  be  admitted  that  the  established  system  is  admirably 
calculated  to  realize  this  ideal.' 


DEACON    SNIFF'S    LAST    KICK.  193 

gi 

"And  if  this  portrait  of  the  ' ideal  young  lady,'  with 
which  'the  governess  mind'  is  haunted,  be  not  sufficiently 
clear,  you  have  but  to  turn  to  the  witty  Wendell  Holmes, 
and  you  will  find  in  his  delineation  of  '  My  Aunt '  some  of 
the  lines  drawn  more  sharply : 

"  '  He  sent  her  to  a  stylish  school — 
'T  was  in  her  thirteenth  June ; 
And  with  her,  as  the  rules  required, 
Two  towels  and  a  spoon. 

" '  They  braced  my  Aunt  against  a  board, 

To  make  her  straight  and  tall ; 
They  laced  her  up,  they  starved  her  down, 

To  make  her  light  and  small ; 
They  pinched  her  feet,  they  singed  her  hair, 

They  screwed  it  up  with  pins ; 
Oh!    never  mortal  suffered  more 

In  penance  for  her  sins!' 

"Why  should  not  women  practice  gymnastics?  Will  it 
be  said  that  American  women  already  get  exercise  enough  ? 
Then  next  to  none  is  enough !  No,  no,  no !  Catharine 
Beecher  says  that  in  all  her  acquaintance  (and  you  know  the 
Beechers  are  acquainted  with  every  body)  there  are  not 
a  dozen  healthy  women. 

"  Let  us  not  flatter  ourselves  that  this  is  a  Yankee  notion — 
this  idea  of  having  the  ladies  practice  gymnastics.  Three 
thousand  years  ago,  Grecian  women  danced  and  ran  races, 
and,  in  later  times,  took  part  in  the  public  games  with  men. 


194  THS    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

Some  of  you  have  read  the  great  work  of  Mr.  Grote,  the 
'  History  of  Greece.'  Perhaps  you  will  remember  a  passage 
in  his  second  volume,  where  he  says ;  '  The  Spartan  damsels 
underwent  a  bodily  training,  analagous  to  that  of  the  Spartan 
youth — being  formally  exercised,  and  contending  with  each 
other  in  running,  wrestling,  and  boxing,  agreeably  to  the 
forms  of  the  Grecian  agones.  They  seem  to  have  worn  a 
light  tunic,  cut  open  at  the  skirts,  so  as  to  leave  the  limbs 
both  free  and  exposed  to  view.  Now,  ladies,  do  you  want 
to  know  what  was  one  charming  result  of  all  this  gym 
nastic  exercise?  The  answer  is  furnished  by  Mr.  Grote, 
a  page  or  two  further  on  :  *  The  beauty  of  the  Lacedemanian 
women  was  notorious  throughout  Greece.'  There,  ladies! 
the  finest  cosmetics  are  those  with  which  Nature  beautifies 
her  faithful  followers.  There  is  nothing  like  a  gymnasium 
to  give  us  a  race  of  pretty  girls  ! 

"But,  in  justice  to  my  fair  countrywomen,  I  must  declare, 
that  if  they  were  ,as  strong  as  they  are  beautiful,  if  they 
were  as  vigorous  as  they  are  lovely,  why — I  do  n't  know 
what  would  happen !  They  would  have  things  all  their  own 
way,  for  they  would  be  omnipotent.  Alas,  there  is  no  lack 
of  beauty  among  us,  and  a  plentiful  lack  of  strength !  Did 
you  ever  hear  the  story  of  the  Castle  of  Weinsberg  ?  I  'm 
sure  you  never  did,  so  I  '11  tell  it.  It  was  in  the  terrible  old 
wars  between  the  Guelphs  and  the  Ghibellines  that  Conrad 
III  besieged  the  Castle  of  Weinsberg.  But  Conrad  could 
not  carry  it  as  easily  as  he  had  expected.  So  he  swore,  in 
his  wrath,  that  when  he  should  take  the  castle  he  would  put 
every  man  to  the  sword ;  but,  being  a  very  polite  ruffian,  he 


DEACQS    SXIPP'S    -LAST    KICK.  195 

promised  that  the  women  of  the  garrison  should  be  allowed 
to  depart  in  peace,  with  whatever  they  chose  to  carry  on  their 
backs.  So,  when  the  castle  surrendered  and  the  gates  were 
opened,  every  woman  sallied  forth  with  a  man  on  her  back ; 
and  luckily  there  were  enough  women  to  carry  off  the  whole 
garrison.  Now,  ladies  and  gentlemen,  the  point  in  this 
story  which  excites  my  concern  is  this  :  Suppose  those  women 
had  been  our  dainty,  lovely,  delicate,  feeble  American  women, 
how  many  of  that  garrison  would  have  escaped  their  bloody 
doom  ?  Perhaps  one ;  but  I  doubt  it !" 


XII. 

LETTEE    FEOM    TOM    DICK    AND    HAEEY. 

March,  1868. 

rPHE  Editor  of  these  Memorials  of  the  Brawnville  Ath- 
J^  letic  Club  has  now  fulfilled  his  promise  of  laying  before 
the  readers  of  THE  HEEALD  OF  HEALTH  such  portions  of 
the  private  memoranda  of  the  Village  Schoolmaster,  Mr. 
Thomas  Ei  chard  Henry,  as  seemed  most  suitable  for  pub 
lication. 

The  memoranda,'  however,  cover  merely  the  first  year  of 
the  existence  of  the  Club,  from  the  autumn  of  1865  to  the 
autumn  of  1866.  But  how  has  the  Club  fared  during  all  the 
time  which  has  elapsed  since  the  last  date  of  the  Schoolmas 
ter's  graphic  papers  ?  The  extraordinary  success  of  the  Club 
during  the  first  year,  might  be  attributed  by  the  skeptical 
to  the  well-known  charm  of  novelty.  How  has  the  Club 
endured  the  inevitable  subsidence  of  that  novelty?  How 
has  it  borne  the  chances  and  perturbations  of  nearly  a  year 
and  a  half — the  cooling  of  old  friendship,  the  warming  of 
new  enmity,  and  the  steady  immitigable  fire  directed  upon  it 
from  the  artillery  of  its  arch-foe,  Deacon,  Snipp  ?  And  how 
(196) 


LETTER    FROM    TOM    DICK   AND    HARRY.    197 

has  Judge  Fairplay  been  getting  on  all  this  time?  And 
did  Parson  Eland's  people  send  him  to  the  Paris  Exposi 
tion  last  summer  ?  And  our  endeared  enemy,  the  cauctic 
Dr.  Drugger,  is  he  still  in  the  flesh  ?  and  is  he  as  devoted 
as  ever  to  the  distribution  of  calomel  and  sarcasm?  And 
how  is  that  affluent  orator,  Mr.  Leonidas  Climax,  with 
his  broken  arm  and  his  unbroken  resolution  to  be  elo 
quent  ? 

All  these  and  similar  questions,  the  Editor  believes,  have 
risen  over  and  over  again  in  the  minds  of  the  innumerable 
readers  of  the  Brawnville  Papers ;  for  he  has  received  letters 
of  anxious  inquiry  upon  these  points  from  all  parts  of  the 
known  world — from  Europe,  Asia,  Africa,  Oceanica,  and 
New  Jersey!  By  the  letters  thus  received,  the  Editor  is 
assured  that  every  one  of  his  readers  now  feels  as  well  ac 
quainted  with  Judge  Eairplay  as  he  does  with  his  own 
grandfather,  and  cherishes  as  personal  a  friendship  for  the 
Village  Schoolmaster  as  he  does  for  the  identical  pedagogue 
by  whom  he  was  flogged  in  his  boyhood. 

Thinking,  therefore,  that  it  would  be  -unkind  to  close  this 
series  of  papers  without  giving  some  satisfaction  to  the 
natural  curiosity  of  so  large  and  respectable  a  portion  of 
the  human  family,  the  Editor  wrote  to  his  excellent  friend, 
Mr.  Thomas  Richard  Henry,  and  begged  him  to  send  on 
a  letter  which  should  cover  the  various  topics  above  re 
ferred  to. 

With  a  punctuality  characteristic  of  that  admirable  func 
tionary  of  learning  in  the  rural  districts,  the  following  letter 
was  forwarded.  It  is  herewith  submitted  to  our  readers  as  a 


198  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 


fitting  conclusion  to  this  copious,  grave,  and  truthful  History 
of  the  Brawnville  Athletic  Club. 

BRAWNVILLE,  Mass.,  February  5,  1868. 

MY  DEAR  SIR — It  is  just  thirteen  months  and  one  day 
since  I  had  the  satisfaction  of  meeting  you  at  the —  rail 
way  station,  and  of  conveying  you  in  Judge  Fairplay's  cutter 
across  country  to  Brawnville,  a  journey  which  you  have  now 
made  so  famous  through  THE  HERALD  OF  HEALTH.  Little 
did  I  suppose,  on  that  bleak  January  day,  that  I  was  myself 
on  the  brink  of  such  stupendous  experiences.  Shrinking  as 
I  have  always  done  from  the  public  eye,  it  was  never  in  my 
most  aspiring  thoughts  that  the  terrible  Trumpet  of  Notori 
ety  was  about  to  blow  my  humble  and  cacophanous  name 
through  the  rondure  of  its  brazen  lips. 

But  why  am  I  surprised  ?  Am  I  not  a  daily  and  nightly 
student  of  history  ?  And  out  of  the  chaotic  and  Babylonian 
clamors  of  that  strange  science,  can  any  utterance  be  so 
clearly  discerned  as  this?  Evermore,  evermore  do  great 
events  spring  from  small  causes.  The  Napoleonic  dynasty 
would  never  have  been  re-established  in  France,  the  Cri 
mean  and  Italian  wars  would  have  remained  unfought,  and 
the  whole  current  of  history  would  have  been  turned  into  a 
different  channel,  had  it  not  been  for  a  span  of  horses  in  the 
streets  of  Paris,  some  twenty-five  years  ago,  getting  fright 
ened  and  running  away  and  breaking  the  neck  of  a  certain 
fine  young  gentleman  who  had  been  driving  them.  Did  you 
ever  hear  what  gave  us  the  Mexican  War,  and  thence  that 
nourishment  to  the  ambition  of  the  slave  power  which 


LETTER    FROM   TOM    DICK   AND    HARRY.    199 

tempted  it  on  to  the  Great  Eebellion  ?  It  was  the  neglect,  on 
the  part  of  a  single  voter  in  a  little  country  town  in  Massa 
chusetts,  to  go  to  the  polls  on  an  election  day.  And,  in  like 
manner,  had  it  not  been  for  Judge  Fairplay's  man,  Isaac, 
stubbing  his  toe  against  a  chopping  log,  one  dark  night,  I 
should  not  have  gone  to  meet  you ;  I  should  not  have  had 
that  long,  confidential  talk  with  you ;  I  should  not  have  com 
mitted  to  you  the  sacred  secret  of  my  memorandum  book ; 
the  Minutes  of  the  Brawnville  Athletic  Club  would  not  have 
been  published  ;  and  my  poor  name  would  never  have  been 
caught  up  on  a  whirlwind  of  renown,  and  tossed  about  before 
the  eyes  of  admiring  millions. 

Can  I  say  that,  with  all  the  extreme  diffidence  which  you 
have  attributed  to  me,  I  am  displeased  at  this  unprophecied 
celebrity  which  has  befallen  me  ?  Ah,  how  little  do  we  know 
ourselves !  It  is  related  by  Sir  Walter  Scott  that  a  certain 
Bishop  of  Durham  died  of  chagrin  because  somebody  peeped 
into  his  diary.  I  do  believe  that,  until  I  gave  it  into 
your  hands,  I  should  have  imitated  the  Bishop  of  Durham 
had  any  body  peeped  into  mine.  Yet  here  am  I,  positively 
exulting  in  the  fact  that  the  whole  world  has  been  doing 
openly  what  it  would  have  killed  me  to  have  had  a  single 
individual  do  by  stealth. 

But  I  must  not  longer  pursue  this  vein  of  self-reference. 
You  will  think  that  I  am  putting  on  too  soon  the  port  and 
privilege  of  celebrated  men  by  becoming  autobiographical. 
I  must  not  forget  the  admirable  remark  uttered  by  Horace 
Greeley  in  Paris,  some  years  ago,  that  he  would  as  soon 
think  of  running  down  the  Champs  Elys6es  in  his  drawers, 


200  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

as  to  write  his  own  life.  Admirable  remark,  indeed — now,  to 
the  delight  of  Mr.  Bonner,  and  of  all  his  subscribers,  most 
admirably  illustrated ! 

But  perhaps  you  will  allow  me,  in  transition  to  other  top 
ics,  to  mention  that  Fame  hath  her  humors  and  inconven 
iences,  no  less  than  Obscurity. 

I  suppose  that  I  myself  have  already  received  from  vari 
ous  parts  of  the  country,  several  dozen  letters  bearing  all 
sorts  of  facetious  superscriptions,  thus :  "To  Tom  Dick  and 
Harry,  Esq. ;"  "  To  the  Limping  Pedagogue  of  Brawnville," 
and  so  forth.  But — shall  I  confess  it? — the  most  of  my 
letters  have  been  from  young  ladies,  or,  at  least,  from  ladies 
who  did  not  omit  to  mention  that  they  were  young.  Ah, 
sir,  that  was  a  fatal  secret  which  you  let  out  in  your  intro 
ductory  paper —  to  wit :  that  I  am  a  poor,  solitary  bachelor ! 
How  many  sympathetic  damsels  have  sent  to  me  letters  of 
consolation  (photographs  inclosed),  deploring  my  unblest 
condition  of  loneliness,  and  generously  proffering  their 
hearts,  hands,  and  purses  to  deliver  me  from  it.  Who, 
now,  can  say  that  Pity  hath  fled  from  this  round,  whirling 
earth? 

But  I  am  not  the  only  one  among  us  upon  whom  letters 
from  many  places  near  and  remote  have  been  showered. 
Judge  Fairplay  has  been  overwhelmed  with  this  new-born 
correspondence,  and  has  been  obliged  to  set  up  that  expen 
sive  luxury,  a  shorthand  reporter.  Parson  Bland,  too,  has 
had  more  letters  than  he  could  answer,  and  on  several  occa 
sions  has  had  to  send  over  and  borrow  Judge  Fairplay's  pho- 
nographer.  Besides  letters  of  a  merely  inquisitive  character, 


L&TTER    FROM    TOM    DICK   AND    HARRY.    201 

the  Parson  has  had  any  number  of  invitations  to  new  pasto 
rates  from  churches  in  town  and  country,  who  write  to  him 
that  they  have  tried  bilious  Christianity  long  enough,  and 
dyspeptic  Christianity,  and  bronchial  Christianity,  and  that 
now,  for  a  change,  they  would  like  to  try  a  little  muscular 
Christianity.  Indeed,  the  business  of  our  Postoffice  has 
so  much  increased,  owing  to  the  fame  thus  given  to  Brawii- 
ville,  that  Deacon  Snipp,  our  Postmaster,  is  more  than  half 
inclined  to  join  in  the  general  rejoicing  over  the  success  of 
our  Athletic  Club. 

I  must  not  forget  to  tell  you  that  during  the  past  summer 
we  have  had  multitudes  of  visitors  coming  to  Brawnville,  for 
no  other  purpose  than  to  inspect  our  Club  House,  and  to  talk 
with  Judge  .Fairplay,  Parson  Bland,  and  the  rest  of  us, 
about  establishing  club  houses  of  the  same  sort  elsewhere. 
In  fact,  so  great  has  been  the  rush  of  people  to  our  lately 
obscure  village,  that  the  keeper  of  the  Brawnville  Hotel  has 
not  only  done  an  extraordinary  business  as  a  landlord,  but 

has  found  it  very  profitable  to  put  on  a  coach  between 

Station  and  the  village.  In  one  word,  my  dear  sir,  Brawn 
ville  is  looking  up !  Lionizing  agrees  with  it !  The  print 
ing  of  my  poor  manuscripts  has  lifted  it  out  of  its  fame- 
lessness  and  solitude,  and  has  made  it  a  town  of  such  im 
portance  that  I  confidently  expect  to  see  its  position  noted 
in  Mr.  Johnson's  next  edition  of  his  map  of  Massachusetts. 
And  now,  at  last,  some  of  our  solid  citizens,  elated  by  dreams 
of  a  magnificent  metropolis  upon  this  site,  have  resolved 
to  build  a  railroad  from  our  village  to  some  other  place — 
it  does  not  seem  to*  matter  what — and  to  send  a  petition  to 
9* 


202  TILE    ATHLETIC    CLUZ.  * 

the  next  Legislature  praying  that  the  Hub  of  the  Universe 
should  be  taken  up  and  removed  from  Boston  to  Brawn- 
ville. 

I  am  sure  that  you  will  experience  a  benevolent  pleasure 
in  learning  that  the  people  of  Brawnville  have  desired  to 
testify  to  me,  in  some  way,  their  gratitude  for  what  they  are 
pleased  to  term  my  "unexampled  services  in  contributing  to 
the  prosperity  of  this  village ;"  and  that,  with  a  munifi 
cence  characteristic  of  Selectmen  and  other  exalted  officials  in 
New  England,  they  have  actually  added  to  my  annual  sal 
ary  the  sum  of  $25.  Hitherto,  for  eight  and  one-half  years, 
I  have  taught  the  juvenile  idea  how  to  practice  archery, 
and  have  received  for  the  same  the  liberal  sum  of  $450 
per  annum;  so  that,  as  you  will  readily  perceive,  if  you 
are  a  good  arithmetician,  I  have  now  the  princely  allowance 
of  $475 !  Judge  Fairplay,  indeed,  and  Parson  Bland,  and 
some  others  of  our  Club,  declared  that  such  an  increase  of 
salary  was  an  insult,  rather  than  a  compliment;  but  I  do 
not  look  upon  the  matter  in  that  light.  As  Deacon  Snipp 
is  one  of  the  chief  men  in  the  Board,  I  think  it  astounding 
that,  instead  of  increasing,  they  have  not  taken  it  away 
altogether. 

You  ask  me  to  give  you  tidings  of  the  principal  person 
ages  with  whom  your  readers  have  now  become  so  well 
acquainted. 

I  do  not  know  that  I  have  any  thing  of  importance  to  tell 
you  concerning  them.  The  truth  is  that  we  pursue  a  very 
even  course  here  in  Brawnville,  and  that  changes  among  us 
occur  very  seldom  and  work  very  slo  \vly: 


LETTER    IEOM   TOM  DICK  AND    HAEET.    203 

•* 

As  to  Judge  Fairplay,  our  village  monarch,  by  divine  right 
of  so  many  regal  qualities,  he  continues  to  prove,  in  his  own 
life,  how  sanitary  a  thing  true  goodness  is  !  The  twin  gifts — 
Sweetness,  Light — whose  praises  are  so  rapturously  chanted 
by  Matthew  Arnold,  find  their  fitting  residence  in  him.  And 
it  can  not  be  that  the  gods  would  deny  perpetual  youth  and 
beauty  to  him  whose  soul  is  so  bright,  and  whose  existence 
is  so  benignly  ordered.  The  years  pass  over  Judge  Fairplay 
to  load  him,  not  with  their  blows  of  hostility,  but  with  their 
peace  offerings.  As  I  see  him  walking  among  us.  year  by 
year,  the  counselor  and  friend  of  all,  so  strong,  wise,  tender, 
and  sincere,  I  am  convinced  that  he  must  be,  indeed,  one  of 
those  radiant  lonians  spoken  of  in  the  Homeric  Hymn,  who7 
at  their  festivals  at  Delos,  "  looked  as  if  they  were  beyond 
the  reach  of  Old  Age  or  Death." 

Concerning  Parson  Bland,  I  have  already  mentioned  what 
ever  seems  most  necessary.  Although  his  fame  has  gone 
abroad  over  the  land  as  a  vapor,  and  has  returned  to  him  as 
a  rain-storm  of  invitations  to  more  lucrative  and  conspicuous 
places,  he  tells  us  all,  by  way  of  balm  to  our  anxieties,  that 
"  he  does  not  think  it  the  chief  end  of  a  minister  of  the  Gos 
pel  to  get  into  lucrative  and  conspicuous  pla,ces ;  that  he  has 
not  any  personal  wants  which  Brawnville  fails  to  supply,  and 
that  if  he  had,  he  should  still  stay  in  Brawnville,  so  long  as 
he  had  any  unfinished  jobs  of  one  sort  or  another  remaining 
to  him  there."  One  evening,  not  long  since,  speaking  to  a 
few  of  us  at  the  Club  about  certain  recent  rumors  of  his  in 
tention  to  accept  a  call  to  Brooklyn,  he  said :  "It  seems  to 
me,  that  taking  any  more  preachers  to  Brooklyn  is  carrying 


204  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

coals  to  Newcastle.  But  why  should  a  minister,  once  happily 
settled  as  I  am,  desire  to  change  his  residence  ?  Why 
should  he  consent  to  throw  away  all  the  immense  reinforce 
ment  of  his  individual  power  which  comes  from  the  mere 
fact  of  sticking  ?  Ah,  time  enriches  a  pastorate,  just  as  it 
does  wine.  Every  year  that  passes  over  a  happy  ministry 
among  one  people,  only  multiplies  that  host  of  invisible  char 
iots,  and  horsemen,  and  spearsmeii  who  fight  for  a  good  man 
and  fight  with  him.  The  identical  words  spoken  by  me  in 
the  first  year  of  my  service  here  would  have  a  thousand 
times  the  weight  they  then  had,  should  they  be  again 
spoken  in  the  twentieth  year,  or  the  fiftieth.  What  a 
grand  thing  it  is  to  preach,  not  merely  with  one's  own  nat 
ural  breath  and-  brain  power,  but  with  the  tongue  of  a  life 
time  of  faithful  living." 

At  the  conclusion  of  this  little  speech,  the  Parson  sprang 
from  his  chair  and  seized  a  huge  covered  basket,  which  he 
had  brought  in  with  him,  exclaiming : 

"But  I  must  be  off.  I  Ve  a  little  gospel  to  preach  this 
evening." 

"What!  do  you  carry  the  gospel  around  with  you  by 
the  basketful?" 

"  Yes,  indeed !  Many  a  time  the  most  effectual  gospel  is 
that  which  comes  out  of  the  basket,  rather  than  out  of  the 
mouth.  And  I  know  some  poor  families  down  below  the 
mill-dam  who  would  welcome  a  little  basket-gospel  this  cold 
night.  You  know  what  the  hungry  farm  laborer  in  Alton 
Locke  said :  '  Oh,  religion  is  all  very  well  for  them  as  has 
time  for  it ;  but  I  do  n'  t  see  how  a  man  can  hear  ser 
mons  with  an  empty  belly !' " 


LETTER   FROM   TOM  DICK  AND   HARRY.    205 

•* 

And  so  "Sunshine"  left  us,  and  hastened  away  to  the 
poor  cottagers  below  the  mill-dam,  to  whom  his  coming 
•was,  no  doubt,  a  new  revelation  of  warmth,  light,  and  joy. 

You  ask  about  Dr.  Drugger.  He  preserves  the  same  atti 
tude  of  genial  enmity  to  us  with  which  he  began.  I  think  we 
all  love  and  honor  him  even  more  than  ever.  He  is  a  most 
useful  enemy.  He  plays  the  precious  part  of  "  Her  Majes 
ty's  Opposition"  in  the  English  parliamentary  system.  He 
detests  humbug,  and  all  approximations  to  humbug.  He  has 
a  genius  for  criticism.  The  scalpel  of  his  sarcasm  slits  the 
gas-bags  of  our  gymnastic  fanaticism  just  so  often  as  we 
try  to  inflate  them.  Dr.  Drugger  is  indeed  the  choicest 
of  those  whom  Sir  Philip  Sidney  terms  "Gralen's  adoptive 
sons."  We  love  him,  because  he  tries  to  hide  his  life  in 
an  ambush  of  stealthy  charity.  You  know  Jean  Paul  has 
said,  with  some  indignation :  "  It  is  a  sin  that  only  at  tor 
ture  do  surgeons  and  physi<aians  assist,  not  at  joy!"  The 
anathema  does  not  reach  to  our  Brawnville  surgeon  and 
physician — he  assists  at  joy,  even  more  than  at  torture. 
For  my  part,  I  never  met  him  without  being  reminded 
of  old  Dr.  Johnson's  tribute  to  physicians,  which,  you 
remember  he  has  left  to  us  in  his  life  of  the  poet-phy 
sician,  Dr.  Garth:  " Whether  wnat  Temple  says  be  true, 
that  physicians  have  more  learning  than  the  other  faculties, 
I  will  not  stay  to  inquire;  but  I  believe  every  man  has 
found  in  physicians  great  liberality  and  dignity  of  sen 
timent,  very  prompt  effusion  of  beneficence,  and  willing 
ness  to  exert  a  lucrative  art  when  there  is  no  hope  of 
lucre." 


206  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 

But  I  must  hasten  to  the  close  of  this  letter.  The  school- 
bell  is  my  master,  and  his  voice  will  soon  be  commanding 
me  hence  to  those  noble  toils  to  which  my  life  is  consecrated. 

Let  me  sum  up  a  few  of  the  results  of  our  experience 
in  the  Brawnville  Athletic  Club  as  to  the  rightful  claims 
of  gymnastics ; 

1.  Gymnastics  do  not  claim  to  be  some  mystical  panacea, 
some    great    mechanical    patent    medicine,    that    has    only 
to  be  disseminated  in  order  to  bring  about  a  sanitary  mil- 
lenium. 

2.  Gymnastics  do  not  claim  that  they  can  enable  every 
man  who  devotes  himself  to  them  to  live  for  ever,  or  even  to 
live  to  be  as  old  as.Methusaleh  or  the  Wandering  Jew.     Oc 
casionally,  even  a  gymnast  may  be  expected  to  die. 

3.  Gymnastics  do  not  claim  to  be  absolutely  needful  to 
men  of  all  occupations ;    for   example :    to   blacksmiths,   to 
plowmen,  and  to  professional  woodsawyers. 

4.  Gymnastics  do  not  claim  to  be  able  to  cure  all  diseases 
whatsoever. 

5.  Gymnastics  do  not  claim  to  be  even  beneficial  to  all  men. 

6.  Gymnastics  do  not  claim  to  be  sufficient  for  health,  un 
less  a  man  likewise  obeys  the  other  great  primal  laws  of 
health,  which  ordain  bathing,  diet,  pure  air,  sunlight,  cheer 
fulness,  and  a  clear  conscience.     They  alone  will  not  atone 
for  drunkenness,  and  gluttony,  and  American  pie-crust,  and 
poisoned  air,  and  a  discontented  spirit. 

I  remain,  my  dear  sir, 

Yours,  for  the  True,  the  Beautiful,  and  the  Good, 
THOMAS    EICHAED    HENEY,  Schoolmaster. 


LETTER    FROM   TOM   DICK  AND    HARRY.    207 

P.  S.  EVENOTG. — Thus  abruptly  did  I  close  my  letter  this 
morning,  for  I  heard  the  relentless  summons  of  my  swinging 
brass  despot  in  the  cupola  of  the  schoolhouse.  But  I  can  not 
now  end  my  communications  with  you  and  the  great  family 
of  THE  HEEALD  OF  HEALTH  without  a  fervent  "God  bless 
you  all!"  and  without  quoting  to  you  two  stanzas  from  a 
ballad  I  remember  reading  in  the  Minstrelsy  of  the  Scottish 
Border : 

"This  night  is  my  departing  night, 

For  here  nae  longer  must  I  stay; 
There  's  neither  friend  nor  foe  o'  mine 
**       But  wishes  me  away. 

"What  I  have  done  through  lack  of  wit, 

I  never,  never  can  recall ; 
I  hope  ye  're  a'  my  friends  as  yet ; 
Good  night,  and  joy  be  with  you  all." 

P.  P.  S. — "  Crito,  we  owe  a  cock  to  JEsculapius ;  pay  it, 
therefore,  and  do  not  neglect  it." 


THE    END. 


INDEX 


A. 

Almost  a  Scholar,  96. 

American  Citizens — their  Prerogatives  in  the  making  of  Mythology, 

170. 

American  Congress — a  hint  to,  134. 
American  People — their  physiological  perils.  19;  do  not  appreciate  the 

sanitary  value  of  Exercise,  74 ;  their  passion  for  Novelties,  80. 
Apollo  and  the  Merchant  of  Athens — how  the  Poem  came  to  he  written, 

168. 

Arnold,  Dr.— disliked  Martyrs  to  Science,  160. 
Athlete  and  Scholar — parahle  of,  120. 

B. 

Biography — should  deal  with  life  before  birth,  86. 

Bland,  Rev.  Samuel — his  character,  27 ;  loved  by  children,  28  ;  hated 
by  the  Pharisees,  28;  gets  into  a  dog  fight,  31;  an  execrable  pun 
ster,  38,  41 ;  states  the  objections  to  a  Gymnasium  in  Brawnville, 
50;  contrast  between  him  and  Deacon  Snipp,  76  ;  his  speech  to  the 
villagers,  77;  his  remarks  at  the  House-warming,  109;  on  danger 

(209) 


210  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 


in  gymnastics,  146 ;  his  letter  concerning  the  Schoolmaster's  Poem, 
165 ;  explains  a  text  from  St.  Paul,  188 ;  his  idea  of  getting  "  calls," 
203 ;  his  basket  gospel,  204. 

Bra wnville— where  situated,  9 ;  its  need  of  dn  Athletic  Club,  50 ;  its 
quietness  disturbed  by  the  project  of  a  Gymnasium,  65 ;  its  Post 
master,  165  ;  its  prosperity  and  fame  created  by  the  publication  of 
these  Papers,  203. 

Bra  wnville  Brass  Band — its  merits,  105 ;  its  services  at  the  House-warm 
ing,  110. 


0. 

Cash,  as  a  logical  power,  89. 

Carlyle,  Thomas— the  Church  he  attends,  52 ;  his  remark  about  Schiller, 
56 ;  list  of  things  denounced  by  him,  59. 

Calvert,  George  H. — denies  that  the  old  gods  were  gentlemen,  170. 

Christianity,  Muscular— definition  of,  162 ;  creed  of,  164. 

Climax,  Mr.  Leonidas — as  an  orator,  125;  accident  to,  139;  his  reap 
pearance,  187. 

Club,  The  Athletic — how  it  first  got  talked  about,  25  ;  the  plan  further 
developed,  56 ;  objected  to  by  Dr.  Drugger,  57 ;  plan  proposed  to 
the  villagers,  65 ;  its  birth,  85 ;  its  house  described,  91,  94 ;  house 
mistaken  for  a  Mormon  Temple,  92  ;  house  opened,  104 ;  secret  of 
success  of,  121 ;  library  meetings  of,  122. 

Conservative  mode  of  locomotion,  166. 


D. 


Drugger,  Dr. — his  character,  27 ;  objects  to  gymnastics,  34 ;  denounces 
Dio  Lewis  as  a  quack,  41 ;  objects  to  the  Club,  67 ;  speaks  against 
gymnastics  at  villagers'  meeting,  78 ;  opinion  of  Dio  Lewis's  Gym- 


INDEX.  211 


nasties,  112;  expects  great  increase  of  surgical  business  from  the 
gymnasium,  113;  in  one  of  his  gynmophobic  moods,  135;  last  ac 
count  of,  205. 

Dryden — passage  from,  73. 

Dunglison,  Dr. — his  definition  of  the  pharynx,  172 

Dyspeptic's  Lament,  96. 


F. 


Fairplay,  Judge— his  character  and  position  at  Brawnville,  26 ;  discusses 
gymnastics  with  Dr.  Drugger,  35 ;  suggests  the  need  of  an  Athletic 
Club,  42  ;  his  tea  party,  44;  his  eulogy  of  Horace  Mann,  45 ;  reads 
from  Mann's  address  on  Gymnastics,  48  ;  replies  to  the  objections 
stated  by  Parson  Bland,  51 ;  explains  plan  of  an  Athletic  Club,  56 ; 
replies  to  Dr.  Drugger's  objection,  60 ;  his  speech  to  the  villagers, 
69;  his  remarks  at  the  House-warming,  108 ;  his  account  of  bigots, 
111 ;  his  skill  as  a  presiding  officer,  123 ;  extinguishes  the  metaphy 
sicians,  124;  his  abhorrence  of  bombastic  oratory,  125;  some  of  his 
sayings,  129 ;  reports  the  preamble  and  resolutions  of  Bedlam,  136 ; 
concerning  danger  in  gymnastics,  142  ;  reads  a  description  of  Per 
sian  gymnastics,  148  ;  last  description  of,  203. 

Fearful,  Eev.  Job,  66. 

Fishing  for  Men— best  mode  of,  154. 


Galen — his  censure  upon  gymnastics,  78. 

Great  facts— their  value,  89. 

Grote — his  account  of  gymnastics  among  Spartan  women,  194. 

Gurowski.  Count— on  the  Presidency,  47. 


212  THE    ATHLETIC    CLUB. 


Gymnastics— relation  to  music  in  education,  25,  34  ;  need  of,  superseded 
"by  attention  to  the  mind,  35 ;  utility  of  described  by  Horace  Mann, 
48 ;  practice  of  undignified,  60 ;  this  objection  considered,  60 ;  con 
demned  by  Galen,  78 ;  denounced  by  Dr.  Drugger  as  unnecessary, 
unphysiological,  and  injurious,  78  ;  denounced  by  Deacon  Snipp  aa 
impious,  81 ;  reasons  assigned  for  medical  and  other  objections  to, 
82;  our  brick  preacher  of,  91;  antiquity  of,  133;  why  so  eagerly 
practiced  by  the  Spartan  ladies,  133;  danger  in,  142;  how  prac 
ticed  by  the  Persians,  149 ;  claims  of,  stated  negatively,  206. 

Gymnasts— song  of,  97. 


Henry,  Mr.  Thomas  Richard — his  first  appearance  and  conversation,  10 ; 
peculiarity  in  his  name,  13 ;  his  history  of  the  Club,  23 ;  his  poem, 
165;  letter  from,  198. 

Higginson,  Thomas  "Wentworth — invited  to  be  present  at  the  opening  of 
the  Club  House,  101 ;  called  an  infidel,  101 ;  on  danger  in  gymnas 
tics,  144 ;  on  physical  courage,  146. 

Holmes,  Dr. — his  poem  on  "  My  Aunt." 

Hood,  Tom— quoted  by  Abdiel  Standish,  81. 


I. 

Infidel — its  significance  as  an  epithet,  102. 

K 

Kings— divine  right  of,  27. 


INDEX.  213 


L. 

Lecturing — its  opportunities  for  studying  human  nature,  11. 

Lewis,  Dio — his  system  of  gymnastics  conceived  in  the  spirit  of  Plato, 
41 ;  denounced  as  a  humhug  and  quack  by  Dr.  Drugger,  41 ;  de 
fended  by  the  Schoolmaster,  42  ;  Gymnastic  Song  dedicated  to,  97; 
again  denounced  by  Dr.  Drugger,  112. 


M. 

Mann,  Horace— characterized  by  Judge  Fairplay,  45 ;  extract  from  his 

speech  on  gymnastics,  48. 
Martyrs  to  Science,  158. 
Modern  contempt  for  the  body,  152. 
Monks— their  contempt  for  the  body,  161. 
Muscular  Christianity— definition  of,  162 ;  creed  of,  164. 

IT. 

New  Englanders— their  cold  manners,  12 ;  their  need  of  gymnastic  re 
generation,  20 
Nicknames— significance  of,  15. 

P. 

Persian  Gymnastics,  149. 
Persian  verses,  157. 

Physical  Culture — fundamental  truths  of,  132.    . 
Physical  relief  preparatory  to  spiritual,  154. 

Plato — his  Eepublic  read  by  several  friends,  25 ;  his  discussion  of  gym 
nastics,  34. 
Popularity — secret  of,  122. 


214  THE    ATMLET1C    CLVB. 

E. 

Rousseau — remark  of,  157. 

s. 

Sanitary  Keform,  154. 

SScott,  Sir  Walter — his  friend's  contempt  for  exercise,  79 ;  his  account  of 
the  fish-women,  86  :  bis  motto  in  the  Monastery,  160. 

Sickness— is  it  sent  "by  God  ?  82. 

Skelton— quotation  from,  171. 

Snipp,  Deacon — his  censures  upon  Parson  Bland,  29  ;  objects  to  the  use 
of  the  church  for  a  public  meeting,  66 ;  encounters  Abdiel  Stand- 
ish,  67 ;  his  speech  against  gymnastics,  74 ;  his  second  speech,  80 ; 
what  kind  of  a  bore  he  is,  114;  his  happy  position  and  speech  at 
the  House-warming,  115  ;  resolves  to  stand  in  the  gap  against  radi 
calism,  116;  appointed  P.  M.  of  Brawnville,  165;  his  ideas  of  the 
conservative  mode  of  locomotion,  166  ;  his  last  kick,  180  ;  his 
daughter  Jerushy,  184. 

Snipp,  Miss — letter  from,  185. 

Spartan  Ladies — reason  for  their  devotion  to  gymnastics,  133 ;  their 
beauty,  194. 

Spiritual  darkness,  99. 

Spurgeon— his  opinion  of  committees,  87 ;  of  deaoons,  181. 

Standish,  Abdiel,  22 ;  on  Vallandigham,  33 ;  encounters  Snipp,  67 :  re 
plies  to  Snipp  and  Drugger,  81 ;  describes  Deacon  Snipp's  lamenta 
tion,  117;  on  the  two  kinds  of  conservatism,  118;  on  danger  in 
gymnastics,  145. 

T. 

Thomson,  James— quotation  from,  132. 
Tom  Dick  and  Harry— letter  from,  196. 


INDEX.  215 


w. 

"Watson,  Deacon — his  reply  to  Deacon  Snipp,  66,  77. 
Weinsberg,  Castle  of — its  capture,  194. 
Wh'te,  Henry  Kirke — as  a  martyr  to  Science,  158. 
Wilfred,  Archbishop  of  York— how  he  fished  for  men,  155. 
"Women — their  participation  in  gymnastics  deprecated  by  Miss  Snipp, 
185 ;  their  case  stated  by  Judge  Fairplay,  189. 


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